Bigorexia In Women

[Trixie_Agustina]

Ever since I can first remember I was skinny and underweight. As a child it was bad because I had an undiagnosed gluten allergy until I was 9, causing me to be severely underweight as a kid. People always thought that I wasn’t eating enough and even my own Mother said I looked “anorexic”. When I was diagnosed gluten free and stopped eating gluten I gained 20 lbs but when I began puberty I just thinned out all over again. Now a lot of people may not understand this because they think being thin is the ultimate goal of every woman. Well it ain’t. At least not for me. I never desired to be underweight. I never saw the appeal in it, I always wanted to be in the normal range and look healthy. I felt like a freak of nature because I wasn’t “normal”. I was excessively thin and even I thought I looked borderline anorexic most of my life.

When I was put in a mental hospital at 13, I was constantly accused of being anorexic by the staff members there because of my size and because I didn’t like the nasty food they served there. It was like jail food, of course it had little appeal to me, and what was worse is that I grew up with sensory issues. It didn’t help that when I turned 14 I was starting to notice my body more, and online I saw girls with flat, skinny bodies constantly getting shamed and put down, called stuff again like “anorexic, pancake ass, meth head, crack whore, bad role model, unhealthy, weak, frail, fragile, body of a little boy / a man, not a real woman, etc.” these things hurt. They echoed in my head and I really didn’t want to be associated with these titles. And the ideal body type at the time was and still is a “slim thick” and curvy hourglass body, with a normal weight. Having a big butt with a tiny waist was the thing, and I saw it constantly being praised as feminine and sexy. I didn’t have any of that stuff. I was what everyone seemed to hate just as much as obese people.

I was 5’3” and 95 lbs at that time and I really started hating myself. I tried workouts to get a bigger and curvier body, but it was hard to see results because I had a very fast metabolism and it was difficult for me to put on weight. I hated even more when people tried to make it sound like I was fortunate to have this thing called a “fast metabolism”. It wasn’t fortunate for me. I didn’t fucking want to be skinny. I wanted to be curvy, fit, and healthy looking. I was sick of getting bullied and accused of being some drug user or junkie. I was sick of being told how ugly I was because I didn’t have huge ass and tits. I was ashamed to wear bikinis or anything remotely revealing from then on because I was afraid of being judged. I was afraid no guy would ever truly want me or like me because most guys prefer women with curves, and don’t like flat girls. Of course as the years went on, I was continually bullied for my size. And people continued downplaying it whether it was toward me or other women who have been thin shamed.

I would stuff my face and try and lift weights in desperate attempts to gain weight. I did put on some weight but it was very difficult, people try to glorify this shit too. Lifting heavy weights is not fun. Having to force yourself to eat more than you can handle is not fun. Think of the pain of being full, 10x. I have given myself head spinning stomach aches trying to force all the food down. Once I even made myself throw up by eating too much and that made me feel extremely guilty. I will never forget the guilt I felt when that happened and I felt like a failure. I hated my body and my entire existence and I just wanted to escape myself so bad but I couldn’t. I didn’t wanna be in this ugly, useless body anymore. My wrists are so thin you could wrap your fingers around and it makes me feel weak and pathetic. Even as a martial artist who does have some muscle tone and strength now. 2 years ago I got up to 120 lbs and that was a feat for me. While I was still 10 lbs lower than my goal weight, I was happier. But there were times I still saw myself as being stick thin. I saw a skeleton when I looked in the mirror. It didn’t help that a lady made a comment that I was “stick thin” around my heaviest. It made me feel like all hope was lost for me. I’m always gonna be this ugly freak forever. I’m never gonna be the beautiful girl with curves. Now I struggle to get past 105 lbs and I’m lower than I’ve been in years. I’m extremely disappointed in myself and I just wanna get back to at least 120. My worst fear is being severely underweight again and being a weak piece of shit. I want more muscles and curves, and I need more muscles and curves. But the more sad part about this is that I can hardly find any fellow women who struggle with my same issue. Mine is severe. I don’t care what anyone says, I have no desire to stay thin. I WANT to gain weight, and I mean it. If there is anyone struggling with this same issue. Man or woman even it doesn’t matter. I’d like to talk with you. I feel extremely alone.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Trixie_Agustina

Your post really got my attention, thank you for your honestly and your explanation of feelings towards your current self and set goal.

As the family on here know i have a incurable bowel disease and previous cancer. From 2015 i lost a massive amount of weight. It was sudden, it was due to part disease and part mental fight. I don't want to bore you with the long sob story. However i do get where you're coming from. From 2015- 2019 i was down to 42 kg, i am 175cm tall. I was bleeding internally and knew in myself the body was turning again me. No matter what i ate the weight would not stay, i would bleed more from the bowels and ulcers formed on and in my nose and ears. I looked and felt like death had me in it grasp. People judged me, they didn't say much other than look at me with "that look"!

The aloneness i felt then felt terrifying as i work in the medical profession, the people around me were medically trained. Yet not one of them could help. It was up to me. I need to do the hard work. I sat with a dietitian and nutrition team, we came to the conclusion i was not allowed food. I was tube feed for a year and i have to say it was the biggest test of my life. Once foods were reintroduced slowly i had to relearn what the body could process and what it would deny and send me back to bed to recover from the insult.

Then the real work started, the mental health side of things. That started as i was so sick of being sick, i buried mum, dad, brother, twin, grandparents and it was soon to be me. I was on the path of least resistance....the shed! I was going to take my own life and prevent food from ever hurting me again. As i sat on the steps, head in my hands, at the end of my day, end of my life the bloody shed door opens. My husband came home. No words were exchanged, he got me in the car and we drove for hours and hours. We came home and the feeling had passed.

I got the help i needed at the time, i got back in the saddle and faced this challenge head on. I battle with my weight as it goes up and down depending on the flairs of the Crohn's, and the medications. Plus i am back to running to build up the muscles. This is my life support.

I understand i am not in the same category but i have been there, i have been judged, i have hidden away most of my living life for many reasons.

Your my dear are amazing, you have reached out, you have been honest and transparent and i admire you so much for that.

That said, i am here if you need to talk.

[oak]

Trixie, welcome and thank you for sharing. We are only as sick as our secrets.

Our good friend Mental Fairy shares some excellent insights.

How are you feeling now?

Edit to add:

Though I offer the following recommendation with some reservations, you may want to check out the podcast "Maintenance Phase".

While they've never discussed bigorexia, they do (especially in the earlier episodes) take down "diet culture".

I don't make this recommendation because I agree with everything they say (I don't), but because they clearly and forcefully push back against the weight/diet/CICO/fitness/"wellness"/shaming screeching I've been subject to my entire life.

[snoringdog]

Hello Trixie,

Welcome. I'm just catching up on the thread. How are you feeling?

Comments if I may?

and online I saw girls with flat, skinny bodies constantly getting shamed and put down, called stuff again like “...... etc.”

These things hurt.

They echoed in my head and I really didn’t want to be associated with these titles.

What a sick and destructive thing (Anti) Social Media can be. It's not reality, and it's horrible how it brings out the worst in some people.

You were diagnosed with a gluten allergy when you were nine. (I've read that it took many years for the medical community to even recognize this existed).

I imagine that you've had more consultations with doctors and/or nutritionists in the meantime.. Have you?

And might this be partly hereditary? What about parents, siblings, cousins- do they tend toward thinness?

Wishing you the best!

SD