anyone else here a chronic/lifetime ED sufferer?

[WiltedRose]

Hi. I just wondered if anyone else on this forum is similar to myself, having suffered from an eating disorder... forever. Well, almost forever. I was first hospitalized for anorexia as a teen in 1987. And then in and out of various hospitals (ed units), long term residential tx centers, etc. ever since. I am now 42. Though I can function in life - I maintain my job, my house, my animals.... still struggle with the whole stupid eating disorder (and accompanying ANXIETY/DEPRESSION). I've never NOT been in outpatient therapy of some sort The ED today is different than it was when I was in my teens, twenties, even early thirties. Now I am a little Less self destructive with the behaviors. I WANT to be healthy and stay out of hospitals because I really cannot "afford the luxury" of another lengthy hospitalization. If I do get that bad again, then I risk losing my job, which could mean losing my house - and my animals (all that is important to me and I 've worked so hard to accomplish over the last ten years or so).
Anyway - struggling. Treading water here. It's so exhausting and never goes away. If I get my eating behaviors a little better, then the ANxiety and depression escalate enormously/unbearably. I think I use the food (be it restricting, binge/purging, excessive exercise) to regulate those other uncomfortable emotions. I have a great treatment team currently and am very grateful for that. They are helping me, but I am kind of resigned to the fact that I will never be normal, or without the DSM diagnosis.
Although people see me as outgoing, happy, accomplished - it's all a facade. I have "friends", but I don't let any of them know me. No one can get to close. I have been in love twice - but I ultimately pushed these two wonderful men away - and hurt them badly. I cannot allow intimate relationships. Emotional intimacy is just something that I can't do. I put up a wall when people get too close. And as far as physical intimacy - I have pretty much NO libido. Maybe it is the years of antidepressants? Maybe I'm just frigid from the ed. Any passion I have gets channeled into exercise or food behaviors (restricting,binging, food rituals, sigh).
just wondered if there was anyone else out there similar to me.
WHen I was young, I had many friends with EDs from all the treatment centers, etc. But that was mostly 20-somethings... and most of those people seem to have either recovered or "outgrown" their ed to some extent. They somehow managed to move on and get married (blows my mind!), have families , etc. Although I am happy for them, I find it hard to relate to such normalcy.

Sorry for rambling. I just have been feeling very alone in this struggle lately (but I'm not - again, my treatment team is Awesome).. it would be nice to have someone to talk to (not to commiserate in an unhealthy manner, but just to "connect") who has had similar experiences. (or as I refer to myself a veteran ED person!)
Thanks to anyone who reads this!


"Wilted Rose"

[Odin]

Don't assume that just because others can get married etc, that they are normal. I think most people have some sort of demon biting them from time to time. You say that many of your co-workers don't know who you really are, are you sure that you really know who these folks you think are normal are "normal"? I must ask as a person who's preferred method of self abuse is food related, and who doesn't feel that they let others know who I am, do you have a therapist that you feel completely comfortable being honest with? I am currently struggling with the fact that I like my therapist, which precludes me being completely forthright about my own life with them. I think that unless we can find someone that we can trust to lay everything bare to, we are not really on the path to recovery yet. Also, perhaps you ought to read a children's book called "Leo the Lop" a great message about normality, and our vision of it in others. I recently rediscovered its simple wisdom reading it to my own children. Sometimes a simple message still carries the most wisdom.

[fifthsonata]

While I am only 28, I've had an eating disorder for well over half my life, including those "developmental years," so yes, I'd likely be considered "chronic." I don't like that label, though, because it implies this feeling of....being trapped...and comparing yourself to others, even other sick people, will only make you feel worse about yourself. But, if it helps you, I do very similar things - my identity is wrapped up in illness and I don't know how to function without it. Intimacy scares the fuck out of me. My ED behaviors mask the true issues of depression - there's always that question of "the chicken or the egg" - did the ED cause depression, or did the depression cause the ED? Mine is pretty clear cut - the depression caused the ED - and it sounds like yours is, too. It makes everything less. The emotions less. The pain less. The desire for intimacy, while strong, is scary, so if you lessen that desire, you don't feel it as much. You don't eat for the day and suddenly you can operate like a seemingly normal human being (even if your mind is stuck on cheese).

Honestly, I don't think you ever "outgrow" an eating disorder. Like an addict, it's always there, lurking, in the back of your mind. You just learn how to control it.

I do, however, run an eating disorder community if you'd like to join - it's not the pro-ana BS you see on Oprah. We're, in a way, like this one - we offer social support from people who are experiencing the same thing. Triggering material is discussed because it is unavoidable on an ED site, but we don't encourage unhealthy behavior. If you want to join, or at least check it out, message me and I'll send you the link.

[WiltedRose]

I appreciate both of your replies very much. Thank you. I wish I could ramble on a little more here, but currently am really in a rough place and everything feels really overwhelming and excruciating. I feel I don't have the strength/energy to use my brain at the moment to write more in response to either post individually, but i certainly WANT to and hope to do so.. soon. Just wanted to acknowledge I read your responses today. And it did help me feel some connection - your words and thoughts shared mean so much to me! My treatment team is working intensely with me - this whole past week has been maybe the worst I've experienced in quite some time which is disheartening. The ED being the most outwardly apparent "issue".... but the more severe problems underlying I feel are the depression/anxiety (less apparent on the outside, but so debilitating on the inside!) I feel like I am in the midst of some sort of "mental breakdown" - whatever that means. I could define it by my own experience and the term feels fitting. I feel like i should try to post on another board in the forum, but I don't even know which one would be appropriate. (something like SCARED TO DEATH THAT I AM LOSING MY MIND! feels most fitting).
so again, more to be said later in regards more specificially to the ED stuff - and i would love to learn more about the online community you mentioned, FifthSonata

[moonlightwatie]

Yep, me.

Anorexia as a means of having control over *something* in life has been around for me for thirty years, I'll bet. Started in elementary school but never got diagnosed or treated until I was in my mid 20's. I've had a few major bouts since then, and a lot more minor ones. I'm in the middle of a decent bout right now, as a matter of fact.

I know I'd be worse without my husband. It was because of him I got treatment. He's still the only one who can get me to eat even if I don't want to.

Has anyone proven ED's to be genetic? Because at least one relative on each side has battled an ED, including my Mom.

[WiltedRose]

Hi Moonlight.... this will be real quick (on my way to Crossfit workout... ugh. lol?) But definitely a genetic link. One of the docs I had the oppertunity to work with, mostly in late eighties through 90's,, Dr. Walter Kaye, has done extensive research on that topic. My sister had ED as well. And we have it in my family... it's kind of one of those things where we have the predisposing "factors"?? (maybe sensitivity, perfecitionism, etc. etc.)... and as the expression goes, Genetics load the gun - environment pulls the trigger. I'd like to talk to you more... again... gotta run for now, but hope to be back to the boards. I am happy to hear you have been able to be married despite the ED issue. i have such a hard time with intimacy. Trusting. Letting anyone know what's really going on in my crazy brain. I do have one person - he was a boyfriend for years (on and off due to my pushing away)... and he is still in my life - a huge support aside from my therapsist/tx team. I feel fortunate to have him. I can even sometimes eat with him ... my food /eating is very ritualized and of course there are only certain things that are safe to eat.... but he puts up with it! maybe some day I will be healthy enough to get married. a lot of work to do in the meantime! talk to you more later, i hope. thank you for responding and hang in there!!!!!
Debbie (aka, Wilted Rose)