Stood up for myself today, but would appreciate hugs . . .
Posted: February 8th, 2014, 1:21 am
Stood up for myself today. I see clients hourly and over the years have developed policies for my clients that
1. Allows them to get the best results, which requires a commitment and effort ("homework") on their part, making up missed sessions, taking a certain number of sessions every month, being on time, being prepared to work, etc.
2. Protects me and my sense of self-respect, like honoring my policies, paying on time, actively participating (I don't just do this work to get paid -- it's collaborative!). Regular sessions are for me as well, because it's just too damn hard to get results from clients that don't come on a regular basis, and I don't want to feel like I have to be a magician for those lazy, cheap-ass folks who live in fantasy land and think that a few sessions are a magic pill. WheW! There, I said it!!!
I help my clients develop good homework and session habits, but occasionally I run into someone who is incredibly resistant. Thus, this post.
I have been working with someone for the past year and a half, and they have managed to flaunt my policies over and over. I have nudged and pushed this person over time, but they have for the most part, remained extremely stubborn and non-changing, although there have been periods of improvement. What really has bothered me is that they won't do the homework like I ask, they won't see me on a regular basis, they won't do makeup sessions, and they are very resistant to a slight price increase, although they pay the lowest rate of anyone in my business. Recently, I wrote several very nice emails stating that going forward, the makeups sessions would have to be done by May (from 8 months ago!!), and the price would go up in March. I made it known that I hadn't raised their rate in over a year and a half due to their financial constrictions, even though I raise everyone's rate each year, so they were due for a raise anyway.
This person is always complaining that they don't have any money due to their visa and being unable to work a "normal" job, but somehow they have thousands of dollars to spend on other projects they are doing, and they've flown internationally twice this year (their original home is on another continent very very far away).
My one big bugaboo with any client is someone saying they can't afford to have regular sessions and then I see them spend their money on other big ticket things. I was pretty sure that putting my foot down was going to result in this person quitting, which they did, but the conversation was upsetting anyway. I told my client that my policy needs to be the same for everyone, that I can't make an exception, because it isn't fair to my other clients. What I found really shocking was my client's response of "I don't care about your other clients! Why do you keep talking about them? You should just work with me and what I can afford." REALLY????? Jeez!!! I know at this late date that there are lots of very fucked up people out there, but what the fuck?? And then they hung up on me. Whatever.
Another statement in an email: "Secondly, I do not appreciate being compared to other clients who work "very hard" as you have no idea of what I do with my time and the sacrifices I have made to be where I am."
My client obviously has an idea that my other clients sit around eating bonbons or something. As I write this, I am realizing that all along this client has never given the work we do together the respect, commitment, time and importance it deserves. They have put other aspects of their goals above our work, and in my line of work, that is a HUGE mistake! They have viewed our work as a kind of "dropping in for a tune up", and the work I do just doesn't work that way at all. I've been trying to teach them that this perspective has to change -- usually clients new to this work have to learn that -- but it never really sank in.
ANd every time the lack of commitment came up, I always felt like my client was playing the role of the little naughty child, instead of a serious adult paying for a service.
It was also interesting to hear the words of dependence from my client in our phone call -- as if all the flexibility should be coming from me, if I "cared about her, I wouldn't make these demands on her". And there was this statement in an email:
"Either you can work with me on my terms at the moment, or not, there is really nothing I can do about it."
And then, of course, when I said in the phone call: "Look, take some time off, and come back if you decide you want to work with me again. And if not, perhaps it's time for a change." Shit, did they got PISSED! They have BIG project coming up and THEY NEED ME RIGHT NOW! I knew that would hit home. HAHAHA! People never suspect that you are going to give them an ultimatum. They are used to being the ones giving ultimatums. Shit, I don't need your money that bad -- and that's what I mean by maintaining and protecting my self-respect. This is MY business, and if you don't like it look somewhere else (good luck with that -- I'm EXTREMELY good at what I do, and it's EXTREMELY hard to find someone who can do what I do).
I also find it really interesting (and annoying) when people keep arguing the same things over and over which have already been explained to them over and over -- which happened here. This person definitely has some personality issues-- hyper anxiety shit, but for the most part has been pleasant enough, just 70% of the time wouldn't do the work, and we had to have the same conversation over and over about it. Really boring and annoying. And despite my emails, they kept arguing the same shit over and over that I had already explained.
I also refused to work with this person again until we spoke on the phone regarding the emails, because I didn't want to have the argument in my work space during a session -- so I protected myself in that way as well.
So I get it, this is what happens, this client is one of the last of the "bad" clients -- everyone else is on board with my policies and doesn't argue, which is great. I just don't like the feeling left in my body of having an argument with someone -- feels like shit. But I'm glad I had a chance to vent my feelings here.
1. Allows them to get the best results, which requires a commitment and effort ("homework") on their part, making up missed sessions, taking a certain number of sessions every month, being on time, being prepared to work, etc.
2. Protects me and my sense of self-respect, like honoring my policies, paying on time, actively participating (I don't just do this work to get paid -- it's collaborative!). Regular sessions are for me as well, because it's just too damn hard to get results from clients that don't come on a regular basis, and I don't want to feel like I have to be a magician for those lazy, cheap-ass folks who live in fantasy land and think that a few sessions are a magic pill. WheW! There, I said it!!!
I help my clients develop good homework and session habits, but occasionally I run into someone who is incredibly resistant. Thus, this post.
I have been working with someone for the past year and a half, and they have managed to flaunt my policies over and over. I have nudged and pushed this person over time, but they have for the most part, remained extremely stubborn and non-changing, although there have been periods of improvement. What really has bothered me is that they won't do the homework like I ask, they won't see me on a regular basis, they won't do makeup sessions, and they are very resistant to a slight price increase, although they pay the lowest rate of anyone in my business. Recently, I wrote several very nice emails stating that going forward, the makeups sessions would have to be done by May (from 8 months ago!!), and the price would go up in March. I made it known that I hadn't raised their rate in over a year and a half due to their financial constrictions, even though I raise everyone's rate each year, so they were due for a raise anyway.
This person is always complaining that they don't have any money due to their visa and being unable to work a "normal" job, but somehow they have thousands of dollars to spend on other projects they are doing, and they've flown internationally twice this year (their original home is on another continent very very far away).
My one big bugaboo with any client is someone saying they can't afford to have regular sessions and then I see them spend their money on other big ticket things. I was pretty sure that putting my foot down was going to result in this person quitting, which they did, but the conversation was upsetting anyway. I told my client that my policy needs to be the same for everyone, that I can't make an exception, because it isn't fair to my other clients. What I found really shocking was my client's response of "I don't care about your other clients! Why do you keep talking about them? You should just work with me and what I can afford." REALLY????? Jeez!!! I know at this late date that there are lots of very fucked up people out there, but what the fuck?? And then they hung up on me. Whatever.
Another statement in an email: "Secondly, I do not appreciate being compared to other clients who work "very hard" as you have no idea of what I do with my time and the sacrifices I have made to be where I am."
My client obviously has an idea that my other clients sit around eating bonbons or something. As I write this, I am realizing that all along this client has never given the work we do together the respect, commitment, time and importance it deserves. They have put other aspects of their goals above our work, and in my line of work, that is a HUGE mistake! They have viewed our work as a kind of "dropping in for a tune up", and the work I do just doesn't work that way at all. I've been trying to teach them that this perspective has to change -- usually clients new to this work have to learn that -- but it never really sank in.
ANd every time the lack of commitment came up, I always felt like my client was playing the role of the little naughty child, instead of a serious adult paying for a service.
It was also interesting to hear the words of dependence from my client in our phone call -- as if all the flexibility should be coming from me, if I "cared about her, I wouldn't make these demands on her". And there was this statement in an email:
"Either you can work with me on my terms at the moment, or not, there is really nothing I can do about it."
And then, of course, when I said in the phone call: "Look, take some time off, and come back if you decide you want to work with me again. And if not, perhaps it's time for a change." Shit, did they got PISSED! They have BIG project coming up and THEY NEED ME RIGHT NOW! I knew that would hit home. HAHAHA! People never suspect that you are going to give them an ultimatum. They are used to being the ones giving ultimatums. Shit, I don't need your money that bad -- and that's what I mean by maintaining and protecting my self-respect. This is MY business, and if you don't like it look somewhere else (good luck with that -- I'm EXTREMELY good at what I do, and it's EXTREMELY hard to find someone who can do what I do).
I also find it really interesting (and annoying) when people keep arguing the same things over and over which have already been explained to them over and over -- which happened here. This person definitely has some personality issues-- hyper anxiety shit, but for the most part has been pleasant enough, just 70% of the time wouldn't do the work, and we had to have the same conversation over and over about it. Really boring and annoying. And despite my emails, they kept arguing the same shit over and over that I had already explained.
I also refused to work with this person again until we spoke on the phone regarding the emails, because I didn't want to have the argument in my work space during a session -- so I protected myself in that way as well.
So I get it, this is what happens, this client is one of the last of the "bad" clients -- everyone else is on board with my policies and doesn't argue, which is great. I just don't like the feeling left in my body of having an argument with someone -- feels like shit. But I'm glad I had a chance to vent my feelings here.
