I've slowly gotten in to not eating again. It was pretty gradual. Nothing really happened, I just stopped. I started just being a bit dizzy, so I wouldn't eat. That was a bit over a week ago maybe, and then I started just not really eating all day, and then I'd feel sick, so I wouldn't want to eat. I just ordered soup at a restaurant the other day and couldn't finish it. I started to get anxious, so I told myself I didn't have to finish it to calm down, and everyone asked if there was something wrong with it.
Today all I've eaten is a slice of pizza and it's now dinner time and I think I'm just going to buy a can of soup. I'm not hungry, I'm just tired. But I know it's a slippery slope, and I've made a lot of progress, especially with eating in restaurants and I don't want to go back down that. My family is going out for dinner tomorrow for my brother's birthday and I want to be able to eat there. On the weekend we're going out of town with him and I want to have the energy to have fun and not be anxious. I know what I have to do, but it's like my arm is too heavy to bring food to my mouth, let alone get anything.
I'm going to buy milk and bread so I can force myself tomorrow to eat breakfast. Hold me to that. I'd like to get better now.
Slippery Slope
Re: Slippery Slope
kitkat! What a pleasure to see you post.
I am sorry to hear that you are suffering. I am also very happy to see you using your words.
I suggest you keep doing two things you posted about:
1. Keep using your words to everyone you trust.
2. Ask to be held accountable (hopefully offering yourself gentleness and kindness while you do it).
Other than reading some memoirs about ED, I have little experience with that topic. But I do have experience with taking baby steps towards a scary goal: bookending.
(So what I suggest below may not be canon straight from the best practices of ED, so buyer beware.)
In a bookend one calls/texts or in this case posts before taking a difficult step: in that case, buying food.
Then, after trying the difficult step, the bookend is completed then call/text/post your trusted friend(s) and let them know how the attempt went. Success is in the trying.
Lastly, here is something I invented that helps me break down a scary action, applied to your situation:
1. Get into the car.
2. Drive to the store.
3. Walk into the store.
4. Stand in front of the milk.
5. Stick your arm towards the milk (if someone gives you a weird look, tell them that Oak says it is okay).
6. Pick up the milk.
7. Put the milk in your cart.
8. Repeat 4 through 7 for bread.
9. Pay for the items and drive home.
IMO, just considering going to the get the milk is success. To me, it is heroic. To me, you have already succeeded, today.
If you make it to step 1, sitting in your car, man is that progress!
If you drive to the store, sit there in your car in the parking lot for a moment, then get wierded out, then that is progress! Awesome!
Your worth and dignity is inherent in who you are, not dependent on what you do.
I'll be super happy if you make it to step 9. Whatever you do or don't do is separate from who you are. Which is a good person.
I am sorry to hear that you are suffering. I am also very happy to see you using your words.
I suggest you keep doing two things you posted about:
1. Keep using your words to everyone you trust.
2. Ask to be held accountable (hopefully offering yourself gentleness and kindness while you do it).
Other than reading some memoirs about ED, I have little experience with that topic. But I do have experience with taking baby steps towards a scary goal: bookending.
(So what I suggest below may not be canon straight from the best practices of ED, so buyer beware.)
In a bookend one calls/texts or in this case posts before taking a difficult step: in that case, buying food.
Then, after trying the difficult step, the bookend is completed then call/text/post your trusted friend(s) and let them know how the attempt went. Success is in the trying.
Lastly, here is something I invented that helps me break down a scary action, applied to your situation:
1. Get into the car.
2. Drive to the store.
3. Walk into the store.
4. Stand in front of the milk.
5. Stick your arm towards the milk (if someone gives you a weird look, tell them that Oak says it is okay).
6. Pick up the milk.
7. Put the milk in your cart.
8. Repeat 4 through 7 for bread.
9. Pay for the items and drive home.
IMO, just considering going to the get the milk is success. To me, it is heroic. To me, you have already succeeded, today.
If you make it to step 1, sitting in your car, man is that progress!
If you drive to the store, sit there in your car in the parking lot for a moment, then get wierded out, then that is progress! Awesome!
Your worth and dignity is inherent in who you are, not dependent on what you do.
I'll be super happy if you make it to step 9. Whatever you do or don't do is separate from who you are. Which is a good person.
Work is love made visible. -Kahlil Gibran
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
Re: Slippery Slope
How did it go?
Work is love made visible. -Kahlil Gibran
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
Re: Slippery Slope
Thanks oak! It's weird, I think sometimes that I have all these things I want to talk about, and I don't know where I can talk about them and I forget that I can come here. It always makes me feel better, but I forget it, hehe.
I'm also trying to talk to people, but it's a lot harder in real life. I don't know why, it's just so difficult to express myself aloud. But in slow, measured bursts, I'm able to a bit.
I do like cutting up a scary situation in to little steps like that. I try it sometimes, but still feel bad if I can't get to the end of it. I like your way much better, hehe. Thank you for making me feel like buying milk is a big feat.
I did end up getting all those things that day. As for my brother's birthday, I went for the dinner and ate very slowly and not a lot, but I did eat. I told people I wasn't feeling well, which was true, but I still tried. On the weekend when we went to the casino, I was off and on feeling anxious there. I'd feel fine for a bit and then just want to leave. It was exhausting, but in the end I did eat more that day than the other day. I feel like I'm slowly eating more, but I still have a lot of progress to make. I keep thinking of all the yummy food I wish I didn't have to be anxious to eat and it's scary, but also good motivation because I really want to be able to enjoy it.
Anyway, thank you for being super great again, oak.
It's weird, I think sometimes that I have all these things I want to talk about, and I don't know where I can talk about them and I forget that I can come here. It always makes me feel better, but I forget it, hehe.I'm also trying to talk to people, but it's a lot harder in real life. I don't know why, it's just so difficult to express myself aloud. But in slow, measured bursts, I'm able to a bit.
I do like cutting up a scary situation in to little steps like that. I try it sometimes, but still feel bad if I can't get to the end of it. I like your way much better, hehe.
Thank you for making me feel like buying milk is a big feat. I did end up getting all those things that day. As for my brother's birthday, I went for the dinner and ate very slowly and not a lot, but I did eat. I told people I wasn't feeling well, which was true, but I still tried. On the weekend when we went to the casino, I was off and on feeling anxious there. I'd feel fine for a bit and then just want to leave. It was exhausting, but in the end I did eat more that day than the other day. I feel like I'm slowly eating more, but I still have a lot of progress to make. I keep thinking of all the yummy food I wish I didn't have to be anxious to eat and it's scary, but also good motivation because I really want to be able to enjoy it.
Anyway, thank you for being super great again, oak.