YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I've been dealing with issues concerning weight, food, and body dysmorphia for a longer time than I had thought.When I was in junior high, I refused to wear a bikini because I felt like my legs and butt were too big. No doubt had to do with sexual abuse by my father and a "teasing" but hurtful nickname of "big rear" by my sister. I've always been athletic with a flat stomach and strong legs. However, I've wished for a long time to be a size 0 instead of what I still sometimes consider a "fat 5." Once I hit high school, I began dieting pretty aggressively, taking note of my weight and exercise (even though I was involved in multiple soccer leagues, multiple dance classes, track and field, and ran all the time) and avoiding situations where only unhealthy food would be involved. Once I got into college, and started drinking a bit more and drunk eating- I started throwing up my food, too afraid to gain any weight. It began Freshman year, but wasn't consistent. I knew I had other issues- depression, anxiety- and thought those were the only issues. By senior year, I was 115 LBS at a height of 5'9 and a body type that shouldn't look that way. Healthy weight for me had always been 140. My leggings wouldn't fit- and I LOVED it. I started doing cleanses until my legs lost almost all muscle. I liked the attention I got- I realize now I was looking for value, but used sex and my looks as a way to get that. Now, at 25- I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder for a few years, and have worked hard to get to a point where I can manage my mania and depression- but I haven't yet conquered my eating disorder. I've finally decided to take the steps- stop throwing up, be more mindful while I eat and practice these skills with meditation and yoga, utilize other distraction tools, listen to podcasts, track my food on a recovery app, etc. I know I am doing a lot, and it will take time to change my mind and lifestyle, but I still think about food all the time and it makes me so anxious. Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas on what else I can do to help myself? I really appreciate it

getting over such a difficult thing as how you think about food will take some outside help - maybe a therapist or support group that deals specifically with eating disorders -

having an issue with how you think about food is so insidious becuase you HAVE to think about food daily - its not like drugs where you can go hang out with people who just don't do drugs - its not like there is a community of non eaters - So it will take time and finding a community to heal with and find out that you are amazing even as a "fat 5" whatever that is - (I'm a fat 18) and I haven't seen 5 since high school which mind you I was 105 pounds and a 5 so little 5'2 chika will never be skinny even when she is skinny because these hips don't lie -

I hope this helps - good luck

The best thing is individualized treatment for the eating disorder alone. Be it with a therapist, a dietician, partial inpatient, partial outpatient, whatever is best for your needs.....if your bipolar is under control, you should be able to isolate the ED itself.

Marya Hornbacher's writings are really spot on with this experience - both "Madness" and "Wasted." I'd really encourage you read them, but it can be triggering.

Otherwise, definitely see a specialist. That's the only thing that has remotely helped me.

Silverstein23

Good morning

This is where I am at with food and healing.

Your relationship to your food and your relationship to other people are almost the same thing. Your attitude to one expresses your attitude to the the other. If you can work on how you treat one, you can change and improve how you treat the other.

"I need [food/people] to behaviour exactly as I expect and be there in the right amount when I dictate."

You want experiences with others where you have time to take them in, to at least know what to expect while they're there, and know the effects they will have on you later when you're by yourself.

Food is your primary relationship. If you can get the whole experience (the choice, routine, preparation, emotions, consumption) of it to a place that feels healthy, safe, exciting and nurturing; then that is good practice for the relationships with the people in your life. You consume their emotions, and they consume yours; either not enough, too much, or just the vital ones in just the right amounts. Practice.

The best experiences are where you're each enjoying food you prefer, and each other in a way you each prefer. I have not necessarily had that experience often but it is definitely a desirable goal.