Non-romantic Curl on the Couch type of Hug
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 1:27 am
Ever since I got out of the hospital, I just have this reoccurring want. I would love to just curl up on a couch with someone, watching tv, and have them put their arm around me. Have them draw me in, close, until I feel the warmth of their body against mine. It wouldn’t be romantic. Just…comfortable. We wouldn’t be focused on each other. With their arm around my shoulder I would feel safe…of worth. Valued. Like…I’m not so horrible. Comforted. Reassured. It would be a physical representation that everything is going to be alright. Just the idea that someone would want to touch me…would want to hold me without wanting anything in return, or with out me feeling self conscious or too needy is so wonderful it’s painful. I wouldn’t pull away. I wouldn’t deny myself it. I wouldn’t accept it for a few seconds, and then feel like I was asking and taking too much and force myself out of the embrace. I would just sit in that space...relishing the physical contact and comfort of another human being. Someone who was willing to touch me…and that I felt comfortable enough “taking from” that I let them touch me. I keep getting flashes of this image in my mind though out the day, and I have these dream where random friends/ old teachers/ mentors will put their arms around my shoulder and just sit with me. Just be in that space…and not speak. I don’t have to justify wanting a hug, or explain my self, or even have some huge reason that I need one. Just receiving one because it is a display of connection. Of affection. Of acceptance. Because it would be wonderful to experience acceptance and comfort on that level and have no one feel awkward about it. But there isn’t really anyone in my life I can ask or expect to fulfill this, and that hurts. I so want this, but can’t ask it of anyone. After all, that kind of closeness is reserved for romantically involved couples, right? And asking someone to touch me…admitting that I want the reassurance of non-romantic physical contact makes me appear so weak and frail. I wish I could kill that little voice in my head that constantly screams that “I don’t deserve it.” Or that such desires are confirmations of weakness. It constantly reminds me that I have to be self sufficient, and asking someone for physical contact is anything but. I wish it would just shut the hell up.