Nonverbal Learning Disorder

[lance]

There's so much to say about this, I don't know where to start. I was diagnosed in my FIFTIES. Should have been when I was seven or eight. But, back in late 60's and early 70's this didn't exist. Medically speaking, that is. NLD is where the right side of the brain is missing white matter, the stuff that facilitates communication within the brain and handles some cognitive functions, too. Like math, reading diagrams, organization, you know, all the stuff one needs to do well to do well. I'm told its in the Autism Spectrum, which quite frankly freaks me out if I think about it much. I think one of the worst things about this disorder, especially having it for so long, is the damage done to self esteem. Since half the brain is stroke like, and the other half is genius-ish, I come across as very bright. But hand me a fifth grade math problem and I can't do it. "Just try harder!" "Apply yourself", "You gotta want it", "We thought you were smart". I've heard that and more for decades. My dad thought it was a lack of character, and reminded me of it often. So now into counseling to try and undo all the damage, learn how to do some things differently, concentrate on the strengths. Yet I am dubious if I'll ever work in anything meaningful. It is scary, to be honest. Well, that's enough for now.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing lance.

You expanded my horizons.

I am glad you now have a diagnosis for what you have struggled with for so long.

I also believe that your intrinsic human worth is separate from any diagnosis.

[lance]

I appreciate that, and intellectually I know I am not my diagnosis, or disorder or disease, but there are just so damn many. I got four different chronic diseases, three of which impact things negatively, which includes the NLD. My self esteem was shot to hell a long time ago, I mean I have PTSD over the third and fourth grades. Too much stuff swirling in my brain right now. And I'm whining. Sorry about that.

[oak]

Lance, no need to apologize

If something is important enough for you post here, it is important enough for me to read.

And besides, we won't run out of interest from long or frequent posts

If your brain is swirling, that's okay also. If typing your thoughts here helps, type away.

I am glad you are using your voice.

[lance]

Before I knew I had NVLD, it seemed like some malevolent force continuously kept me from achieving goals, jobs and relationships. I'd be on the cusp of a good job except for that fifth grade arithmetic test which I could not pass. The HR people look at me like 'WTF', and say in a nice way, forget it. I beat myself up badly over things like that. And I know I've had at least three nervous breakdowns from this disorder, two divorces, thirty years of college and no degree, and too many jobs to count. I am used up, worn out, done. I have given up. I gain weight and I don't care. My liver is enlarged and I don't care. I have celiac disease and eat gluten now because I don't care. What good is therapy? I get the diagnosis, hear that I ought to be kind of proud to have gone so long and done relatively well considering my brain is like a stroke patients. But then what? I still can't do math, I still have depression , I still have no employment. I still have white matter missing from my right hemisphere. I still have a third wife who sort of understands but not really. How could she?

Yeah, I'm sorely tempted to hurry things along. Is it wrong to hope for a tumor, so I can out somewhat nobly? I've had enough of this fucked up disorder. Sorry for whining. Just saying...........

[lance]

I would have to guess that one of the most beautiful things about the human mind is plasticity, and our ability to reason, accept, and see things from a different perspective. In fact I really had no idea I was in the throes of the grieving process over the diagnosis so late in life, but I was. Some say the hypothesis of grieving is nonsense in that we think about loss in our own way, but like just about any cliche', it is rooted in truth. I was in denial, then I got angry, which lasted a while, then I began the bargaining thing, then I got really depressed about it, and now I've come to acceptance. My brain will never be 'normal' as far as it goes. Missing or damaged tissue doesn't always regenerate. So as far as it goes, if I want to have a half decent quality of life I need to live with my disability, work with it, and accept the limitations I have because of it. I have a job offer despite it, and that's from learning how to take advantage of the strengths and not play into the weaknesses.

Life is good.

[lawlessness45]

Oh my god. I read your first post and nearly keeled over. I have a Nonverbal learning disorder too(techincally mine is in the category of "visual spatial learning disorder",) and I have NEVER heard of anyone else that has one. And I was diagnosed in second grade. I'm sorry you weren't diagnosed until much later. That has had to be so frustrating. I know I have one and I still repeat those same phrases to myself over and over (just try harder, whats wrongs with you, how can you be so smart in some things but so dumb in others etc...) and your description of not being able to understand diagrams and having trouble with organization is spot on. I've never really understood it, and hearing you describe it like one side of your brain is stroke like helps me make sense of it. I've never understood just what is wrong with me even though I've done research. Although most of that research was done over 10 years ago and sorely lacking in information. No one has ever explained it like that before. And having one part of you that is ridiculously intelligent and able to grasp complex subjects and another part that simply can't can make you crazy. Hell, it has. I've had 4 nervous breakdowns over the course of my life, the last 2 within the span of the last 3 months. And it's doesn't just affect you in school. It's your whole life. I thought that once I was out of school things would get better. I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. But I'm finding that's not the case.
Your PTSD about grade school sounds familiar. I don't think I have PTSD, but thinking about it is very painful. My self esteem was non existent by the time I got out of there. I can't imagine what you went through not having help and being told you just weren't trying. Because the thing is, we do try. We try so hard it makes us sick. Or, I did at least. I don't know about your experience, but I imagine everyone telling you to do better either forced you to push yourself harder or give up. I certainly know by the time grade school was over I had given up. I want to offer words of encouragement. It sounds like you have a lot going on, more than enough to overwhelm you and your brain. Enough to overwhelm a "normal" person. Please try to have self compassion. I am preaching to the choir here, but if all else fails, you have helped me understand my brain a little better. And helped me know that such a diagnosis wasn't just made by a quack. You are seriously the first person I have ever heard of that has one. And that gives me a strange sense of relief. I just want you to know you are not alone in this. That there is someone out there who can sympathize, someone out there who has experienced something similar. I wish I could offer something other than words, but know I'm sending some good vibes your way.

Lawlessness45