YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I am so deeply craving physical affection (primarily non-sexual) and have been experiencing immense emotional fantasies. In our culture, it's really hard to find. I want to dissolve in someone else's arms, as we hold each other so tightly, gazing into each others' eyes. I fantasize about holding someone else, and feeling emotionally safe enough to cry; likewise, I fantasize about them falling into my arms and crying. I just envision the comforts of wearing fleece and warm cookies, and being able to fall asleep.

Is it feasible to find an emotionally safe space to experience the above?

Layla, I don't have that type of love in my life right now either, but I have in the past and I believe it still possible to find if we don't give up. You deserve love and comfort as much as anyone, so don't stop looking for that, whether it is with a romantic partner, friend, therapist, or support group. Sending you a big virtual hug!

Thank you i wonder if it's possible to find a non-romantic partner to share an experience like this one with. I don't have a romantic partner at this time, and I'm not sure that I would be able to handle a romantic relationship right now (I worry, if ever even).

I think it's very natural for us to have those longings of intimacy. I'm married to a loving husband, but I still have fantasies of being intimate with other people sometimes...! But I don't judge myself for that, because I think we all have a yearning for that "perfect" intimacy

Brooke, that is great that you don't judge yourself for it; I wouldn't even if I had a romantic partner who I were happy with. It's natural to desire it!

I think I am really craving non-sexual physical intimacy partly in coming to terms with some damaging stuff I experienced in a past relationship. I once named what I had experienced in this relationship the r- word and my therapist agreed when I told him what had happened. It's hard to even call it sexual abuse. I Have only very recently thought about how deeply this relationship has affected my psyche, and this relationship ended nearly five years ago already. For example, I feel triggered often by comments people make..it could be comments about my body, women in general, stances people take regarding cases of rape or other abuse in the media, etc. since that relationship, I have been in two relationships. One was a total "meninist", and the other was a decent guy who is quite a meninist (still too much of a meninist for me). The former partner has shamed me for my sexually abusive ex-partner's beyond inappropriate behaviors, has "fat"-shamed good friends of mine, and has made comments about my sexuality that I just felt ashamed about. That relationship degraded quickly, needless to say. At the time I may have "appeared" "crazy", "sensitive", and difficult but upon reflection, he probably deserved my seemingly "extreme" reactions. My most recent partner was a sweeter, more sensible guy, but a bit younger than me, naive, and seems to have been heavily conditioned regarding his ideas about race and gender by his fairly traditional/conservative upbringing and our society... Yet, when I reflect, some of his statements were very triggering for me (when he questions why a woman would stay with a physically abusive football star husband, and insinuating it was for the money, suggesting that women's appearance / dress is the reason they are sexually harassed on the street, and diminishing girls' need for sex education by asserting that boys need to be given additional sex education). There was some stuff he has said that personally triggered me, and I could not verbally communicate what my experience was and I instead felt physically sick. Of course, I feel emotionally triggered when men catcall and leer... It triggers the feelings of objectification, and feelings of being devalued as a human being.

All I want is another human being with a sweet, caring expression, gentle words, and a big heart to hold me and tell me they love me. I do not know anyone who I would feel emotionally safe and trusting enough with to share such an experience. I want to feel like a whole person again.

I've been craving that for years. Just someone I can melt into a warm hug with. Totally non-sexual. Just pure caring and even love.

I'm sometimes afraid that at my age (51) and with the state of my marriage (the Cold War), I'm never going to experience that.

Hi meh,
Have you experienced it before? I am amazed at how many people feel the same way I do. In the past few days, I have been feeling such intense longing to hold someone and be held. How can I find someone safe to experience that with, and not in a sexual way (I am afraid of being taken advantage of )?

I have experienced it before. But it was so fleeting and I wasn't really ready to be loved that way - if that makes sense. And I didn't have the emotional tools to return that love.

As far as the sex goes - I've been involuntarily celibate for a couple of years now. And in the past 20 years I've only been with my wife. With someone else I wouldn't even know where to start. It's been so long since I've had the loving variety of sex....

Now I just want a warm hug. And someone to say it will be OK even if it's not. And I'll say the same thing back. And then we'll have cookies.

I could really use one of these hugs today. Yesterday, my husband was working on our television and our cat was being a cat. Rubbing against his legs, getting behind the television. My husband was getting frustrated with the cat. I saw him go to kick the cat and yelled out "don't kick him!". I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I am currently in DBT group therapy. I decided to use my DBT skills to try to get my husband to understand why I yelled. I told him "when you kick him, it hurts my feelings". My husbands reply to me was "I don't give a shit". I know it will be YEARS before I can get over that.
By the way, my cat is 16 years old and already walks with a limp where I believe my husband or his brother (we live together with his brother), may have kicked him. I didn't witness it, but where my husband foot landed on the cat yesterday is right where he appears to be hurting. I hurt for me and I hurt for my cat.