"Too Nice" at work, I am told.

[oak]

At my previous and current positions, I've been told: "Your problem is that you are too nice."

Professionally I don't consider myself a sucker or doormat; I've never ethically/morally crossed any lines, including out of "niceness".

But none of this is about professionalism, me doing my job. This is, I think, is about people mistaking niceness for weakness.

Let's say what they say (dumb and pointless as it is) is true: I am too nice. Bad Oak!

I also have a pretty solid resume: advanced degree, solid experience in a responsible position at a very reputable institution.

I taught myself web development: I can build a simple fully functional, modern site, including an online store ready to take payment, in 30 minutes.

I taught myself in demand skills of Excel: I know all about pivot tables.

Lastly, I've retained a lot of my high school Spanish, and used online tutorial to learn elementary Chinese.

And these good old boys and mean girls, who they love so much?

I have seen that they don't have masters degrees, and don't know a cPanel from a WordPress. They haven't spent some time on evenings/weekends/holidays on Spanish or Excel.

They're really good at recreating high school, which I graduated from in 1994, by being snarky to me.

Is 1994 still a thing?

Has anyone else experienced this?

[snoringdog]

Hello Oak,

"You're too nice...." Um....what the hell does that even mean? What's the context? What do they want?

(I'm a bit moody from day to day. Always try to be helpful, but no one would call me too nice)

And since you posted in this section.......here you go man -



Wishing you well!

SD

[Beany Boo]

Hi Oak,

What is your history with people pleasing?

How do you engage in conflict, especially against someone with power or authority?

What is it like when someone who meets your needs is angry with you? How do you fight? Fairly? Or is it ‘impossible’?

Yes, I have this experience

Add conflict engagement (not resolution per se) to that list of skills to develop.

Conflict is emotionally taxing for everyone.

If you can signal to your combatants that you’re skilled to fight fair and can defend yourself amidst strong feelings then you’ll have a highly developed and highly valued communication skill.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, I found this puzzling. I don't know you IRL, but you seem to have really good boundaries and good communication skills. Are they mistaking your manner, which I've found to be thoughtful and kind, with your actions?

I know at my work I had to be ridiculously firm to get the bully off my back. I had to call them on every little thing they said to me. It was exhausting, but it got them off my back in the end.

Maybe you could ask for examples, very specific ones.
Go easy on yourself this weekend. Their perceptions are influenced by their own insecurities.
Heather

[oak]

@SD: Thanks for your post! It made me smile on a difficult day. And yes, hug accepted.

@Beany Boo: So great to hear from you. Excellent questions. Thanks for the opportunity to challenge myself. And yes, the important word is to fight "fair": work bullies won't do it, so to keep my conscience clear I must be ready to fight fair (be honest and list my grievances) but tough (I give my notice) if they don't play fair.

@Heather Thanks so much for your post: it really helped clear my thinking. Since you used the word "bullying", then it gave me space/permission to use it myself. My situation is definitely unprofessional, and I can see the look of pure glee as they just start to bully me. I am really chilled to think about the joy they have on their faces when they give me a hard time. We all know work bullying only increases.

I've scripted (written out what I want to say) and am bookending here (sharing with friends before and after a difficult conversation; both of these skills I learned in my dear Debtors Anonymous.

I am ready to have The Talk with my supervisor.

While many bullies have excellent qualities, I hope they someday find healing. But that is not my job.

I've learned that walk away power is the only power we ordinary working people have. I have several alternate jobs possibilities lined up.

I'll let you know how this conversation goes!

[Beany Boo]

No problem Oak,

So what I read is that you’re going to level with your bullies, be honest and list your grievances with them. If they continue without changing how they treat you then you will give your notice. Is that accurate?

If you do that they might take responsibility for their behavior. That might take the pressure off you.

[Beany Boo]

I thought these might assist. They’re assertive communication techniques that were taught to me that have been proven to work. I can’t find these listed online so my memory of them will have to do.

Levelling: “When you do/say... I feel... and think...” This is a way of telling the other person, so this is what is really happening right now; let’s be honest.

Parroting: Paraphrasing what you just heard, to signal that you have just been listening. This is a way of putting the other person at greater ease before continuing.

Kitchen Sinking: When they are aggressively criticising, you step back and let them go for it, until they have finished talking altogether, and then you say, “Is there anything else you want to say (get off your chest)”. If nothing else this will exhaust them.

Sticking to the issue: When you want to talk about something that carries emotional charge, others will often evade the topic, by skipping to other issues. To get what you want it’s important to remain and keep returning to the issue you opened with. Every time you do they are more likely to hear what you are saying and address the issue you brought.

Broken record: This is a very effective technique. You get an unreasonable request. You give your preferred honest answer. The other person comes back and tries to persuade you out of it. You simply repeat your first answer with exactly the same wording, no change and no additional explanation. They may continue to push. You let them finish and you repeat your first answer, exactly as you gave it the first time. It usually takes 3 rounds like this. It feels aggressive initially but it’s just a way of asserting yourself and getting to that point really quickly. The beauty of being a broken record is that the meaning of your same response changes each time they push against it, until finally they either respect you or give up.

[Brooke]

Hi Oak,

Yeah, I don't know what they mean when they tell you "you're too nice." It's kind of insulting in a way... It's good that you don't consider yourself a sucker or a doormat.

WOW!! I am so impressed by your resume!! Maybe they are jealous...?

Personally, I've never been told that I was "too nice." But I think it's much better than other people thinking that you are rude / narcissistic / full of yourself (which, I sense that some people think of me that way...)

I mean, you've got all of the credentials, so let them be snarky and jealous!!

Brooke

[oak]

@Beany Boo: Thank you for the scripting! I will use this is in future conversations.

@Brooke: Thank you for your encouragement!

Yes, I have worked hard, and am grateful to have the means (time/money) to pick up skills.

Since I last posted, two things have happened:

1. I found out that whoops, my previous employer isn't interested in me going back to my old job after all.

2. Ergo, unless things get worse, I'll grit my teeth and stick this our for another 3-6 months so I can build my resume (after 3-6 months I'll have a pretty solid resume; at this moment I don't have enough time in). If I can hold on until May 1 I'll be in good to very good shape, professionally.

Because of that, I've committed to self care, to hopefully mitigate or avoid some of the coming emotional meltdowns I see in my future: avoid HALT by eating more often during the day, exercise, using my lightbox.

Though May 1 seems a long way off, I've made a note in my calendar to post here again, then, with an update. Wish me luck!

[oak]

Update

A week ago, not an hour after turning down two job offers, I saw my position posted. As in, no doubt, definitely, can't be mistaken, my position.

I have good reason to believe, that I need not get into here, that I'll be let go in the next two weeks.

While that is a downer, especially considering this coming flu and its attendant coming chaos/anxiety, I do have actions I can take today.

I'll post here in the coming days/week with updates.

Thanks for letting me use my words. I am only as sick as my secrets!