YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

In the past couple of days I have been reading more about love addiction. I feel I've got enough of the characteristic behaviours and thoughts to self-identify as one.

About, say, a year ago, I started to realize that I didn't really like this person I've been infatuated and obsessed with — I'm actually mostly just in love with who I am when I am around this person. I feel, well, worthy — like being in this person's company means I get some refracted glory, like I'm a little less awful, ugly, etc. I forget what prompted the breakthrough, but when it finally struck me, it was such a sigh of relief — to realize that I myself am the only real obstacle to feeling this way all the time, and it's not just something about this particularly person. All my fretting about whether this person actually liked me, whether they were giving signs, whether I should admit that I wanted to be with them, etc, was mostly if not all irrelevant. Yes, this person is genuinely nice and respects me and treats me very kindly, but maybe the only reason I make such a big deal out of this person doing it is, perhaps, because I'm not genuinely nice, respecting of myself or kind in how I treat myself, and that the only thing stopping me from being that SmartCookie is me.

I'm not out of the woods on the infatuation by any means and sometimes I do still forget this lesson, but it is still such a revelation, to realize that the weight of the emotion, focus and obsession is really just a diversion that my brain uses to avoid thinking and feeling about the pain I haven't healed; and to remember that I can in fact go through that healing process and be a whole person. It is also the only honorable thing to do, because this person also deserves more than to be a salve for my pain; he deserves to be loved for who he is. Just like I do.

SmartCookie wrote:Yes, this person is genuinely nice and respects me and treats me very kindly, but maybe the only reason I make such a big deal out of this person doing it is, perhaps, because I'm not genuinely nice, respecting of myself or kind in how I treat myself, and that the only thing stopping me from being that SmartCookie is me.

Wow, this is profound and awesome! I love to read that you are really taking seriously the issue of loving yourself in the way you deserve!

Love addiction is such a tough thing to recognize because it's not a substance we can abuse like alcohol or drugs. I'm impressed that you were able to identify it and strong enough to take steps in the right direction.

As the cliche goes: the first step in treating a problem is acknowledging it. I'm so happy and proud for you that you're able to notice your addiction and try to make changes. I just want to give you a big hug. Keep up the good work and keep trying to find ways to love yourself.

Thank you, that was well-written and relateable. Whenever I have a falling out with somebody that I'm infatuated with I'm stunned by how little I genuinely care for that person. I know pain is beneath the addiction but I am frustrated by my inability to heal that pain. I may as well be trying to achieve cold fusion. Nonetheless I still believe it is possible and I wish you well on your recovery.

Thanks for that. Most people never realize it's not about the person they're obsessed with, it's about running from the feelings they've buried. Here is a great program for dealing with that and sex addiction. www.slaafws.org

Paul

I know this all too well. I became friends with a girl and almost immediately fell for her. I maintained the crush on her for at least a year or two. I won't get into the details of it, but the obsession sort of wrecked our friendship. The fallout was bad. That sort of catastrophic disillusionment was painful. I eventually came to realize that even the feeling of the possibility of being in love with someone is a powerful drug. It numbed me to the depression and anxiety that I had been suffering from since middle school, or at the very least, gave me something tangible to be anxious about. All of a sudden I was exposed to it with nothing to hide behind. Things got ugly. I hated myself for fucking things up with her. I felt like she would remember me only as that fucking crazy guy she used to know. The embarrassment, anxiety and depression weighed on me hard. I slowly recovered though. I was able to stop thinking about it for a day, then a week, then it'd barely pass through my mind. There was a point where we patched things up, but it didn't last long. It ended in a fight and I decided to end that fight quickly. I haven't talked to her since. It started the cycle over again, but I recovered quicker this time. It had to reach a boiling point though. I basically ended up messaging a very good friend at night and chronicled our entire relationship from beginning to end. Every gory detail. In the end, he didn't judge me for anything, and that was all I needed. I just needed someone to say I wasn't fucked up or crazy. I still deal with depression and anxiety, but I'm finding healthier ways to deal with it.

I really don't like this term "love addiction". Like Paul and others said, it doesn't really have anything to do with love of another person, as far as I can tell. Its more of a desperation to connect, or something like that. And I know that feeling.

I'd have to agree with that statement

I know that feeling as well. My wife and I were not connecting and I cheated on her in a desperate bid for connection. She gladly agreed to stay with me under the condition that I seek help for my lying and porn addiction. I am jumping in with both feet and a beautiful thing happened last night.....we hit the sack around 9:30 and just laid there and talked until nearly 11:00.