Unemployable, and paralyzed by job-related trauma and cptsd,

[RightInTwo]

RIT, I was wondering if we were separated at birth even before I read that you made the fine choice to teach yourself to code.

Indeed!

Is this helpful at all?

Yes, this is actually very encouraging.

My last employer was a silicon valley startup, an infosec company. They ran it like a damn cult. People were expected to snitch on each other, it was built into the software. Their entire QA process was based on it. I refused to do it, not even once; but I received a record breaking number of QA’s from others. Everyone there was a lot younger, and probably had no idea there was anything wrong with that. It was, imo, toxic.

If you can explain the four pillars of OOP, universal classes, and a strong working knowledge of the practice of React

omg, yes!

Well, I’m not super confident about being able to explain the 4 OOP pillars & universal classes but React, absolutely.

I have, for the last couple of years, absolutely committed myself, and immersed myself in React. I have a basic understanding of component-based React, but I hate components, because I write code exclusively with React hooks. MERN is my stack (MongoDB, Express, React, Node). My github is I-keep-trying, if you want to see some of my 1,000 unfinished programming projects.

Without strong, generous mentors this is a really hard road.

This is where I’m really screwed.

I don’t even know where to start to find a mentor. Every hopeful connection I have thought I was making has ended in disaster. Or just dead silence.

[RightInTwo]

I appreciate the insights & encouragement… but, I wish I could show you what I’m up against. It’s absolutely overwhelming, there’s no clear starting point. Tools, you first need tools, and we have LOTS of tools, probably every tool we could possibly need. But where are they???? Beats the hell out of me, and I am not going to look for them; I’d rather deal with Freddie Kruger than set foot inside the garage. It’s that bad.

It has to be a passion, to be laser-focused on long blocks of code all day.

Up until May this year, I was spending literally every waking moment of nearly every single day, glued to my computer screen, coding. I was obsessed.

I made a conscious decision to stop for a while, because I could see myself doing that forever. It was becoming unhealthy for me. I enjoyed my successes, but I regularly became intensely upset and discouraged every time I failed another self-imposed goal.

I don’t know what it will take for me to start again.

[oak]

Hey! I am glad to hear that you have such excellent skills, especially the valuable React.

If and when you are ready, to the extent you feel comfortable, you may want to consider applying for a job here or there.

I believe in you.

[troebia]

Up until May this year, I was spending literally every waking moment of nearly every single day, glued to my computer screen, coding. I was obsessed.

OK so I'm going to go Dutch uncle on you, just like Oak. Being all-in/all-out on stuff leads to frustration, burnout and feelings of being inadequate. If I may, let's return to the drywall. You don't have to fix it today and you don't have to find all the tools today. But you could investigate, watch DIY videos and find out which tools are necessary and go looking for them in the house and gradually gather them in a box or a bucket. Like, oh, I found a scraper today...I'll put in the box. Later I find out the only thing that's missing is a saw. Guess I'll have to buy one, so I go to the hardware store and find one for ten bucks. And then I go outside, around the back of the store and maybe find a scrap of broken drywall to practice with. Start small. Start cheap. So I'm at home again and ready to go, and discover I forgot...the filler paste. Oh well, another trip to the store, another day. Maybe I'll have two or three little reno projects going at the same time, each with its ins and outs, and I patiently make notes of the stuff I need and what I need to learn before continuing.

All I'm trying to say is, some people (like me) just aren't made for the high stakes, the extreme sports, the high salaries and the glitzy lifestyle. I go slow, but I'll get there. Maybe after all, when you see what you accomplished, it was the journey that mattered the most. Give yourself a break, nobody's perfect. When you realise you made a mistake, take it as a lesson and not as a failure. Go slow, but go.

[RightInTwo]

I believe in you.

[RightInTwo]

Being all-in/all-out on stuff leads to frustration, burnout and feelings of being inadequate.

Here’s one of my key issues. I have two speeds: Warp drive all thrusters engaged, or sitting in the well waiting for death.

This broken modulator applies to every area of my life. Relationships, emotions, jobs, house cleaning, fitness, everything.

I’m trying to pay attention to this, but I’m still just beginning to try to figure out how to modulate. It’s a brand new skill, and it’s going to take time.

Side note: You and oak taught me a new term, “dutch uncle” which I have been able to infer the meaning to be, giving someone the cold hard honest truth as you see it. Is that correct? Prior to this, I was only aware of “dutch oven”, which is a whoooooole other thing!

[oak]

Hey!

Yes, it is a term, so far as I use it, to speak frankly but not unkindly to make plain a specific fault. Like any good uncle, one would only bother to have such a frank conversation, difficult as they are, with someone they think is worthy of such a reprimand.

I often phrase it like this:

“Look, you’re messing up in [specific way]. If you want to continue this road to ruin, fine. However, if you want to improve then no one will help you more than me. In fact, why don’t we try [specific action to directly and immediately improve the situation] right now?”

Edit to add:

In your case, I’d say something like this:

“There’s a simple way to quickly and definitively find out if you are employable with code: go right now into Indeed and search for “React”. With the “quick apply” buttons you can apply for ten jobs in five minutes. You’ll quickly get your answer. If five of them reply*, then you know you’re on the right track. If none reply, then you have ten job descriptions which tell you what they want. Learn what they which you don’t have and try again. That is the only way to find out if you are unemployable.”

* This outcome would not surprise me.

So, RIT, I encourage you, strictly for funsies, when you are ready, to find 5-10 React jobs, jobs you don’t really want or care about, and apply for them. Kind of like a social science experiment.

[RightInTwo]

Hey!

Yes, it is a term, so far as I use it, to speak frankly but not unkindly to make plain a specific fault. Like any good uncle, one would only bother to have such a frank conversation, difficult as they are, with someone they think is worthy of such a reprimand.

I often phrase it like this:

“Look, you’re messing up in [specific way]. If you want to continue this road to ruin, fine. However, if you want to improve then no one will help you more than me. In fact, why don’t we try [specific action to directly and immediately improve the situation] right now?”

Love this.

[rivergirl]

Hi RIT,

There's a lot of commentary here that's much more well-informed about your situation than anything I could say. I have only one small contribution which I hope might make you feel a tiny bit better about not being retained or hired for some past positions.

I used to take hiring and promotion decisions that were made about me extremely personally. Then I had two jobs where I served on hundreds of interview panels and hiring search committees. I learned that even when there are many safeguards in place to ensure that hiring is fair, human nature makes it nearly impossible to keep personal bias and subjective reasons out of the process. I've seen candidates not get hired because a future manager doesn't want to work with a particular gender or age group; the candidate reminds someone of an ex or other person they dislike; during pre or post interview small talk the candidate made a comment that they couldn't possibly know would hit a nerve with an interviewer, and so on. Sometimes the market is also just flooded with so many qualified applicants that it's impossible for everyone who could do the job well to be hired.

I think it's great that you're honest enough to admit that you played a part in some of your job issues, but I just wanted to encourage you to give yourself a bit of a break in personalizing all of these situations too much. (This is coming from someone who struggles not to take everything personally on a daily basis!)

Also, I read every word of your story & the replies and you have my support. Please keep posting.

rivergirl

[RightInTwo]

find 5-10 React jobs, jobs you don’t really want or care about, and apply for them.

Thank you for the encouraging and positive feedback.

This brings me to yet another one of my multitude of issues. Even if I successfully did all of this, got an interview (I’m actually pretty good at interviews, so that’s not an issue), then, yay, got the job… I can actually see that happening, maybe… but, I am 100% certain that I would sooner or later end up right back where I am now.

It’s not a matter of me being down on myself; I am, but also, my history is full of examples of me thinking, “Well now I know what ::not:: to do.” but then finding a whole new shitty stupid thing to do.

I don’t really learn anything useful from my mistakes; I just keep coming up with new mistakes.

Or maybe just, there’s always going to be at least one person in any given group of people who hates me enough to get rid of me, easy enough for them to do since I’m always the new person.

And I’ll never know exactly who it was or what the problem was, since nobody will ever come out and tell you. Never.

Sorry if this is all so terribly sad and discouraging… But that’s where I am, and why I feel so stuck here.