YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi guys,

I'm new to the board. I'm female, 27, confused about gender identity and I'm queer though I lean towards cis males. I've come here because I've recently had a majorly traumatic breakthrough in therapy that both my parents were completely emotionally immature, inflicted covert incest on me, were verbally and emotionally abusive, and fucked me up beyond belief.

I have been using alcohol to numb myself in these traumas since I was 11. I have been in fucked up relationships with emotionally available men since I was about that age. When I was 17 I was raped and never reported it. I have discussed it with my therapist but I still feel like it left me with a massive hatred and distrust of men.

I feel like I have pretended to be someone else to receive love my whole life. I can't pretend anymore and I feel like an alone, broken shell of a human who is struggling to see the point in living. The world seems so fucking dark, cruel, cold and lonely to me. Even my parents, the people who were supposed to love and protect me, abandoned me and left me to fend for myself. I am still in contact with my parents, but am avoiding the now as I realise they are causing me so much distress.

How can I take care of myself during this time and not go fucking crazy? I feel like I am living in an ocean of misery, numbness and dread. The only time I surface from my numb hell is to have a panic attack, feel so angry I could punch a wall, or feel gut wrenching loneliness. I feel 13 again. I can't handle any kind of intimacy, listening, being close, have anyone ask anything of me and am struggling to get any work done because I have no clue who I am or what I enjoy anymore. I am an artist and musician but struggle to feel connected to what I loved about it. I think I used both things to gain approval and feel loved because it was the only thing I felt good about, and now that is gone too.

I am in therapy, in various support groups and trying to protect myself. I feel scared, alone and freaked out.

Please tell me this gets better?

I can't exactly say from firsthand experience, but from what I can tell from the people I've met in recovery, yes it gets better.

For my part, I identify with some of the features of your story. The parental neglect, the use of substances and behaviors to numb out, and the sort of shellshock that can come from realizing "wait -- it really was that bad."

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, though. Support groups, therapy, limiting contact with triggering people, and so on, so hopefully that can be some hope.

PS: I totally get the self-deprecating nature of the violin guy, but it's serious what you're going through and you're entitled to treat it that way. No one here thinks you're whining, I don't think.

Thank you so much for replying.

It's really scary right now and the voice in my head keeps saying "you're making it up.../you're over-reacting." The more I read stories here and hear them on the podcast, I feel more valid.

And yeah, I guess offsetting my stories with humour is a defence mechanism for me. Thank you.

I haven't gotten far enough into examining it to even wonder if I'm making it up yet, but I think I get what you're saying. I do know that my relationship with my mother is at least entangled in an unhealthy way, but that's as far as I'm willing to go so far. But at the same time, I do get little tingles of familiarity when Paul reads certain survey responses on the podcast, often ones about childhood neglect or less obvious kinds of incest/abuse.

One day at a time.