YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

My childhood is the story of two different little girls. I was a gregarious, social, friendly, outgoing little girl. I loved talking to people and i had a habit of hugging strangers i think because i knew it made them happy. (I lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone. They were strangers to me but my mom knew everyone ).

When i was 8 my father died. He had melanoma. It spread to his blood stream. He faded pretty fast. I just shut down. I really could not process what happened and i think that i have been in a depressed disassociated state ever since.

I think about my dad a lot. I wonder how things would be different if he had lived.

I think a lot of my trauma would be gone. That was a truly defining moment.

Ive been trying to fill that hole in my heart and it just has not mended.

Imissmysun

Good morning

My dad died about 6 years ago. In the end, it was a relief because he was toxic by then.

But.

He ‘went away’ around the same time as your’s did, when I was 10 years old. He disappeared into alcoholism.

I didn’t mourn for him after his funeral. My feeling for him at that time was like that of a carer for a small child for whom I was forced to be his toy which he threw across the room.

Pause. Flash forward.

In March, this year, I began to ask myself compulsively, sort of all of a sudden, “Where did my bad daddy go?” I could hear the child’s plaintive voice in the question. The pain was a-cute.

I kept asking. It brings children's tears asking in this moment.

Around the same time, I quit point blank a couple of addictive behaviours, went back into therapy and wended my way to mentalpod.

The acute pain was grief. But I wasn’t grieving the death. I was grieving the little boy. Make that 2 little boys. The second little boy who was my dad who I couldn't protect, though I tried my whole life, hoping he might come back to himself and me.

Two little boys. Who didn’t do anything wrong.

I feel you. That little girl wants her daddy back.

Thank you for sharing.

My friend cool beans,

Thank you for sharing your story it means so much for you to be brave and share your story and I think its worse for you to have the potential for recovery to have your parent physically in this realm but not be present emotionally. I think that is a lot harder...

Your pain is still so visceral it almost wakes me out of my stupor...

but I am seriously enmeshed in a numbness right now that I have created to protect myself from the overwhelming pain I have squirreled away over the years - I stacked it up as I was never given the tools to process all of lifes delightful horrors that pop up...

My arms feel like lead right now - like huge mostrous tencled chains I have to drag everywhere and they are sluggish... not wanting to move or listen to my brains demands - doing my job today which requires talking and typing is just murdering my brain it does not want to be here right now...

Oak -

You are a calming presense - I appreciate that you take the time just to let me know you read it -

You are like a real shade tree providing an emotional shelter here - I just want to thank you

Imissmysun,

Good morning

I was relieved to be able to share it with you.

I am also relieved that your experience of work is similar to mine.

I don't have any pearls of wisdom. In fact my mind went to, "I wonder what kind of chains they are."

Sorry.

I think I was just fascinated by the noise they made. And your tentacles are w-i-l-d.

Unless tencle is a word. Oh shit, I hope it's not a word; I've just imagined monstrous tentacles chained together.

Something interesting to watch while I sit with you.

But later I have to check google.

It was totally a typo, i meant tentacle... my fingers were not typing well while in such a numbed state and i dont proof read when im binging out thoughts.

I am using this space as a journal some days and when i journal i just let what comes out, come out.

But yes i felt like my arms were foreign floppy lumps that would not work how i wanted them to.

And i am getting a headache right now out of no where so off to take some aspirin and try to sleep