City of Childhood
Posted: May 21st, 2017, 9:12 pm
I just did the most inner child thing by far I've ever done. It was super painful in a wonderful way. After 4 decades I returned to the city where I 'began.'
I flew there for 5 days; I guess, to grieve.
I basically just drove all the routes that were familiar to me. Visited my first classroom.
I would come upon places I'd forgotten were real, then see them and be lost in time, feeling like I'd been punched in the heart.
I'd be walking along, turn and see a view I hadn't seen for 40 years. The sweet, painful tears. Overwhelming sense memories. Usually over trees, or street corners, or distant hills.
Or just qualities in the air.
The view from the window in the children's section of the city library. I had imagined it countless times across a lifetime of hardships. Seeing it for real again felt like... survival?
But truly, I don't know what the feelings mean. Or how this visit reframes the trauma suffered there and since I left there. It was a lot. Too much for an adult's words. It kind of undid me.
And remade me? I was ready.
I flew there for 5 days; I guess, to grieve.
I basically just drove all the routes that were familiar to me. Visited my first classroom.
I would come upon places I'd forgotten were real, then see them and be lost in time, feeling like I'd been punched in the heart.
I'd be walking along, turn and see a view I hadn't seen for 40 years. The sweet, painful tears. Overwhelming sense memories. Usually over trees, or street corners, or distant hills.
Or just qualities in the air.
The view from the window in the children's section of the city library. I had imagined it countless times across a lifetime of hardships. Seeing it for real again felt like... survival?
But truly, I don't know what the feelings mean. Or how this visit reframes the trauma suffered there and since I left there. It was a lot. Too much for an adult's words. It kind of undid me.
And remade me? I was ready.