I need help: no savings. Scared.

[Namu]

oak: Awesome. Carry on. You will get through this.

A gently offered suggestion: Canceling appointments, though it can trigger feelings of fear, shame, and guilt, does not make one a jerk. If you unlink "jerk" from canceling appointments (maybe insert a deep breath between the two), it will probably ease the interaction, and benefit others as much as yourself. Self-care and self-gentling benefits everyone, always, in the long run.

I opine that you are not a jerk.

: ^}

Staying tuned,

Namu

[oak]

@Namu and @Rivergirl! Thanks for your encouragement. It made my life better.

Yes, I am a better, happier person because you cared enough to post here.

Everything went great!

But not for the reason I expected. There were no copays, and such documentation was tossed off with a chuckle and a lackadaisical handwave. I was chilled by the awesome power of privilege, just because I have plastic cards in my wallet..

I was chilled by the recognition of the famous (and important) Eddie Murphy sketch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_LeJfn_qW0

While this sketch dealt with race, my privilege was class: because I have benefits through work, I was welcomed and given dental care and legal advice for free. The second banker in the Eddie Murphy sketch was an exaggeration, but not by much. I specifically asked about billing, and they promised to send an invoice if anything came up. No big deal.

Both the dentist (wisdom teeth, gum work) and lawyer (debt repayment plan, possible day in court) gave me things to work on to mitigate current problems and prevent future ones.

I know I am entitled (yes, I used that word intentionally) to these benefits. My employment compensation is a contract. Still, I feel more than a little guilt knowing that people in America are suffering greatly for a lack of dental care and representation.

I have a ways to go, for sure: I want to call my EAP tomorrow, and get my budget up and running for my next pay.

I even, in my anxiety today, created a vision statement for Saturday.

All this, and also especially the support I've been so generously given here, made my experience great. Thank you.

[brownblob]

Glad to hear it went well.

[Namu]

oak:

I'm *so* glad to hear things are moving along for you. You are fortunate, yes, to have access to the benefits you've been making such good use of, but you couldn't have made use of them if you hadn't managed your fear, and taken the steps necessary for emerging from a very scary spot.

I don't assume your troubles are over, but it sounds like you've won a strategically significant battle, and earned yourself some measure of peace.

I didn't go watch the sketch. It's late and I'm afraid even insightful humor would get sucked into the vortex of my chronic poverty-sodden cynicism. Maybe tomorrow ...

Warm congratulations on your good work, and on the easy terms of the appointments. It can be very uplifting when wise and courageous acts are followed by nice surprises. I'm glad you have a greater sense of power over your situation than you did.

I subscribed to this topic, and thought I'd get emails when new posts were made, but apparently that's not how it works. I'll try to get that figured out, but in the meantime I'll aim to check back here, now and then, just in case.

Three cheers, oak. : ^>

Namu

[oak]

Thanks Namu and brownblob! I appreciate your encouragement. I thought of you this week, when I was facing difficult, embarrassing, or awkward situations. Your encouragement made my life better.

Two quick things:

1. I actually did have to explain, canceling with just a few hours notice, that I couldn't make an appointment late Tuesday. I explained, in a painfully clear way, that I didn't save enough money. I couldn't afford the appointment. The person was kind and understanding. (Still, I don't want to be that kind of man. Or if I am that kind of man, I don't want to be that kind of man anymore. So definitely embarrassing, but I was honest and we all moved on.)

2. I made it to Saturday! I could hardly imagine making it an entire week, so I created a vision statement. I listed 15 things I wanted in a dream week. I completed 7 of 15, had mixed results for 3 of 15, did not complete 3 of 15, and the 2 remaining goals were not applicable.

I am certainly glad to have made it. Have I learned anything? Well, I have more of a budget, more of a balanced checkbook, but I didn't complete either.

What I am fine with, is the struggle.

I can hardly explain it, but this is my endeavor. "Whatever's in the way is the way."

I see the struggle as beautiful.

I have a spectrum of effort. Three examples:

1. Accomplished, with ease, quickly: Giving up the alcohol in 2008.

2. Accomplished, with enormous difficulty, over a long time: Overcoming underearning in 2013.

3. Unaccomplished, with enormous difficulty, with no end in sight: Saving a portion of what I earn.

I am very grateful to be sober; it happened in a minute. I am very grateful to be fully employed; I remember every painful step. Saving money? It may never happen, and it may destroy me. If so, I'm okay with that. I realize how big of difficulty it will take to take me down.

It is as if life is demanding something of me. Something I fall short in, time after time.

It painful and exhausting but there is a certain beauty to the struggle. A dignity.

[rivergirl]

I witness and honor your struggle, Oak.

[brownblob]

I'm glad to see that you have such a positive attitude. I know things are tough right now, but you are awesome.
I saw this quote on the Vietnam documentary tonight:
"To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering." Friedrich Nietzsche