YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

My father never stuck around the house on his days off. I recall one Sunday when I was 14 or 15. We had an ice storm hit overnight. My mother was parked at the end of the driveway and had to work and she managed to get out. My father's truck was stuck in the ice. He didn't have to work that day. I remember it was Super Bowl Sunday. My father kept going outside and chipping away at the ice and then coming back in to warm up. He kept singing "wasted days and wasted nights" to himself. He was visibly frustrated and almost angry about the situation. Finally, after hours of work he got his truck unstuck. He was joyous and took off. I was a young teen just looking forward to watching a football game and thinking it might actually be nice to watch it with my father. Instead I came to realize just how much my father hated spending time with me that day. It was like something died inside me that day.

Thanks for sharing.

Yes, I can see how that would make part of your soul die. That is heartbreaking.

They say we are only as sick as our secrets, and you got that out. I hope you can find some healing moving forward.

That is so very sad thank you for sharing

They say we are only as sick as our secrets, and you got that out.

Never heard that before, love it.

Ok...a really small moment here. And the only reason I'm writing this is because my reaction was so startling, it made me laugh. I only recently became aware of, and started listening to, the Mental Happy Hour podcast. I decided to start with some listeners' faves. I listened to one where a fellow comedian was interviewed. I honestly don't recall the guy's name, and I am too lazy to go look it up. But, I was listening along and being justifiably entertained when, out of seemingly nowhere, it came out that the interviewee is gay. My reaction to that information surprised me. I am a relatively happily married 59-yr old woman, and when I heard the guy was gay, I felt this overwhelming sense of rejection. Like, "Man, he's never going to be sexually interested in me." Which is absurd. Like, were he hetero he'd be knocking down my door or something. Probably more like, "And that's another dude who will never do a double-take." Double-takes happen less and less these days. That's natural enough, I suppose. It was just an odd reaction to have, wasn't it?

This was a small moment, and I did warn you.

@Deborah - thanks for the smile. I know what you mean about increasingly infrequent double takes, but there's a freedom in that too.

@brownblob: Hugs. "Wasted days and wasted nights" indeed, on your father's part: how much love he let go by the board.

In therapy I'm starting to realize how much I was visible to my parents only in my imperfections. I know my mother loved me and I am missing her today, but too often I was just left alone to my own devices.

For Valentine's Day I'm making cioppino for myself and cappuccino cookies for a support group meeting tonight. Got some cleaning done too since it is bitter cold outside and nothing better to do. Small moments all!!