so scared of how badly i feel

[WiltedRose]

posting here. not particularly verbose.. verging on non functional so hard to type and make sense. I don't even like touch. But to say I really need a hug seems fitting. It's been some number of years that I' felt so awful. Depression seems to have reared it's ugly head - anxiety always a big component. ED relapse and OCD behavior escalation to help moderate the depression,etc. JUST really SCARED . I have to much to lose if this continues. I am so afraid I am soon not going to be able to work. And I need my job for my health insurance/ to keep my house/ and my animals (they are all I have that matter to me). I'm so depressed/anxious I want to curl up in a ball and not function. But then I get anxious if I'm not moving so I have to exercise. Which is not helping my ED and low weight. Docs are playing with meds. No help yet. I am so scared. So freaking scared that this will not goo away and I will be this way... until I have a full breakdoown or something rendering me nonfunctional. thanks if anyone read this mess of words.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, WiltedRose. You will have a better tomorrow. There are just too many techniques and remedies for depression for you to stay in this low state forever - there is something out there to help you. Please please take care.

[WiltedRose]

Thank you Manual moe. (can I just call you Moe? I don't know why I stupidly posted that twice. :/ Your words are reassuraning.. Hard times lately. lots of transitions and so many med changes which i think are making me crazier. ugh. But I am trying to use healthy skills i know and reaching out.... and have some support people i know 'i can always rely on , just hard when in the midst of panic/wanting to crawl out of my skin to remember how to get through! thank you again. for reading!!!!

[brave-girl-living]

I know all those feels WiltedRose, I know how overwhelming it can be and the panic of relapsing and losing everything. Stay strong and keep reaching out!

[WiltedRose]

thank you . still really hurting struggling etc. everything and so scared. like clockwork every afternoon I begin to escalate . can't take much more tho my docs are trying hard to get meds adjuststed

[WiltedRose]

just adding to same thread ... partly in hopes no one reads my ongoing hopeless words. Still the struggle continues. I don't think i wrote it previously, but as of about 2 weeks now (after passing out at work due to my eating disorder issues), I have not been medically cleared to resume work. I am on FMLA... (something I had never heard about but it protects my job and fortunately I had like 8 weeks of vacation time accrued which is paying my days off now.). I only work three days a week (14 hour shifts in a busy specialty Veterinary hosp). I always work weekends and one week day. I am dying to go back to work. My medical complications are being addressed, but it's so hard. this is normally my favorite time of year - just spring, the weather, the sun returning - and I feel like i'm living in hell. I hope my meds soon get regulated enough that I am a little more stable and not such a semi-suicidal mess. I have no active suicidal ideations, just so darned tired. But I have my sweet animals who keep me going. They need me. I need them. and I DO have support people all around me - and a great tx team. If I would just utilize them ... I feel like such a loser being out of work/ on medical leave. When I feel my sickness is not legit. I have a severe eating disorder driven by anxiety/ocd/depression. But it's not like a have two broken legs or cancer. I'd rather have something that dramatic to make me feel more justified in not being able to work. (I feel I can work, it's my docs who won't let allow it until some things stabilize). If anyone even read this... thank you. ANd thank you for previous kind words. And Hopefully next time I update this thread it will be a little less .... depressing. I value this forum though I mainly lurk/ read without responding. ANd Paul's podcast is the best. I go back and listen to old episodes sometimes just to see what knew things i can pick up on and think about - and take to my next therapy session as fodder. This is a good safe place and i am so grateful to Paul and those who have worked with him to keep it going!
Wilted Rose

[manuel_moe_g]

But I have my sweet animals who keep me going. They need me. I need them. and I DO have support people all around me

Awesome!

I have a severe eating disorder driven by anxiety/ocd/depression. But it's not like a have two broken legs or cancer. I'd rather have something that dramatic to make me feel more justified in not being able to work.

Please know that mental illness is NOT just a 2nd tier illness. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

All the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[WiltedRose]

Thank you Manual_Moe

[WiltedRose]

update. pain. no end in sight? a lot of stress in last week. conjuring up grief. hurts. still not medicallly cleared to return to work. still trying to not lose hope

[manuel_moe_g]

Please don't lose hope, WiltedRose. Please see that the large part of your burden is you being too hard on yourself. We here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow. Please know we are sending you peace to replace your pain.