Never good enough for Mom

[Herself]

So, my childhood wasn't bad or traumatic, but some things have colored my whole existence. You'd think after forty years, I could let stuff go, but there it is.

Depression started at a pretty young age, and I've always been the type to question things, so having a sad, obstinate child probably wasn't easy for someone who grew up in a very Catholic, 'just do what you're told' family FULL of mental illness.

I'm the second of four kids. My sister, a year older, is very smart and focused and did well in school. Me, not so much. My mother constantly compared us and pointed out my shortcomings. She actually told me, more than once, that I'd better marry a rich man and that I was going to end up as a grocery store cashier because of my grades.

I started doing community children's theater around age 10. I absolutely loved it, but my mother never seemed to understand my enthusiasm and certainly never expresssed pride in my performances (of course, maybe I just sucked). Later on, my brother also joined. After getting cast in a fourth play, Mom turned to me and said, "That's more plays than you were in."

Every time something happens, she reminds me that I'm the unluckiest person in the world. After my best friend died in a car wreck, she told me that I wasn't good at making friends. However, in the hospital after my suicide attempt, I apologized and she said, "What would we have done? You're my buddy."

So, childhood for me was constantly feeling wrong, out of place, and hopeless. Boy, am I fun at parties!

[Geek]

There are some things you never forget. When you have a parent constantly telling you that you're unlucky and have a hard time making friends, it's hard to not let it get to you. My Mom used to tell me in not so indirect ways that I was stupid. It was things like "you'd go around your elbow to scratch you a$&" and sometimes she would tap my head with her finger and yell at me to "think!!!". I tried to play it off later in life, until I caught myself shutting down because I believed what she said about me. I mean I couldn't make decisions for myself let alone set boundaries.

I am sorry about what you went through. Just remember while those things are a part of your life, it's not the whole story. These things do haunt us at times, but I feel like its normal.

[fifthsonata]

It's so hard to think that the person who is supposed to unconditionally love you could be so....I guess, rejecting. You include she came around after your suicide attempt and said you were her "buddy," which definitely is indicative of someone who is uncomfortable with expressing feelings of love and care. After a suicide attempt no one says "you're my buddy" - that just feels so....trivial, I guess?

I only have two thoughts on this and that is confronting her about the issue - not necessarily asking her why she was so hurtful, but say something like "In my childhood it felt like you were constantly rejecting me. I'm still struggling with it today and I'd like to discuss it so I can move on."

Of course, that's easier said than done. If you have a shaky relationship with a parent, there's a fear of breaking what little you have away. I am dealing with the same thing - I won't go into detail here, but let's just say I know the feeling of parental rejection.

The other option is to let it go. That's even harder, because in all of us is a son or daughter who wants their parents to love them. You can't just let that go. If they made it clear you weren't good enough you damn sure want to know WHY.

Right now I'm bordering on confrontation and letting it go. Letting it go seems best for me considering my current "relationship" with this parent. You know you best, however. Go with your heart.

[fifthsonata]

sorry! I somehow tabbed to the enter button....

...perhaps, for now, take a step back, talk to a therapist, and get a break from mom. That constant negativity is not something you need - I recall a few of your other posts in the borderline section and this may be an issue you want to confront when you're a little bit stronger emotionally. Parents are a raw nerve for most of us. A break from her and some counseling would be a good idea.

[Herself]

Problem is that if you call her on anything, she says, "I was just joking!" Oy!

[MsJ99]

I totally understand this situation... I am the oldest of four in my Chinese American family. I CONSTANTLY felt the comparison... not so much in my family but to other families' kids. "Did you hear about what so and so's daughter did?" or "Did you know that so and so's daughter got accepted into an Ivy League?" The thing is -- my parents never vocalized it to me but I FELT their stares and body language. It was more me that was pressuring myself into thinking I never measured up. My community is very small and tight knit so everyone knows everybody else's business. The comparisons never end -- even now, at 32 years old, it's "Do you know who got married?" or "Did you know they just bought a house in that neighborhood?". I feel guilt and shame and inadequate all. the. time.

[moonlightwatie]

I was never good enough for my Mom too. We were just starting to make some progress when my parents turned into assholes and I stopped talking to them.

Sometimes, we have to find friends who can be surrogate parents. Better to find that kind of love and nurturing from someone else than to beat one's head against the wall trying to get acceptance from our parent(s).

[irrationalpersist]

As a compassionate outsider, I want to point out that your mother's pattern of talking to you was in no way reflective of who you were or who you are today. That is where talking to a therapist can help. What you have been told, and what has been done to you, was not a reflection of what you were capable of becoming. They were symptomatic of a distressed psychology (your mother's). Unfortunately, all those messages add up in our own developing identities and that is the work we undertake once we reach adulthood, the difficult project of addressing our internalized messaging.

I am sorry you have suffered, and I am here to tell you that it does get better.

IP

[ArmyOfMe80]

My mother seems to be threatened whenever I feel empowered or optimistic for my future. I tell myself she is just a realist. And that is true, she is. But it is a pattern. If I am excited about an idea I have to improve my life or move ahead in life, she finds a way to burst my bubble. She plants fear in me about it and just cuts down the idea, whatever it is. It is honestly at a point where if I am excited about something coming up or an idea I have, I don't even tell her. As painful as those things ate, I love her. We have wonderful and encouraging text conversations. But long phone conversations become strained. I try hard to keep them a reasonable length. And its always her that calls, not me.

Herself - your mom seemed to be picking on you, but I wonder if your mother did the same thing to your siblings when you weren't around. Maybe she bragged YOU up to THEM in some ways in order to make them step it up. I would like to think that she was trying to use reverse psychology on you, and maybe your siblings too, in order to motivate you. I would hate to think a mom would purposely try to make a kid feel inadequate.

Her calling you "her buddy" immediately makes me think maybe there is a jealousy. I think many parents are subconsciously jealous of their kids. My mom seems threatened by my sense of personal power and even self-worth. I think my depression has become that normal and comfortable to her.