YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I don't actually feel like I deserve a hug. I know that I'm being too self-pitying, but I'm so lonely tonight and I miss so many people & places.

I miss my ex-husband even though it's been 17 years since he left me, and 12 years since he married the woman he left me for. I miss all the places we went together, including the beautiful little towns in the Pacific Northwest where I lived with him for half of my adult life. I miss my ex-boyfriend who ended things 2 years ago, and his parents who passed away around the same time that he left me. I miss the old cat that he abandoned with me that I had to euthanize in December. I miss my male therapist who I just saw two days ago (and I'm afraid that I'm too attached to him in ways that often feel painful). I miss the imaginary guy who my therapist says might be out there for me if I tried online dating, even though I don't believe he really exists and I'm too scared to try to find him. I often miss my family, coworkers, and the few friends I see occasionally, even when they are right there in the same room with me, because my depression makes me feel disconnected from them. I miss myself before this long depression set in, when I was more hopeful and didn't know that even if I reached out for help, I would still feel this bad and this alone this often. Even though I know I should practice mindfulness and live in the present, I miss the past every single day.

rivergirl

I'm sorry in advance for being bossy but, that's not self-pity; that's grief. And whoever gave you the notion that you must punish yourself for feeling it can go fuck themselves. Because a) it's keeping you endlessly stuck in it and b) you deserve to feel grief; to grieve for everything you've gone through. And c) punishing yourself for feeling some natural feelings that yes, have coincided with loss, won't fix past and won't prevent future loss. You'll know you're through the grief when you stop needing to shame yourself for having natural feelings of intense pain about the absence (or just distance) of people; and cats; in the past, present and future. I know I probably sound angry. I just strongly disagree; you're owed countless hugs.

Thank you for sharing. You are not alone.

I got up this morning wanting to delete my post right away, then saw it was too late for that. Thank you, Oak. Thank you, Beany, I'm very touched by your reply.

Sending you all the hugs, rivergirl, because you deserve them.

~ nj

P.S. Ending up in the NW is a dream for this gal - Manzanita, the San Juans . . . those are happy places, indeed.

Thank you, nj. I especially appreciate your kindness since I know how much you're struggling right now.