I feel like I must be in a different reality
Posted: November 26th, 2013, 11:31 am
My best friend and I were as close as I thought two people could be for the entire time we knew each other, up until the past few months. I've tried to express to her numerous times that it bothers me, but we never come to a concrete conclusion (for lack of a better phrase) or a spot where either of us seem to feel on the same page. Mostly I feel really hurt because I feel used by her. I've tried expressing this to her and she gets super defensive and all but attacks me. I don't want to have arguments with her anymore because that damages the relationship, and she's agreed. But I still feel really hurt and for the past few weeks have felt like I just don't know how to assuage that feeling, because when I try to talk to her, we argue about it, but if I don't say anything, I feel awful. So over the past few weeks I've come to realize that maybe I didn't know her as well as I thought and maybe she just doesn't like me anymore, as hard as that is for me to swallow and believe. So I sent her a message last night saying that she's breaking my heart and I guess I just need to stick up for myself and move on if this is going to be the case. I didn't mean that passive-aggressively and wasn't trying to lure her into anything, and it actually felt really good to finally stand up for myself, but I can't say that a part of me didn't at least hope that wouldn't be the end of it. But her response was basically "Well, too bad, so sad, sorry it didn't work out, have a nice life" where I can tell she's almost waiting for me to cave and admit I'm crazy and that it's my fault etc.. But that's the type of thing that pisses me off and makes me want to stand up for myself AGAINST her. So I replied explaining why I'm unhappy and how I feel hurt by her actions, and that I don't know how to have a productive conversation about any of it with her so I guess this is the point where I should just move on. I then asked if she wants to discuss this, to do it in person, and turned off my messages (probably unfair because I started the messaging, but she never responds when I try to get ahold of her otherwise).
On the one hand, I know intellectually that if all of my fears are true and I've felt hurt because she has specifically done all of those things to hurt me, then she doesn't deserve my friendship and I should be happy I recognized it sooner than later. On its own, that's tremendously difficult for me to swallow and process because we would often joke about being old and still being best friends, we were that close. That makes me feel like, on the other hand, it just feels unreal that I could actually misjudge someone so badly and that this can't be really what's happening, and like I'm missing something.
I suppose I am adjusting and that's why I feel so panicked and like I need a hug right now--I'm used to ignoring my own needs and scrambling to try and please others so that they'll like me, and I finally decided to stand up for myself. That's an odd feeling in and of itself, and it's really hard to feel good about when I know it might result in some really painful feelings, irrespective of how good it might be for me in the long run.
Ugh.
On the one hand, I know intellectually that if all of my fears are true and I've felt hurt because she has specifically done all of those things to hurt me, then she doesn't deserve my friendship and I should be happy I recognized it sooner than later. On its own, that's tremendously difficult for me to swallow and process because we would often joke about being old and still being best friends, we were that close. That makes me feel like, on the other hand, it just feels unreal that I could actually misjudge someone so badly and that this can't be really what's happening, and like I'm missing something.
I suppose I am adjusting and that's why I feel so panicked and like I need a hug right now--I'm used to ignoring my own needs and scrambling to try and please others so that they'll like me, and I finally decided to stand up for myself. That's an odd feeling in and of itself, and it's really hard to feel good about when I know it might result in some really painful feelings, irrespective of how good it might be for me in the long run.
Ugh.