facing my fears
Posted: September 22nd, 2013, 3:53 pm
I'm avoidant, so I'm really good at not thinking about what scares me. This is an attempt to change that. Big and little, trivial and not. Much of what I'm afraid of I know is true.
I'm afraid my mother who already needs 24-hour care will keep deteriorating mentally and physically but not die for a long time.
I'm afraid that when we run out of money to take care of her she'll have to go into a medicaid nursing home and it will be awful.
I'm afraid we won't be able to get her into a nursing home.
I'm afraid that my cat will be on prozac for the rest of her life and that I'll have to start every day by giving her a pill.
I'm afraid I'll do a terrible job at hiring people to fill the vacancies in my office.
I'm afraid it will become more apparent that I'm not doing a good job.
I'm afraid I'll keep getting sicker just as my family and my job are asking more from me.
I'm afraid that I have lost my emotions permanently.
I'm afraid I'll never be able to cry or laugh deeply.
I'm afraid that someone will find out how dirty my house is.
I'm afraid the garden is so overgrown that I'll never get it clear.
I'm afraid there's a sinkhole forming in my yard.
I'm afraid I'll gain weight.
I'm afraid that not exercising has made me weak.
I'm afraid that I'll never be in a relationship again.
I'm afraid I'll never have sex again.
I'm afraid I'm not taking good care of my cats.
I'm afraid how good I am at not thinking about things.
I'm afraid I'll spend all of my money taking care of my mother.
I'm afraid my car will break down.
I'm afraid I will break down.
I'm afraid that I won't go back to therapy.
I'm afraid that I will go back to therapy.
I'm afraid that I'm taking meds that aren't working.
I'm afraid that stress has prematurely aged me.
I'm afraid that years of drinking caused permanent brain damage.
I'm afraid that I will always be this alone.
I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to do what I have to do when the time comes.
I'm afraid I'll wait too long and be trapped.
I'm afraid to post this.
I'm afraid my mother who already needs 24-hour care will keep deteriorating mentally and physically but not die for a long time.
I'm afraid that when we run out of money to take care of her she'll have to go into a medicaid nursing home and it will be awful.
I'm afraid we won't be able to get her into a nursing home.
I'm afraid that my cat will be on prozac for the rest of her life and that I'll have to start every day by giving her a pill.
I'm afraid I'll do a terrible job at hiring people to fill the vacancies in my office.
I'm afraid it will become more apparent that I'm not doing a good job.
I'm afraid I'll keep getting sicker just as my family and my job are asking more from me.
I'm afraid that I have lost my emotions permanently.
I'm afraid I'll never be able to cry or laugh deeply.
I'm afraid that someone will find out how dirty my house is.
I'm afraid the garden is so overgrown that I'll never get it clear.
I'm afraid there's a sinkhole forming in my yard.
I'm afraid I'll gain weight.
I'm afraid that not exercising has made me weak.
I'm afraid that I'll never be in a relationship again.
I'm afraid I'll never have sex again.
I'm afraid I'm not taking good care of my cats.
I'm afraid how good I am at not thinking about things.
I'm afraid I'll spend all of my money taking care of my mother.
I'm afraid my car will break down.
I'm afraid I will break down.
I'm afraid that I won't go back to therapy.
I'm afraid that I will go back to therapy.
I'm afraid that I'm taking meds that aren't working.
I'm afraid that stress has prematurely aged me.
I'm afraid that years of drinking caused permanent brain damage.
I'm afraid that I will always be this alone.
I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to do what I have to do when the time comes.
I'm afraid I'll wait too long and be trapped.
I'm afraid to post this.
