My 30 Year Diet

[JennaM]

This might not apply, but the main thing that helped pull me out of bulimia when I was in my mid-20s, after a decade or so of struggling with that and body shame from much younger than that, was having this one little thought one day: this is the worst thing about me. I don’t even know why it popped into my head. But then I thought, if this is the worst thing about me, I guess I’m pretty OK as a person. People do so many terrible things... to other people, to the world, to animals, etc. All I’m doing is punishing myself because it somehow gives me a small sense of control over my life. I thought, I guess I can live with that.

Oddly, as soon as I had that acceptance and tiny bit of compassion for myself, I slowly began to have less of a need to do it. Over time, what had been a (pardon the pun) delicious little secret, was less and less attractive as a compulsion. Maybe this is what reduction of harm theories are about.

I had also just started graduate school that year, and feeding my brain (constantly, almost excessively) also had an effect. It used up a lot of the anxiety that made me want to binge and purge. So maybe it was a combo. But the important thing I want to convey is that as big and impossible as it feels, you might find that just one tiny bit of self acceptance could start some momentum. Whether you do surgery or not, I hope you can believe that if this is the worst thing about you, you’re pretty OK!

[rivergirl]

Hi remarks,

I just wanted to let you know that you have my support in whatever course you choose to take to try to feel better and healthier.

I've struggled with food issues since I was a child, and although I was thin to average weight for the first 40 years of my life, this eventually turned into a weight problem as well.

I share your feeling of shame in even discussing the topic, but we're all just trying to do our best to cope with pain in the ways that we learned before we were able to even make a conscious choice about coping in healthier ways.

Wishing you self-compassion as you make the decision about surgery. Please take care and keep us posted.

rivergirl

[remarks]

Thank you all for your support. It really does mean a lot! I don't think I'm going to tell many people in my life that I'm having the surgery because I don't want to feel their judgment or deal with their reactions. So having you wonderful people to talk to means a lot.

Having this surgery is not a magic fix. It will take a lot of work on my part to change my relationship with food and stick to the plan. But for once I feel like it might actually be doable.

@JennaM, thank you for sharing. I never thought about it that way before. You're right. If the worst thing about me is that I can't control my eating, I'm not such a bad person after all.