YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

my eating disorder is slowly killing me, physically and mentally. I've been struggling with bulimia for 4 years now. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. i hop on the scale and the number scares me. I'm 5'6", around 117 right now, but as soon as the number goes over 120 i immediately freak the fuck out! whenever I eat I hate myself. I can never eat just enough to get by. I overeat and then I'm forced to purge or else I'll get fat and ugly.

I hate being this way. i have not talked about this in depth with anyone. I'm so ashamed of it, and if my family found out they would freak out. i live with my mom (I'm 27 and unemployed due to my mental illness) and she gets very overbearing when things get bad. if she knew about this she would watch me like a hawk and never let me out of her site for fear of purging.

I hate myself so much. I don't know what to do. I'm so depressed and pissed at myself that I just wish i was dead. i don't want to kill myself but the future is so bleak for me. i feel so alone and scared. i see no real future for myself.

if i keep going down this path i will die. it could be a heart attack, a ruptured stomach, i don't know. but there is a good chance of something horrible and painful happening to me.

Part of me doesn't care though. so what if i fucking die? i know my family will miss me, but i'm in so much pain i can barely stand it. somehow i keep going, but my body can only take so much abuse.

this inner hatred won't go away. i'm lost.......

Hey Rose.

You did good, really good by posting here. I am proud that you were willing to be so honest. I am sorry that you are suffering, and I hope things get better for you soon.

When you feel like it, a good next step could be to call 211 and tell them what you told us.

You can click on this link to find a way to call or gchat:

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ ... l-helpline

Like you said, the consequences of long term eating disorders are bad. I don't know what the answer is for you, but you still have time.

A final thought/suggestion:

When I face tough times to use my voice, I find it helpful to bookend: to tell a friend before and after taking a difficult step to seek help. So, maybe, when you are ready to reach out, you can bookend here, in this thread. You can post, if you like, the script of what you plan to say. Then, after you have made the difficult step/action, you can post here that you made it through.

One more suggestion: keep telling people what you told us here until someone cares.

Good luck.

I am in recovery for an eating disorder. At a healthy weight for two years. I still struggle with thoughts and behaviors but I am still fighting the battle and on the way to full recovery.

There is no way I would be where I am now if it was not for a therapist, treatment, support groups, and other types of healing support. I urge you to please come out of the closet and find help. Eating disorders thrive on secrecy, that is what they are all about. When you are serious about recovery then it is time to stop hiding and stop lying. It is a scary step to take. But you cannot recover from an eating disorder well still hiding the fact that you have one.

Work on hearing your voice over the eating disorders voice. Awareness between the two is so pertinent. It will live you and deceive you and do everything in its power to stay yours and yours alone. The title of your post is perfect. Eating disorders try to give us a sense of control, but truly it is the most out-of-control behavior you can have. The first step in getting control back from the eating disorder is to be truthful and honest and start taking steps to heal.

Your mother may not be supportive or understanding. My family deserted me in the face of my recovery. But that in itself was a healing and awareness building experience. And I am better off for it.

Keep talking and keep reaching out and let me know if there's anything I can do to encourage you. There are EDA meetings everywhere. That's a good place to start.

Hugs.

hang in there. def not alone in your struggle. I am so sick right now barely have strength to type this. I've struggled all my life (since first hospitalized in teens) and it's a rough disease. Currently as of two weeks ago I am not medically cleared to work. they are trying to deal with me outpatient before back to inpatient (I've spent years of my life between inpatient/residential centers all over the place). this relapse was unanticipated but it's really bad how it snuck up on me. never expected to be here again. scared. very scared. and not being allowed to work is so hard. I don't know what will happen next................................................................so scared.

When I first was recovering from anorexia, I stopped stepping on the scale for a few months, so I could focus on recovery and not that damn number on the scale. I also gave the voice in my head that encourages my anorexia a name so I could "talk" to it and tell it to shut up when it was encouraging me not to eat.

That was a dozen years ago, and in that time I've adjusted what my "healthy weight range" is due to aging. The high end of the range does freak me out a little when I see it on the scale, but the lower range doesn't make me happy anymore. It's more of a warning not to let the anorexia win.

This is a very hard struggle, and as hard as this sounds, you need to be kind to yourself.

it is indeed a hard struggle and unfortunately a chronic (lifetime) struggle for some of us (maybe with Trauma issues? comorbid issues such as anxiety/depression/ocd) <--speaking for myself here. But I try to see it a other chronic illnesses. It CAN be managed with the proper tx team or support. Not every day has to be a crisis. I feel like comparing it to diabetes is almost a bad comparison.... as it feels so much more complicated than that. But similar, I guess , in that you have to stay on top of it and be aware of what the behaviors are and how they are impacting your life, and why we are using them. Sorry - not thinking clearly and not feeling well. But just adding to the thread.
Wilted Rose