Anniversaries
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 8:26 am
I just realized the other day that it was the one-year anniversary of me first joining this site. I took the occasion (unadvisable!) to go back through and read my posts. It was nice to recapture the feelings of warmth and acceptance and understanding that rush through upon reading a thoughtful and empathetic and compassionate response from someone. On the other hand, it sucks to feel like I am still bitching and venting about the same things over and over again, that I have managed to stay stuck in the same patterns, that I am still struggling with all of the same things except for the ones that have gotten worse.
That feeling of time passing by and things not getting better is the thing that depresses me the most. I'm so tired of struggling and waiting for change that I worry is never going to come. I hate this time of year - in addition to the anniversary of joining the site, I have a wedding anniversary coming, followed by a birthday, followed by the beginning of a new academic year. All milestones at which I can look back and say - I can't believe I am still dealing with the shit that I couldn't stand anymore a year ago, two years ago, five years ago. I can't believe how little I have accomplished in the past year.
.If you have read any of my posts you know that I am struggling on many fronts, and I want and need some basic things out of life and other people that I don't think are unreasonable. I don't think I'm entitled to everything I want; I don't think I shouldn't have to work for things - I do. I work. I struggle. I work on myself. I do what I think I'm supposed to. I try to help others - and bend over backwards sometimes. I don't know why I keep doing it if I never feel like I'm getting enough back.
I'm tired. I'm scared of things never getting better but too scared to make dramatic changes that might be the only way to break out of the rut. I don't want to be sitting here a year from now, two years from now, five years from now saying the same things - that I am tired of waiting for my wife to get her shit together, that I am frustrated that I don't feel like my home is a safe, relaxing, comfortable place, that I am scared that my whole career will amount to nothing and I have no backup plan. I know that I need to focus on myself and my needs and understand the actions that I need to take to fulfill them and the mental obstacles, obsessions, rules, guilt that keep me stuck. It's just really hard to do in the context of so much instability and chaos and stress and real situations that are scary.
I might have posted this in the wrong thread, because I don't know if a hug is what I need. It's actually a little bit of a trigger, because sometimes I tense up and don't really want to accept a hug from my wife anymore. Because it feels like that's all she ever has to offer and she thinks it should be enough. I guess it used to be enough but it's not anymore. Or maybe it was never enough. I don't know. All I know is that hugs don't solve problems on their own. Doesn't mean I don't want one. I guess I don't really know what I need from other people, in terms of empathy, support, understanding, tough love, help, ego boosting, validation, whatever.
That feeling of time passing by and things not getting better is the thing that depresses me the most. I'm so tired of struggling and waiting for change that I worry is never going to come. I hate this time of year - in addition to the anniversary of joining the site, I have a wedding anniversary coming, followed by a birthday, followed by the beginning of a new academic year. All milestones at which I can look back and say - I can't believe I am still dealing with the shit that I couldn't stand anymore a year ago, two years ago, five years ago. I can't believe how little I have accomplished in the past year.
.If you have read any of my posts you know that I am struggling on many fronts, and I want and need some basic things out of life and other people that I don't think are unreasonable. I don't think I'm entitled to everything I want; I don't think I shouldn't have to work for things - I do. I work. I struggle. I work on myself. I do what I think I'm supposed to. I try to help others - and bend over backwards sometimes. I don't know why I keep doing it if I never feel like I'm getting enough back.
I'm tired. I'm scared of things never getting better but too scared to make dramatic changes that might be the only way to break out of the rut. I don't want to be sitting here a year from now, two years from now, five years from now saying the same things - that I am tired of waiting for my wife to get her shit together, that I am frustrated that I don't feel like my home is a safe, relaxing, comfortable place, that I am scared that my whole career will amount to nothing and I have no backup plan. I know that I need to focus on myself and my needs and understand the actions that I need to take to fulfill them and the mental obstacles, obsessions, rules, guilt that keep me stuck. It's just really hard to do in the context of so much instability and chaos and stress and real situations that are scary.
I might have posted this in the wrong thread, because I don't know if a hug is what I need. It's actually a little bit of a trigger, because sometimes I tense up and don't really want to accept a hug from my wife anymore. Because it feels like that's all she ever has to offer and she thinks it should be enough. I guess it used to be enough but it's not anymore. Or maybe it was never enough. I don't know. All I know is that hugs don't solve problems on their own. Doesn't mean I don't want one. I guess I don't really know what I need from other people, in terms of empathy, support, understanding, tough love, help, ego boosting, validation, whatever.
