Masculinity and the (broken) old school.
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 12:08 pm
"If that's the worst thing that ever happens to you, you'll have a great life"...
I heard this line many times when growing up.
I am 36 and by outward appearances normal (ha!).
My father is a young 70, and by outward appearances a great person. And that is most very accurate.
He is kind, friendly, thoughtful, patient, and likeable. Most people who meet him like him, and accurately so.
He did a fine job raising me, and I give him credit.
But.
Like the quote above, he oftentimes favors a polite friendly facade, rather than show emotion or awknowledge hurt.
"Just forget about it and move on."
He and I were meeting the other day, and I was relating how a passing stranger called me a "motherfucker" recently while I was in public, minding my own business.
Most people would empathetize (briefly) and let the convo move on. Instead of identifying with my distress (modest as it was, but still real), he gave me what I saw as the old school tough-guy spiel.
Surely that spiel is so broken to be hopelessly passe, right?
Per childhood, I often got this "boys don't cry" and "children are meant to be seen and not heard".
I do not judge my parents or their actions. I am responsible for feeling my own feelings (which I am increasingly able to do since getting sober) and being responsible for my actions.
I regret that my father, great as he is in so many ways, still adheres to the don't-show-emotion school of thought.
Yesterday I realized that alot of my adulthood acting out, playing "the screwed up child", is perhaps a way to wring an emotion, empathy out of him. How much do I have act out in order to get a response?
Does anything I wrote make sense? Maybe not.
But I feel better typing it here. And by "better" I mean I feel emotional, raw pain. Like a wound I got years ago and kept pushing down. The wound hurts and is raw, but I feel. I feel. The pain pulses in the sunshine and fresh air.
Thanks for listening.
I heard this line many times when growing up.
I am 36 and by outward appearances normal (ha!).
My father is a young 70, and by outward appearances a great person. And that is most very accurate.
He is kind, friendly, thoughtful, patient, and likeable. Most people who meet him like him, and accurately so.
He did a fine job raising me, and I give him credit.
But.
Like the quote above, he oftentimes favors a polite friendly facade, rather than show emotion or awknowledge hurt.
"Just forget about it and move on."
He and I were meeting the other day, and I was relating how a passing stranger called me a "motherfucker" recently while I was in public, minding my own business.
Most people would empathetize (briefly) and let the convo move on. Instead of identifying with my distress (modest as it was, but still real), he gave me what I saw as the old school tough-guy spiel.
Surely that spiel is so broken to be hopelessly passe, right?
Per childhood, I often got this "boys don't cry" and "children are meant to be seen and not heard".
I do not judge my parents or their actions. I am responsible for feeling my own feelings (which I am increasingly able to do since getting sober) and being responsible for my actions.
I regret that my father, great as he is in so many ways, still adheres to the don't-show-emotion school of thought.
Yesterday I realized that alot of my adulthood acting out, playing "the screwed up child", is perhaps a way to wring an emotion, empathy out of him. How much do I have act out in order to get a response?
Does anything I wrote make sense? Maybe not.
But I feel better typing it here. And by "better" I mean I feel emotional, raw pain. Like a wound I got years ago and kept pushing down. The wound hurts and is raw, but I feel. I feel. The pain pulses in the sunshine and fresh air.
Thanks for listening.