Re: I Will Never Be A Mother
Posted: July 15th, 2014, 8:08 am
Irrationalpersist,
Your post took my breath away. In the deepest, most secret place of me I can admit that my husband doesn't want to be married to me. Yet I keep pushing it down and away from me. And then you simply stated it, gathering all the facts that I provided into a logical conclusion. And my heart stopped.
When I think of the fact that my husband no longer wants me, my brain immediates takes me to "how can I fix this?" Of course, I recognize that that is useless and unhealthy, and I go there anyway. I think of all the things I have and haven't done and I ache for my inadequacies. Moments later, I recognize that I truly, honestly, with all my heart tried my very best, and I hate myself even more - because my best wasn't enough. I am not enough.
And I'm angry because it is my life that is ruined, not his. He gets everything he wants, no wife and no child. Yet he's taking none of the risk - he could father a child a decade from now, should he change his mind.
I know that I am just dipping a toe into the pain I'm about to be submerged in, and I already can't stand it. I do not believe I can live through the process. I don't want to live through it. In all my life, I have never experienced a moment so beautiful that it was worth the pain of life. Shit, I know that's a terrible thing to say, and trust me I am mentally beating myself for it, but it's true. It doesn't matter what's on the other side of this, it's not worth going through it.
Your post took my breath away. In the deepest, most secret place of me I can admit that my husband doesn't want to be married to me. Yet I keep pushing it down and away from me. And then you simply stated it, gathering all the facts that I provided into a logical conclusion. And my heart stopped.
When I think of the fact that my husband no longer wants me, my brain immediates takes me to "how can I fix this?" Of course, I recognize that that is useless and unhealthy, and I go there anyway. I think of all the things I have and haven't done and I ache for my inadequacies. Moments later, I recognize that I truly, honestly, with all my heart tried my very best, and I hate myself even more - because my best wasn't enough. I am not enough.
And I'm angry because it is my life that is ruined, not his. He gets everything he wants, no wife and no child. Yet he's taking none of the risk - he could father a child a decade from now, should he change his mind.
I know that I am just dipping a toe into the pain I'm about to be submerged in, and I already can't stand it. I do not believe I can live through the process. I don't want to live through it. In all my life, I have never experienced a moment so beautiful that it was worth the pain of life. Shit, I know that's a terrible thing to say, and trust me I am mentally beating myself for it, but it's true. It doesn't matter what's on the other side of this, it's not worth going through it.