YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Tonight is the first time I have binged and purged twice in a matter of a couple of hours. What seems to be strange is the dysfunctional, childlike side of me feeling like I have achieved something in the world of bulima which I should be "proud" of. Yet the rational, adult side of me is sitting here a bit ashamed and worried that there is no going back now & to hang on it's going to be a bumpy ride!

You are not your actions that you take under the greatest of stress - you are not your bulimia. Nothing changed about your considerable positive self-worth. We here are cheering for you and for your greatest tomorrow, so don't give up on yourself, Cheesehead.

Thanks so much for the positive words...unfortunately I am not in the state of mind right now to be very receptive of it. But as I have always joked with therapists in the past, I'm "special" (not in a good way) the normal rules of expectations, behavior, and duties for people don't apply to me...perfection is what is expected of me. I have different rules, much more stringent ones. But I guess that there is always hope that one day those rules won't apply to me. (But I really doubt it!)

Yet the rational, adult side of me is sitting here a bit ashamed and worried that there is no going back now & to hang on it's going to be a bumpy ride!

Its funny, that 'crossed a line' feeling. A feeling I am all too familiar with. It seems so silly because at face value, we have only just crossed that line, cant we just jump back a couple of steps and un cross it? But there it sits, the deed is done and that 'mean part of your brain' suddenly becomes encouraging and positive - for all the wrong reasons. I wish I knew how to fix it, for me it always seems to come to a climax of its own after a long bumpy road - I am however becoming more aware of the line approaching these days and have been getting slowly more successful in recognising that my next actions could be making the choice that will kick off another dark out of control spiral. Then I have to find the will power to make the right decision but as you know, eating disorders and will power have a rather twisted relationship. I guess what I am trying to say is your not alone and I'm thinking of you.