My Fear Off

[FuckfaceTheGreat]

I'm afraid that my 10+ years of nail chewing will result in forever having horrific deformed finger nails.

I'm afraid of how it will affect my relationships w/ my other family members if I choose to cut my mother out of my life as an adult.

I'm afraid of being decapitated.

I'm afraid of going to hell. (Even though I'm pretty sure it's not real)

I'm afraid that there will be no life for me after high school and from then on I'll spend the rest of my life doomed to a gray and empty hell like Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye.

I'm afraid that my average grades and my lack of financial resources will result in never getting into college and end up working a minimum wage job for the rest of my life, never being able to have a sense of purpose in life because all I ever wanted to do was help people.

I'm afraid that when I die, I'll know that I'm doing and as I grow hazy, my vision blurring out and my life ebbing away from my body, I'll think "These is it. These are my last moments of consciousness. These are the last thoughts I'll ever have. There's nothing after this."

I'm afraid that the exchange student from Spain who is coming over next month will think that my house smells weird.

I'm afraid that I'll never even have my first kiss. That I'll be 20, then suddenly 30, then 40 and 50 and 60 and never even know what it's like to hold hands with someone. I'll be old and it'll be too late. I'm already ashamed of it, and I'm only 16. Imagine how that shame will be when I'm 60.

I'm afraid that I'm not lesbian enough. I'm attracted to women, but I don't feel like I identify well enough with the LGBT community. Probably because I've never been romantic with anyone, let alone a woman.

I'm afraid that my mom will just say fuck it and have her abusive boyfriend over whole I'm home, despite my protests, and I'll be torn between lying to my father about it and telling the truth. If he were to find out, he would probably get into a custody battle with my mom, one that I'm sure he would win, then I would have to go from my academically very good school to one of the worst in the state because he can't afford to move elsewhere. Or worse, my dad will confront my mother's boyfriend and the boyfriend will murder him.

I'm afraid that I won't ever be able to figure out what I want to do with my life and I'll spend so much time trying yo figure it out, that I won't end up doing anything, and my whole will have been a waste.

I'm afraid that I'll spend so much time thinking up ideas for books to write that I'll never actually write a book.

I'm afraid of being raped and that I'll never be able to live with the fact that I let myself be controlled by a man.

I'm afraid that my mother did something to me that I don't remember that caused me to suddenly get a lazy eye at age 3 as some of my family members suspect.

I'm afraid that my favorite fandoms will die out.

I'm afraid that I'll never find be able to find a female partner and I'll just have to settle with men, which I am not attracted to, just fill at least a little bit of the void in my soul.

I'm afraid that in the future rape will be legalized or men will just become so determined to crush feminism that all men will just collectively decide that rape is okay and women won't be able to do anything about it because if they do, they'll get raped.

I'm afraid that if a get a normal job and live my life like everyone else, I'll die regretting the fact that I never became a homeless, wandering, simplistic, minimalist, nomadic vagabond, and if I become a homeless, wandering, simplistic, minimalist, nomadic vagabond, I'll die regretting that I didn't get a normal job and life my life like everyone else.

I'm afraid that I'll never be able to get career or job or even do anything with my passion for linguistics and thusly, I'll never be happy because my one passion is some useless thing that doesn't matter.

I'm afraid that my allergies will never go away.

I'm afraid that none of my friends truly like me and they all just pity me and that's the reason why they rarely try to make contact with me outside of school.

I'm afraid that I'll break my personal promise of never consuming alcohol and I'll become an alcoholic (albeit a functioning one) like so many goddamn people in my family.

I'm afraid that if I ever have children, my fears of intimacy and my fear of becoming a paranoid agoraphobe by-proxy like my mother will cause me to be reserved and not give my children the love and care that they need and they will feel abandoned and worthless. Then again, who would ever actually have children with me?

I'm afraid of getting breast or brain cancer. Especially brain cancer.

I'm afraid that I'll have so few friends and so little love and intimacy in my life that I'll just shrivel up and die.

I'm afraid that there will be another civil war in the United States.

I'm afraid of the passage of time. I just feel like everyday i'm getting closer to death.

I'm afraid that while in a car, I will stick my head out the window and get decapitated by a mailbox.

[FuckfaceTheGreat]

I'm afraid of watching old TV shows, reading old books or Internet articles, and listening to old podcast episodes because the fact that they're old reminds me of my own mortality.

I'm afraid that I won't be able to find a non-corporate part-time job that I can do to get money during the rest of high school and college.

I'm afraid that one day I will run into a situation where a douche bag male hits on me and I'll say that I'm a lesbian because that's the truth but I'll be angry at myself because "no" should have been a good enough answer even though men don't accept that and I'll feel like I let down feminism. But I guess that's not a realistic fear, since I don't think anyone male or female would ever hit on me.

I'm afraid that I will try to flirt with someone and I will come across as creepy and perverted since I'm so socially awkward that I don't really know how my words come across to other people because I've never really known what "normal" is.

I'm afraid that I'm secretly an arrogant, selfish, greedy egoist like my mother says and I'm wrong about those just being things in herself that she's projecting onto me.

I'm afraid that people talk about me behind my back.

I'm afraid that people DON'T talk about me behind my back (because I'm so boring and uninteresting that nothing about me warrants discussion.)

I'm afraid that because I've been too afraid to write anything for so long that my writing now sucks and I've lost all creative spirit.

I'm afraid that this school year I'll end up crying in nearly every Physics class just like in Chemistry last year.

I'm afraid that my really nice aunts and cousins just compliment me because they feel sorry that I'm such a loser.

I'm afraid my ability to speak Spanish will suddenly go away.

I'm afraid that other people will find out that I'm a virgin and harass me about it and I'll use the fact that I'm a lesbian as an excuse and in the process accidently admit that I've never kissed anyone and them I will be harassed about that.

I'm afraid that that weird dream I had about being murdered in the woods at night by a demonic looking man was actually a prophetic dream.

I'm afraid that Paul will read my fears for a fear off with an older male guest and said guest will think my fears are silly teenage girl fears and mine will be super shitty compared to his.

I'm afraid that that overwhelming feeling of wanting to dematerialize will evolve into suicidal thoughts.

I'm afraid that my mother won't let me go to counseling again in the fall like she said she would.

[Scratch]

Just to let you know that you definitely don't suck at writing, this was compelling, powerful stuff.

[IdentityPoltergeist]

I love your name btw.

You should be proud of how much thought you put into these things. Ending up with a man out of loneliness or desperation? A lot of lesbians do, there are only so many of us. Me, for instance. I'm 11 years your senior but so socially awkward with women and so broke after graduating college I gave up. I also wasn't gay enough for "gold star lesbians", who pride themselves on never experimenting with men. Like it makes them better. Like it was even a choice for some people. I'd rather date a bi girl, who cares if after me she is with a man? I'm more insecure about someone lording their sex life over mine than what someone chooses to do after things are over with me. Just don't make my mistake. Face your fears head on. Don't feel bad about never kidding at 16, I didn't until that age and it was forced by a guy.

You can still afford to go to school. Take cheap online classes at a nonprofit or community college and pay out of pocket, get your associates there and move on elsewhere if you need to. Or get a job somewhere that pays your tuition.

About your mom's abusive boyfriend... Your safety should be the priority. If you need to graduate early and get your GED, do that! I graduated early w/ credits but wish I'd just gotten out sooner, it was miserable. Then move in with your dad and work or go to college, or move out on your own (but if your dad can take you on and isn't homophobic take the support).

I really feel for you and your pain. Write now, while you still have the time and the inspiration. Check out poetry slams and open mics. Job shadow a professional writer and get their advise, see how they made it.

Please don't feel hopeless. There are lesbians out there who know exactly what you are going through and you will get the biggest embrace by the LGBT community when you put yourself out there! Join an LGBT group in or near a college. If you can, start one in your school high school and get a nice scholarship!

Wishing you the best!

[FuckfaceTheGreat]

Thank you so much Scratch and IdentityPoltergeist! I'm sorry it took me 4 months to respond but your responses meant a lot.

[FuckfaceTheGreat]

I'm afraid that I'm actually a transgender man but I will continue to live my life as a butch lesbian and then realize on my death bed that I wasted a lifetime never having been true to myself.

I'm afraid that I will "decide" that I really am I transguy and pursue transitioning into a man, then realize on my death bed that I made an awful mistake and I completely missed out on a wonderful life in the gay community being an awesome, masculine woman (not another straight white dude) and as I die flashes of all of the incredible, transcendental, spiritual relationships I never had will flash before my eyes.

I'm afraid that I've only been thinking that I might be a trans man because I want people to hate me even more or because I'm a grandiose narcissist who just wants more hardship to make myself more interesting.

I'm afraid that I'm too absorbed in my fantasy life.

I'm afraid that this shitty heterosexist, cisgender society we live in will never acknowledge the existence of genderqueer people. Half my friends are genderqueer and every person in their lives refuses to accept that there exists something besides male and female.

I'm afraid that I'll never finish all the books on my bookshelf.

I'm afraid that I will never be able to take the bounty of ideas that come into my head and turns those into anything significant.

I'm afraid that I will never be masculine enough to at least pass as a man.

I'm afraid that I will never share a deep, mutually close friendship with anyone.

I'm afraid of the shear immensity of the universe.

I'm afraid that my will to get better, my recovery from depression, and the soul that has finally been awakened inside me are all slowly slipping away.

I'm afraid that straight, cisgender men can't see the depth of women's souls. All good works of art that study and examine the human condition are about men. There are so many stories like "Into the Wild" about the transcendental emotional journeys of men that inspire people but no one seems to think that women have these same nuances.

I'm afraid that my mother will die never having gotten better and still truly believing in her heart that it's EVERYONE ELSE who's shitting on HER not realizing that it was HER who blew through out lives like a hurricane and left us all broken and fucked up.

I'm afraid that I will never mean anything to another human being.

I'm afraid of not knowing how other people see me. I don't know if I'm really the person I think I am. Sometimes I don't even care if they hate me or love me, I just want to know which.

I'm afraid that I'll never be able to satisfy that delightfully masochistic urge inside me that compels me to isolate myself in dark rooms and think hateful things about myself that creeps up from time to time when I go a long time w/o social interaction.

I'm afraid that ignorant people will always be the dominant force in society.

I'm afraid that I'll never get the chance to intimately comfort a woman that I care about. I just want to hold an emotionally struggling woman in my arms and let her vent all her tearful frustrations.

[TJ248]

"I'm afraid that my mother did something to me that I don't remember that caused me to suddenly get a lazy eye at age 3 as some of my family members suspect."
Sorry to hear about that.