Hugs would be super
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 2:07 pm
I am feeling so useless today, and I feel so lame and pathetic for complaining. I feel like I always come here to complain and like I'm just a leech and useless, and the only things I can tell other people is just more shit that happened to me, and then it's like all I do it talk about myself, how lame is that.
But I think the worst thing, is that I have ridiculous social anxiety, and when I'm around people I get so anxious and so annoyed. And I told my psychiatrist that it's dumb to be so anxious about being around people and what they think because I get so agitated by people and a lot of people are so dumb. And my psychiatrist told me that I get agitated and annoyed at people because I care what they think and because I want them to like me, so. It's pretty dumb. I want people to like me, but I get anxious and avoid them, so I am lonely. I cannot hold friendships, I am so jealous of people with proper, close friends, because I can't open myself up to people and I'm just boring to be around because I can't do anything or talk about anything or express my feelings and opinions to other people because I'm afraid of what they'll think, or I just get completely anxious and stop answering their phone calls and eventually they give up and move on. I cannot tell you how many friends I have lost who I was so close to because I just starting avoiding them. I want to be the person to reject the other person first, you know? And whenever people try to poke me or get my attention, I just feel aggravated, like, "what do you think you're doing? i don't have the energy to go through this," but I still want them to. I want people to want to talk to me and I want to matter to people, but I'm a coward. If I didn't want to be around people, why would I feel so lonely? Maybe my dream is that one day I will push someone away and they will refuse to leave, but if that happened, I'd probably only end up annoyed that I didn't have any space and I would feel suffocated and lock myself in my room and continue to be a useless, horrible friendless friend. I don't think I'd really want that. What a horrible, selfish dream. I don't really know what I want from people.
I guess my mind is indecisive. Sorry for the rambling and talking about myself again and being a downer and being selfish and being needy and things, feel free to ignore me.
But I think a hug would be nice, also. I wish I let my friends actually get close to me and then we could hug and be honest, too.
But I think the worst thing, is that I have ridiculous social anxiety, and when I'm around people I get so anxious and so annoyed. And I told my psychiatrist that it's dumb to be so anxious about being around people and what they think because I get so agitated by people and a lot of people are so dumb. And my psychiatrist told me that I get agitated and annoyed at people because I care what they think and because I want them to like me, so. It's pretty dumb. I want people to like me, but I get anxious and avoid them, so I am lonely. I cannot hold friendships, I am so jealous of people with proper, close friends, because I can't open myself up to people and I'm just boring to be around because I can't do anything or talk about anything or express my feelings and opinions to other people because I'm afraid of what they'll think, or I just get completely anxious and stop answering their phone calls and eventually they give up and move on. I cannot tell you how many friends I have lost who I was so close to because I just starting avoiding them. I want to be the person to reject the other person first, you know? And whenever people try to poke me or get my attention, I just feel aggravated, like, "what do you think you're doing? i don't have the energy to go through this," but I still want them to. I want people to want to talk to me and I want to matter to people, but I'm a coward. If I didn't want to be around people, why would I feel so lonely? Maybe my dream is that one day I will push someone away and they will refuse to leave, but if that happened, I'd probably only end up annoyed that I didn't have any space and I would feel suffocated and lock myself in my room and continue to be a useless, horrible friendless friend. I don't think I'd really want that. What a horrible, selfish dream. I don't really know what I want from people.
I guess my mind is indecisive. Sorry for the rambling and talking about myself again and being a downer and being selfish and being needy and things, feel free to ignore me.
But I think a hug would be nice, also. I wish I let my friends actually get close to me and then we could hug and be honest, too.
