It took me 29 years to admit that my mother is abusive
Posted: August 20th, 2013, 11:24 am
I apologize for diving into this forum with only a brief introduction, but I really need to get this off my chest today.
My mother was abusive. I just admitted this for the first time three weeks ago.
I grew up watching her slap my dad every time he pissed her off. She controlled him, isolated him from his family and controlled all of the money. He is a shell of a man after 30 years of marriage to her.
I let her confide all of her marital problems to me because she had nobody to talk to. I had to talk her out of divorcing my dad, then found overwhelming evidence that she was cheating on him for the second time in their marriage. I confronted her and she refused to admit it.
She left my oldest half brother with his dad and didn't contact him for years until he moved in with her at the age of 15. He's 40 now and works part time with no money/nothing to show for. She puts him down behind his back and won't admit she contributed to his failure.
I saw her beat the living hell out of my second half brother who was raised by grandma until he was in 5th grade. He was a really good kid. She beat him for years until a teacher helped him move to an art school. After graduating he turned into an alcoholic. He found out at the age of 25 by chance that he was not actually my brother's brother like he thought--we have 3 different dads. Finally he moved away and got married to a woman that was pregnant. She shunned him when she found out his wife was pregnant when they met, and it wasn't his. She spoke horribly of him for years after he stopped talking to her.
As I watched all of this while growing up I got hit, screamed at for no reason at least once a week if she had a bad day, and was sent to my room for crying alone and confused. My dad would side up with her every time and scream at me for upsetting her, even though i was a good kid that stayed out of trouble. I always ended up apologizing even when I did nothing wrong. I feel like I disappointed her because I didn't become a doctor or a lawyer, although I have a good job with a good income. I let her control my life until I was 27, when my now-wife helped me realize how bad things were.
I felt bad for her when they lost their house and filed bankruptcy. It was because my mom has a serious spending problem and had 28 credit cards maxed out, two mortgages worth tens of thousands of dollars higher than the value of the home. Meanwhile, she was driving a $50k car, took lavish vacations and shopped every-single-weekend. My parents are both working class folks and I make more than both of them combined, yet she spends like crazy. I spent nights/days trying to figure out a way to save them because I knew she had drained their retirement. I'd keep myself up at night.
On my birthday 2 weeks ago, she bought two ipads (one for each of them) and was thinking about buying a $2,000 purse since they were offering 0% financing. After 5 months of therapy and a month of anti-depressants, that was my breaking point.
I felt some sort of loyalty to her. I am afraid to hurt her feelings and our relationship exists only to please her. It wears me out and has gotten me to the point of suicidal thoughts and self sabotage.
I've suffered severe depression for the past several years, and many years before that under the surface. She has indirectly ruined every relationship I've ever had, caused me to have many psychological issues and a very severe porn/sex addiction.
Today I am here to say out loud (via the web) that my mom was abusive and I don't owe her anything. It's not my fault and I am a good person that deserves to be loved.
I just wish I could believe it everyday, but I keep fading back into doubt and my heart hurts thinking about losing contact with her.
Thank you for reading.
My mother was abusive. I just admitted this for the first time three weeks ago.
I grew up watching her slap my dad every time he pissed her off. She controlled him, isolated him from his family and controlled all of the money. He is a shell of a man after 30 years of marriage to her.
I let her confide all of her marital problems to me because she had nobody to talk to. I had to talk her out of divorcing my dad, then found overwhelming evidence that she was cheating on him for the second time in their marriage. I confronted her and she refused to admit it.
She left my oldest half brother with his dad and didn't contact him for years until he moved in with her at the age of 15. He's 40 now and works part time with no money/nothing to show for. She puts him down behind his back and won't admit she contributed to his failure.
I saw her beat the living hell out of my second half brother who was raised by grandma until he was in 5th grade. He was a really good kid. She beat him for years until a teacher helped him move to an art school. After graduating he turned into an alcoholic. He found out at the age of 25 by chance that he was not actually my brother's brother like he thought--we have 3 different dads. Finally he moved away and got married to a woman that was pregnant. She shunned him when she found out his wife was pregnant when they met, and it wasn't his. She spoke horribly of him for years after he stopped talking to her.
As I watched all of this while growing up I got hit, screamed at for no reason at least once a week if she had a bad day, and was sent to my room for crying alone and confused. My dad would side up with her every time and scream at me for upsetting her, even though i was a good kid that stayed out of trouble. I always ended up apologizing even when I did nothing wrong. I feel like I disappointed her because I didn't become a doctor or a lawyer, although I have a good job with a good income. I let her control my life until I was 27, when my now-wife helped me realize how bad things were.
I felt bad for her when they lost their house and filed bankruptcy. It was because my mom has a serious spending problem and had 28 credit cards maxed out, two mortgages worth tens of thousands of dollars higher than the value of the home. Meanwhile, she was driving a $50k car, took lavish vacations and shopped every-single-weekend. My parents are both working class folks and I make more than both of them combined, yet she spends like crazy. I spent nights/days trying to figure out a way to save them because I knew she had drained their retirement. I'd keep myself up at night.
On my birthday 2 weeks ago, she bought two ipads (one for each of them) and was thinking about buying a $2,000 purse since they were offering 0% financing. After 5 months of therapy and a month of anti-depressants, that was my breaking point.
I felt some sort of loyalty to her. I am afraid to hurt her feelings and our relationship exists only to please her. It wears me out and has gotten me to the point of suicidal thoughts and self sabotage.
I've suffered severe depression for the past several years, and many years before that under the surface. She has indirectly ruined every relationship I've ever had, caused me to have many psychological issues and a very severe porn/sex addiction.
Today I am here to say out loud (via the web) that my mom was abusive and I don't owe her anything. It's not my fault and I am a good person that deserves to be loved.
I just wish I could believe it everyday, but I keep fading back into doubt and my heart hurts thinking about losing contact with her.
Thank you for reading.
