Nothing left

[rivergirl]

The last few years have been rough, but I felt like I could deal with it all until today, now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I've been in a long distance relationship for six years with a man I dated in high school. We were dating as teens during a time when I was being sexually abused by an adult friend of my family, and I ended the relationship with my classmate then due to shame about my abuse, thinking it was my fault for allowing it. My former classmate contacted me on the Internet six years ago and said he was going through a divorce and was over the top telling me that he'd always loved me since we were dating as teens and he'd wanted to marry me since then and we were meant to be together and this was our chance at a do-over, etc. I was really supportive of him during his divorce but now that's been over for a while and he says it's too long to wait for me while I get my mom through her current medical problems (she's 88) and make other living arrangements for her and continue to save enough to move 3000 miles away to where he is. At first we both visited each other but the past several times I always visit him. It feels like I'm losing him a second time although now so much worse because he's choosing to leave me rather than circumstances pushing us apart. He's so angry that I asked him to continue to wait for me after he'd asked me not to bring it up that he says he doesn't want to ever hear from me again. He doesn't believe in seeing therapists and says he would never consider counseling to resolve our issue.

I went through a divorce 15 years ago after my husband left me for his coworker and feel like I barely survived that, even though I was much younger then. This time feels so much worse because I'm now over 50, have already been battling worse depression this past year, was diagnosed a year ago with a severe autoimmune form of arthritis and deal with chronic pain in my joints from that, my job is being outsourced and I'm not sure where I'll be moved, I have been financially supporting and sharing home with my elderly mom for a long time and now her health is declining, both of my older sisters have had cancer in past few years and one is also an addict and is not in remission, etc.

The only thing I want is to hear my boyfriend's voice again and know he still loves me, or to just go to sleep and never wake up. I did call and get an appointment with a therapist tomorrow night, chosen by the insurance company so I have no idea if she can help. I can't even imagine what "help" would be at this point. I've focused my life so much on this relationship and planning to relocate to be with him, it feels like there's nothing else left for me. It's too late to start over in any of these areas. I have to stay around to care for my mom while she's still here, which is why I made the appointment, but as far as my life having any value to me personally, it doesn't. Too much unending physical and mental pain.

[manuel_moe_g]

I read your whole post, and I honor your pain, rivergirl. In your posts, your "boyfriend" doesn't seem very mature or supportive. He seems like a "user". I have arthritis too, so I know how much of your life-energy it can drain. I am glad you are being self-loving and have an appointment with a therapist. Be patient with yourself and allow things time to change slowly, even though we want them to change quickly so we can be over and done with the pain. It is never too late. Please take care, rivergirl, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for reading my long and confusing post, MM.

I think my (ex)boyfriend and I were probably both immature in rushing into a relationship after being apart for 30 years. But I do feel used in some ways when I think about how one-sided our relationship could be at times (I'll spare anyone reading this the examples). His ex-wife who is a hospital psychiatrist actually told him that she thinks he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I see some of the characteristics as well.

But I still love him so much (in what I think are probably both healthy & unhealthy ways) that the thought of never seeing him again is unbearable. I know people deal with worse problems every day though.

Your time & your comments mean a great deal to me, MM. Hoping for better days ahead for us all, rivergirl

[Omniel]

Rivergirl, a very similar story here except with a horrible twist.

Same age, same long distance, add a few more years, he seemed SO INSISTENT for me to move where he was while I was seeing my mother through Alzheimer's disease. Even when she went into the nursing home, SOMEBODY had to advocate for her and I did that.

Not once did he pay for me to come and see him. When we saw each other, it was at a midway point and I always had to pay my own way there. He was weird in his communication - I told him a number of times he acted like a married man. Assured me NO WAY he was divorced, blah blah.

He wasn't divorced. Not yet. I went investigating online and found he divorced his wife about 3 years after the last discussion we had about his behavior.

AND THEN HE TURNED AROUND AND MARRIED AGAIN, some woman in Pennsylvania.

Claimed the marriage was over in "weeks" because she discovered him looking at GAY PORN.

(still with me? I'm feeling dizzy by this time).

I go online again, I find no divorce in any of his known locations.

Long story short, he decides to tell me on the phone "I might be bi"

My response? "Does bi mean gay?" Yes, was the answer. At this point I feel like passing out.

More bullshit from him, it went into the next day or so, I told him to go suck a dick and never contact me again.

Point is, a long distance relationship is ideal for men who have secrets. It's also a great environment to foster "desperate love", to lie and to keep you in a separate compartment from his regular life.

I'm not saying your dude is gay. I'm saying that long distance and not seeing each other frequently makes it SO easy to show you a false front. Easy to keep it up too.

I have been so traumatized by this person, I can't even tell you. It's been a year. I can't think of him, I have no good memories. I never knew this person. He made up someone he thought I wanted and acted the part. The entire "gay" subject is traumatizing. I can't watch TV if that's the subject. I can't read anything or discuss anything if that is part of the discussion. I just can't.

Hey, for all I know he might not even be gay - who knows - there is nothing that came out of his mouth that I believe.

I think at some point you have to decide that someone is poison to you and avoid it like the plague. If therapy helps with that, great.

[rivergirl]

Omniel, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, it sounds really traumatic. Thank you for the post though, it made me feel less alone in what I'm going through. I hope over time the pain of your experience will start to fade. It can be hard to trust people when you see how easily some will lie without seeming to have much of a conscience about it.

I still wonder if there are significant things I don't know about my ex-boyfriend. This weekend my mom was seriously ill and I had to take her to ER, and I called my ex in a panic against my better judgment. He did call me back and we talked for a while, but he seemed very emotionally detached, the same as he has for the past couple of years. We spent more time discussing the football game he was watching while talking to me than what was going on with my mom.

Today I'm so exhausted from being at the ER late into the night that it's hard to think clearly. Still felt really good to get a reply and I appreciate it more than my foggy brain can express right now. Thank you again Omniel!

[oak]

Heyyy Rivergirl!

I know words can't always express all that we mean, but since that is our medium here, I send a word of encouragement:

I honor you for going to the ER with your mother. Helping an elderly parent, to me that is a sign of real character. I hope you get some good karma, and soon, for your kind action.

[Omniel]

Rivergirl, the emotional detachment when you were telling him you had to take your mom to the ER is a red flag.

I was always available to talk to my ex and he didn't offer the same. He would ignore calls or answer and immediately say he was busy and would call back. In hindsight I now know that's because he had a wife around.

When my mother died, I left him a voice mail (because he ignored the call) to tell him. He called back 3 DAYS LATER. Uninterested. After a week, he asked how long I was going to be upset. I turned the corner right then as far as burying my head in the sand and ignoring my gut, which was telling me there was something so ABNORMAL about this.

If your gut is speaking to you, don't ignore it. If you think he might be up to something, he may be. Start by Googling his name or his email address. That's how I started finding out things. If he's been in the same location for a while, check the court records online. A wealth of info there.

[rivergirl]

Thank you so much, for the replies Oak & Omniel. I haven't been feeling well mentally or physically this past week & still can't quite get any coherent thoughts together to respond very much. I just know that every one of the messages I've received in response to my posts has made me feel a little less lost & alone.

[rivergirl]

Just an update now that I'm able to think a bit more clearly ... a few hours after I wrote my last post, I had to drive myself to ER in the middle of the night with some of the most extreme muscle & joint pain I've ever had and worst swelling & redness in my joints (my hands looked I was wearing big puffy gloves). It turns out that a flu shot I got that morning had probably triggered an autoimmune response that went out of control due to my disease. After almost a week of steroids and vicodin I think I'm now pretty much back to normal pain levels physically, but am worried about taking the last of the vicodin tonight because I know it's been helping me get through my emotional distress as well as the physical pain (I've been taking a lot more than I need for pain the past few days).

The night I got sick I called my ex when I was in between ER & finding an all night pharmacy (they didn't give me pain medication at hospital since I was driving myself), we talked for a few minutes but then he never emailed or called back to check if I'd made it home or how I was doing. I finally called him at the end of the week and he was completely casual like he'd forgotten. Every day that went by that I didn't hear from him I got more anxious and depressed. I remember now that this happened when I had hand surgeries a couple of years ago. He was contacting me very infrequently and I started taking the pain medication even when I didn't need it to cope with the emotional distress I was feeling. I know I can't blame this on him though. I've got to develop better ways to cope on my own without resorting to trying to get support from someone who doesn't want to give it, or using other unhealthy ways like abusing prescription drugs to get through it.

I'm trying as much as I can to focus on anything positive. The fact that I have medical insurance & that it also covers counseling, my mom surviving her latest illness, the fact that I can listen to this podcast, the kind posts from people here.

Oak, your comment about good karma really hit home. The therapist I saw a week ago didn't seem like a good fit for me so I'm going to try a different one on Monday, but one thing I did get out of that session is that even though I've been very responsible caring for my elderly mom & supporting her financially the past 10 years, I still beat myself up every day for not doing enough for her, while also beating myself up for not moving to where my ex is & helping him out by being a stepmom to his son when he wanted me to. I can't win with myself whichever way I turn, I'm always failing other people.

Omniel, your story is so sad. The comment your boyfriend made about how long it would take you to get over losing your mom makes me want to cry. We never really get over those kinds of losses, do we? They may become less acutely painful over time but the loss is still part of your life no matter how much time goes by. I'm glad you're at a point where you at least realize you didn't deserve to be treated that way.

I'm feeling acutely embarrassed about having posted so much. I thank anyone who has read even a portion of my rambling messages.

[manuel_moe_g]

Don't be embarrassed. You are a good writer, and a awesome person, and a survivor, rivergirl. We care about you. Please get better, please take care, and please don't be so hard on yourself.