Buying a House - Losing my Friends

[Wren]

I'm 31 years old and struggling with depression and anxiety. I guess I struggle with alcoholism too but it's the only medication I've got so while it's imperfect and unhealthy I'm not ready to let go of my crutch. Last night I didn't drink though, and I'm trying to get through this week sober...but good goddamn it's hard.

I've been a wreck my whole life and finally started to piece myself together over the last couple of years. I married a great man and while we still have one big hurdle in our marriage to overcome all in all it's a really healthy relationship and he is like a rock.
I'm so damn foggy headed today it's really difficult to write but I'm also feeling pretty isolated and anxious so if you're reading this please bear with me.

A year or so ago my grandfather died a week before my wedding and while it's taken some time some money has trickled down to us via my mother. She and my brother have been really riding my ass for years to buy a house. I've not ever wanted/trusted myself enough to make such a huge decision and we've always been flat broke so it was easy enough to avoid the situation. We simply couldn't afford it. But around Easter this year my mom gives me some "inheritance." It comes with a few caveats: it can only be used as a down payment on a house or put into a retirement fund of her choosing and orchestration. AND...if I die the money is to return to her and not go to my husband. Which, is maybe kind of fucked up. When she gave me this money I had been experiencing huge day long panic attacks (described in the Anxiety Forum: physical hell from the brain down or something like that.) I was scheduled to have a CT scan done of my brain but I cancelled it. Feeling like I wanted to invest the moeny and secure something for my husband and pets should I end up with brain worms we decided to start really looking for a house. We found one and will close in 21 days.
While I'm so super-fucking grateful to be able to move forward with my life in such a way as to buy a house...it's fucking terrifying. ESPECIALLY because my husband can't really be part of the process. His finances are so fucked he can't be on the loan or title. So it's MY house. I mean, it's ours but when you boil it down I'm the one responsible for it. If something were to happen to him I'll be saddled with his $100,000+ pile of debt, a house payment I won't be able to afford, and some farm animals I won't be able to feed.

I know none of that could happen and I could also live a "happy" life and be much better off that 90% of the world but I'm sure you all are familiar with the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop feeling. It's been the only constant in my life. The other shoe always drops. On my head. How are there so many shoes? Anyway.

And I guess the other kicker is that I don't have a ton of friends. I am fortunate enough to a have a few close friends but relationships are really hard for me. I have social anxiety disorder among other things and getting close to folks is nearly impossible. So when I do get close it's really in there deep for me. And my friends keep moving away. It's a transient town that I live in so everyone here feels the sting of losing a friend to a move/ career change/ etc. But I only had two really good ones and they've moved on. And I'm moving farther out.
And I can't afford my therapist right now.
And I have no meds.
And I daydream about doing drugs. I even asked someone I worked with if they knew where to find some pills. I've never been a pill popper but it's just really fucking tough right now.
And last week I was nearly arrested at work for accidentally serving a minor. I almost lost my job. I almost lost everything.
And my cat's not been eating much and I'm afraid she'll die before I get her to her new home with the screened in porch we wanted just for her.
And my ex just got married. And I haven't had sex in over a month.
And I've had stomach aches and diarrhea for almost a week. (too much? are bowel movements taking it too far?)
And I'm scared.
I'm trying so hard to make a better life for myself and my husband. We have dreams of doing our part to make this world a better place, one little acre at a time. We want to be forces for good.
So I'm reaching out here, in all the threads and forums I can. Letting it gush. Cause I just really a friend right now.

thanks for listening.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, you have a lot on your plate, wren. It is cool to have cash for a house, but the money comes with so many strings attached. It is scary, I bet.

Sorry to hear about your cat not doing well.

Glad to hear you have your husband to lean on. Keep us informed about how the process goes about getting a house with the closed in porch perfect for a cat!

[Wren]

Thanks Manuel_Moe_G.
We went out today to get some well water samples to make sure there's no e coli or anything. I have a lot of trouble staying in my body when we go there, expecially when the folks who own it are there as they were today.
On the drive back to drop off the samples I thought I might black out in the car. My husband worries when I get silent all of a sudden. It was like a total out of body experience, stronger than one I've had before. It was so nice driving around the back roads to get there and all the nice country scenery but there is so much work to be done on the property itself. As we were leaving I kept telling myself "this is how you make something and not just 'have' something. this is how you build confidence and pride."
But it's tough when physically my body is freaking out and I feel myself shutting down.
I am very grateful to have someone supporting me. I seriously couldn't do it without my husband. And I'm a big feminist so I don't mean that like he's a man and he's stronger. He's just a man who got therapy at a young age and really worked on getting his head straight and being healthy. Something I wasn't afforded until recently.
Anyway. Thanks for your support as well. It does help to have a voice here. Maybe I need to bring some damn ice cubes to the closing so I can stay in my body and not pass out. Sheesh.

[Mareda]

Hi Wren - congrats on the home purchase, sounds fab! It's been a few weeks now, so hopefully you're settling in?

You are totally correct when you said "this is how you make something and not just 'have' something. this is how you build confidence and pride", even if it feels like hellfire and brimstone and more hellfire and then ALL THE GODDAMNED SHOES are about to descend upon your precious head. I think even the wonderful life transitions can be the most terrifying, when we are accustomed to crap. It's that whole "hmmm, something's gone well here, what fresh hell is lying in wait for me" kind of thing. It might take some time to settle into your wonderful new reality, but you will get there if you just breathe it all in, and breathe out all the fear and shit and terror and things which torment you.

Congrats on your booze abstinence, too. I quit booze over a year ago, and it took awhile for my body chemistry to reset itself. But I can honestly say it's one of the best decisions I've made, particularly in managing my intensive anxiety and depression. It doesn't make the real problems go away, but it does prevent them from growing talons and horns and scales. Have you tried going to a meeting when you're struggling to stay sober?

I am so sorry your kitty isn't doing well. We just had to put our kitty to sleep on Wednesday, and I keep punishing myself with regret over the things we could have done differently for him. One thing I wouldn't change? The fact that we gave him all the hugs and kisses and silliness, every single day of his life. You can't go wrong with that, my dear girl, but I'll bet you already know that. And I am so grateful for my partner's support - because we big feminists are still utterly human, and we need other humans to lean on when things get shitty. And who better than your husband, who has gotten some help and might have some ideas to help you, is participating in your life and this time of transition so fully with you, who loves your kitty as much as you, and will therefore know exactly what you're going through?

I was thinking that once you've moved into the new place, your knickknacks are all put away and the dust has generally settled, you might consider a life insurance policy - one that would pay out enough to reimburse your mother the down payment, pay off your mortgage, and leave your husband enough to pay off his debt & take care of the animals & whatnot? I dunno exactly how it could work in your situation, but some people will get a policy for a certain amount, and then make a will that dictates how the money is to be distributed among their priorities. Not that you'll need it, because you will get through all of this, but it can give you tremendous peace of mind about "what's going to happen if the shoe does drop" - particularly where it seems like your mother may be using that money to control you a bit, which seems to be plucking the strings of your anxiety.

Best wishes - sounds like you've got lots to look forward to. The shitty stuff will pass, because you will recognise your strength and march right the fuck through it. And enjoy the crap out of that screened-in porch with your kitty. <3

[Wren]

Thanks for the response Mareda.
The day before we were supposed to close on our house kitty ran away, then our house closing was rainchecked, then kitty came home, and our house closing was scheduled to its original time. In 48 hours everything fell apart and then fell back together again like nothing happened. It was pretty nutty.
We are moved in now and even had a house guest for a few days. There's still some unpacking to do and plenty of fucking painting...but it's coming together. The dog and the cat couldn't be happier. Today we began building a fence for the pup, our first big project. It's amazing being here but when I'm alone it can be hard not to anticipate someone breaking in, raping and murdering me. Or often when I leave for work after my husband does I fear the place will burn down. Like, I want to call in sick just to baby sit my new house to make sure it doesn't burn down. I know it's all irrational, well, the house burning down thing at least. I have been raped, I have been home invaded (not at the same time thankfully) so these things are hard not to fear.
But overall the sense of pride and joy I have in just getting far enough and keeping my shit together enough to get us all here is enough to keep me from staying awake all night.
I will say the urge to buy a shotgun is pretty intense but my PTSD and suicidal ideation keep me from acting on this desire. I just don't trust myself not to make a giant mistake some day.

That tip about the life insurance is a good idea though, thanks for that too. Once things get a little more chill I'm going to look into it. Still so much on our plates over the next couple months.

[manuel_moe_g]

Sounds like things are coming together with regards to the house, Wren. Please take care during this time of transition. All the best to you.

[Mareda]

@Wren - oh god, so much sphincter-clenching (and loosing!) chaos, but you did it! Even though the universe set you up on one hell of a ride, you arrived in the end. GOOD ON YOU - now savour it all, even the fucking painting, because even though there's always more fucking painting, they're your walls you're fucking painting. And that's kind of fun.

The break-in/rape/murder/house burning down fears - oh, fuuuuuucking PTSD. I'm so very, deeply sorry for what's happened, but they are bygones and you are still standing. I hope the pride & joy work their way in and replace the bad feelings, as tough as that is sometimes. It sounds like you have so much beauty and love in your life; time, therapy, self-care, and all the good stuff will allow them and you to continue unfolding. Please stay with us and away from the shotgun - we are your cheering section, and wanna see you fulfill yourself and your life's purpose. <3