YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So I have anxiety about a lot of things...social interaction, my job, life etc. But my number one fear is being alone, and never having an intimate long-lasting relationship. I've been single for 7 years now. SEVEN. Don't get me wrong, I have had a million (almost literally) flings. I am an attractive, fun, and intelligent girl. Everyone tells me I am a great catch. But I tend to have really short lived flings with abusive "bad boys" OR I am just not attracted to any other decent guys. And the decent guys I AM attracted to, aren't attracted to aren't attracted to me. It's such a fuckin catch 22.

Now, I know all about this "love yourself" bullshit. I completely agree, don't get me wrong. But how the fuck am I supposed to love myself if people are constantly reflecting back to me that they don't love me! I am getting negatively validated. Plus, we are not isolated in this world alone. Loving yourself is great. But we are surround my billions of other people. It would be nice if we could love ourselves AND give and receive love from other people.

Then I start thinking about superficial things like "Oh God I'm 28, EVERYONE I know is in a relationship or married with kids. What if I die alone as a cat lady? I only have a few more years left to find someone, pretty soon I'm going to be ugly and really unlovable! I have to fix this!"

It causes me extreme anxiety. I have tried therapy. I have tried a million things. I just can't seem to heal the core shame and worthlessness. It just keeps feeding into itself...it's such a viscous cycle.

Hi Bri9227,
Just wanted to say that I can relate whole-heartedly with your post about being afraid to be alone forever. I am 35 years old and just out of a 7 month relationship that I thought was going to be "the one"! It ended with him moving to another state while I was away for a 3 day road trip. I read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" on that trip and felt such a sense of sadness but familiarity with the women's stories. I realized that I keep choosing these guys who are emotionally unavailable almost in an unconscious way because I am afraid of being alone, so therefore, they leave. As much as I think these men have potential and will change for me, I have been mistaken time after time after time.

At this point I am taking time to really listen to my intuition and it is telling me that it's time to stop trying to control my relationships and stop focusing on others around me and stop comparing myself to my peers. I have gone to 2 Al-Anon meetings this week and I will keep going to more.

It's a good place for support and for providing tools to work on myself. I think my fear of being alone comes from insecurity within me. Friends told me a couple years ago after a particularly hard breakup that ended when he moved to the opposite coast of the country for a job and then dumped me that I "needed to work on myself". I thought it was bullshit, too. I am loveable! I am wonderful! I am a catch, I thought. Well, I am a catch, but it's something I truly need to believe for myself and I need to bring a full person to my relationships.

I realize I cannot look outside of myself for something to make me happy or make me a full person. It's a process. The best thing to do is reach out. Form some relationships with other women. The men will always be there. And as much as you probably don't want to hear it, you are still young! Self-discovery is the key. Surrender to the idea of being alone for awhile and get out of the way. Really sit and get in touch with what will make you happy.

Best to you, dear! If you need someone to reach out to, please don't be afraid to do so. I can always use an ear as well.

Cheers!

Amanda May, are you the one who had the awefullsome moment about the dead horse on Paul's show?!? LOL

Yes, ma'am, that was me! I actually just read your reply and I realized I never finished the Mick Betancourt episode. I just listened to the last 25 minutes! It is kinda funny to hear Paul read it aloud. I am still pushing on. One day at a time. I'm into the whole "working on myself" groove right now. Things are good but I do get blue. It helps to reach out at times like that.

Best!

Full disclosure: I am a straight man, and the following thoughts are offered kindly. I do not seek to hurt you, but keep in mind that many reasonable people revile everything I am about to say. As a Kinsey zero, I have never dated a man, but I do understand, deeply so, the male mind regarding the marriage market. My friends and I are rakes. Also, stereotypical of a man, I offer ways to fix your problem, rather than commiserate. If you want to commiserate, there is always SATC.

Though you don't say it explicitly, may I assume you are seeking dating to lead to marriage (someday)? If so, I have a perspective from the other side of the table at the first date at the coffee shop.

Basically, as I see it, it boils down to fate vs. free will and blue pill vs. red pill.

* Fate/Blue Pill: There is a destined soul mate for everyone. Time, space, politics, race, economics, chaos: none of these can stop true love. One must meet their soul mate. In the meantime: eat/love/pray, SATC, Hagen Daas, Cosmo, makeovers, RHONJ.

* Free will/ Red Pill: In the final analysis dating and the marriage market are a ruthless numbers game. Arbitrary and subjective criteria (example: not dating men under 5-10) screen out otherwise excellent men who are quickly and happily married by other women. Meanwhile, since fewer male babies are born, and men die earlier at all ages, there is a shrinking total population of men in general, to say nothing of men who are never interested in heterosexual dating/marriage to women in the first place. Meanwhile there is a bumper crop of 18 year old women created every year, flooding the marriage market.

I don't think that the blue pill is wrong, never happens, or is bad. I think it is very good.

But if I were to wake up a single 28 year old women tomorrow, there are specific things I would do immediately. Those things are detailed in a troika of three highly, deeply reviled dating books written by women for women. pm me if you want me to list them; I won't buzz market them here. But rest assured that these books are greatly reviled.

But I used the wisdom in each of them when I wanted to date more women.

As far as your age, 28 is considered very young by many men. The rule of thumb is a man should marry a woman half his age, plus 7 years. So men around age 42 for you, says the rule of thumb. Of course for accomplished rakes age is just a number.

I hope you find what you are looking for.