YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Today is Chicago's Out of the Darkness Walk/Fundraiser for the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention.
I am registered to walk, ready to go but sitting here writing because I am unprepared for and overwhelmed by all the pain and memories this has stirred up about my guy's suicide.
I signed up months ago, felt so positive and yet, all week, I have been fighting tears, panic attacks, evading emotions.
I am scared of what I will feel, I am scared of seeing everyone else's raw pain that mimics what I hide inside....

and I am walking alone. Which highlights my loss of my best friend/partner of 8 years.
His family barred me from the funeral after years of holidays/vacations/dinners etc (because it was "my fault")
but all the same, this week I sent one email (after much internal debate) to his cousin to let them know I am walking if they wished to honor him. Nothing. Not a dollar contributed.

And I know my anger at them is really at having to do this...in the first place - walk for suicide and the whole how could you DO this????? and t them for being bitter blaming people before this happened and creating a broken hearted shame in my partner from childhood

still, I am surprised how much it hurt....
and my suicide support group was going to walk as a team, and I formed it but some backed out, and 3 of the group had the whole family form family teams (one is in top fundraisers - they are amazing) but its weird....I have no one to walk with and its just ....harder than I expected to walk out that door. Face the world. Face what happened.

but off I go...
I do being helpful so much better than needing help/asking....

I encourage you to go.

Sometimes it helps me to have my first goal just to walk outside. Thats all.
Then my next goal is simply to get into my car. If I make it that far, it is further than I started.
then to start the car is my next optional step.
that process is useful for me.

Of course the worth and value of you, and your honor for your friend are independent of the fact if you go or not.

Still, I gently encourage you to take a public stand. Today.

Thank you, Oak. I went as soon as I had posted....
I was the person with tears on the blue line
and I was the person with tears on the orange line
and I was the person running to get there before checkin closed
but I did the whole walk, and once there, I was fine. Seeing how many people turned out to love and honor their lost loved ones was both helpful and so sad - babies and grandmas walked, solo walkers and huge teams with colored t-shirts.
It was a beautiful day on Lake Michigan and all I could think of was, how much better when these walks will be unnecessary