YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

It is hard to admit this. But, I need someone to actually listen to me. I am trying my best to deal with the depression i have felt for decades now. I can't seem to do it alone anymore. I wish my fiance' could understand it better. I don't think she quite gets why I am so down all the time. I have been having suicidal thoughts for a while now. I am sure my fiance' would like to blame the concussion i have from a fall about a month ago. I find myself being more angry at the world and more disgusted with who I am. Little things make me angrier than I can rationalize and even the thoughts of how I am never going to be worth a damn creep in when I am angry. Before I continue, no i did not seek medical attention for the concussion, I can't afford it and have no health insurance.
Lately though I find myself ever wondering why I am alive and what the fuck did I do wrong to get the fuzzy end of the lollipop in life. I am not nor ever have been a self harming person but lately the idea of slitting my own throat or just opening a vein is appealing. I shared my past with my fiance' a while back but she acted as if it was no big deal. I feel unappreciated even by her for anything I do. Work is the same thing, and I fear even asking for time off, since I know they could easily replace me. I numb my mind by working 6 days a week and trying to not deal with the reality that in truth my life is a miserable existence. The little joy i actually get is from video games. I play to emerge myself in the story and to feel a sense of accomplishment when I beat one. Pretty sad that the only glimmer of light i find is knowing that out there somewhere might be someone who will understand me. No fear of me killing myself this morning, just self loathing and hatred of being around another day, suicide would be too much to leave on people's psyche'. I am not sure anyone is listening at this point but if you are. A kindly thank you for allowing me to vent a bit. Hug? maybe I could use one but what I really need is someone who won't judge me when I break down.

Joe... AKA IceLupus

First off, I want to say that it saddens me to no end that despite working 6 days a week, you still don’t have health insurance. I certainly don’t want to go on a rant about our nation’s health care, but since your concussion could very well be contributing to your current state of mind, I think our system is criminally negligent at best for preventing you from seeing medical attention. Moving on…

I know what it’s like to be with a partner that does not have nor understand mental illness. You’re not a bad person for what you are struggling with, nor is she a bad person for not having the personal experience to relate. I think it’s important to recognize her limitations in this instance doesn’t undermine her love for and importance to you. It just means you are going to have to seek out support elsewhere; ideally that would be in the form of a therapist.

I urge you to seek professional help. There must be someone in your area that works on a sliding scale. It’s tempting to balk at the initial cost of treatment, but often times the price you’d pay for untreated mental illness is far worse. Good luck.

Hugs to you, IceLupus.

I read your post, and I honor your pain, and I want you to know that you do not deserve to feel such pain and suffering.

Please, use this forum as a resource, because people are on the forum who care and who are thoughtful and responsive.

Keep in mind that it is always darkest before it goes completely black! If it gets _worse_, we at the forum will be here.

Please take care, all the best, we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

Dr. CatPants,
I wish I could find a sliding scale that would take me. I make just a little more than what is needed to pay a lower price. On average the cost per hour session with a therapist or psychologist is anywhere from $200-300 an hour. Since I make just above what I need to make to get state health care or afford a sliding scale therapist they require I pay full price. It kind of sucks ass but eh I am use to disappointments. I have found that venting my frustrations instead of holding them in and talking about what is bothering me helps. I thank you for understanding and as always I am grateful for any input into my situation.

Joe..Aka IceLupus

Hugs Icelupus.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

Sending you a nice warm hug IceLupus.

I hope you realize you are not alone in spirit.
Paul

Have you tried sitting down with your fiancee for a serious talk? I mean a real "here's what's happening" talk? If she plans to spend her life with you, she needs to know what is going on. Tell her how you're feeling and that you need support! You need to know if this woman will be there for you! Can she help a little with money to get you to therapy?

Your profile says you live in Connecticut; are you near Hartford? I found this: http://www.ctvip.org/?page_id=96 , which seems to be therapy in exchange for volunteer work.

I hope this helps!