Anniversaries

[weary]

I just realized the other day that it was the one-year anniversary of me first joining this site. I took the occasion (unadvisable!) to go back through and read my posts. It was nice to recapture the feelings of warmth and acceptance and understanding that rush through upon reading a thoughtful and empathetic and compassionate response from someone. On the other hand, it sucks to feel like I am still bitching and venting about the same things over and over again, that I have managed to stay stuck in the same patterns, that I am still struggling with all of the same things except for the ones that have gotten worse.

That feeling of time passing by and things not getting better is the thing that depresses me the most. I'm so tired of struggling and waiting for change that I worry is never going to come. I hate this time of year - in addition to the anniversary of joining the site, I have a wedding anniversary coming, followed by a birthday, followed by the beginning of a new academic year. All milestones at which I can look back and say - I can't believe I am still dealing with the shit that I couldn't stand anymore a year ago, two years ago, five years ago. I can't believe how little I have accomplished in the past year.
.If you have read any of my posts you know that I am struggling on many fronts, and I want and need some basic things out of life and other people that I don't think are unreasonable. I don't think I'm entitled to everything I want; I don't think I shouldn't have to work for things - I do. I work. I struggle. I work on myself. I do what I think I'm supposed to. I try to help others - and bend over backwards sometimes. I don't know why I keep doing it if I never feel like I'm getting enough back.

I'm tired. I'm scared of things never getting better but too scared to make dramatic changes that might be the only way to break out of the rut. I don't want to be sitting here a year from now, two years from now, five years from now saying the same things - that I am tired of waiting for my wife to get her shit together, that I am frustrated that I don't feel like my home is a safe, relaxing, comfortable place, that I am scared that my whole career will amount to nothing and I have no backup plan. I know that I need to focus on myself and my needs and understand the actions that I need to take to fulfill them and the mental obstacles, obsessions, rules, guilt that keep me stuck. It's just really hard to do in the context of so much instability and chaos and stress and real situations that are scary.

I might have posted this in the wrong thread, because I don't know if a hug is what I need. It's actually a little bit of a trigger, because sometimes I tense up and don't really want to accept a hug from my wife anymore. Because it feels like that's all she ever has to offer and she thinks it should be enough. I guess it used to be enough but it's not anymore. Or maybe it was never enough. I don't know. All I know is that hugs don't solve problems on their own. Doesn't mean I don't want one. I guess I don't really know what I need from other people, in terms of empathy, support, understanding, tough love, help, ego boosting, validation, whatever.

[duck1]

Big hug. I am certain that you are developing more than you realize.

[oak]

Agreed with duck!

I am glad you made it through this year.

[shanarchy]

Hi weary,

I don't care if you don't want it, I'm sending you a huge hug.

I think I know what you are going through 'cause I have felt it before and am going through something a bit similar right now. In my case, I realized (with much frustration) that I'm making the same decisions I thought I wouldn't repeat. For some reason, I thought things would be different. I mistakenly believed that if I did some key things differently, the future outcomes would be in my favor.

I don't know how to feel better when faced with being stuck. I guess the only positive aspect about it is that we have the opportunity to make a different decision next time.

Don't be so hard on yourself because I need you to say you're doing better so I can be inspired by you. ...no pressure.

[weary]

Thanks for the validation, duck1, oak and shanarchy. Right back atcha.

[weary]

Another year since I joined this site. Another wedding anniversary (15). Another birthday next week (42). And everything still sucks just as bad as it did a year ago - or worse. My wife is crazy. My marriage is completely unfair and unbalanced. My career is in ruins. I can't lose weight no matter how much I fucking exercise. I feel all alone except for the one person who makes my life miserable as often as she makes it feel good. And I still can't even honestly express my feelings to her adequately.

[weary]

I don't want to be sitting here a year from now, two years from now, five years from now saying the same things -

Well, fuck.

[manuel_moe_g]

It sucks to be stuck in pain, but the pain is not so great as to prompt us to tear it all down. Because tearing it all down is a hell of a thing.

We know you are in pain, weary, and we feel for you.