YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Every single conversation I have ever had, every advice I have ever been given, boils down to essentially this: monthly income - monthly expenses = shopping.

As if everyone in the whole world, agrees and understands that a monthly income is a given until retirement. The only thing you need to know is how to budget; but to me, budgeting is dead simple. Pay bills first, spend the rest. Just keep track of your ACTUAL balance, and you’ll be fine. Maybe save enough for copay or whatever, (or pay cash for a car if you really want to level up) but yeah.

Ideas about money have deep puritanical roots throughout my entire family, for generations. Money = root of all evil, having any job = moral righteousness, etc. Ambition not encouraged unless your ambition involves religion/church. Sure, the “American way” means career success & lots of money, but wanting more than what you have (working wage) is sinful, covetousness, greedy, wrong. Nobody in my family ever went to college (unless you count bible college, I have other opinions on that lol).

So, nothing prepared me for the lifestyle of a consultant/contractor. In hindsight, it seems absurdly obvious, now, that I should have adopted a radically different money strategy. I should have saved Every. Single. Penny. Along the way, knowing the volatile nature of my employment status, and coming from a working class family. No trust fund or inheritance to count on.

This might sound like an excuse*, but keep in mind what I was consistently told - every single time - by each and every employment agency: This position is temp-to-perm/contract-to-perm.

Meaning, and usually explicitly spelled out, that ~if~ I do a really really good job, I ~might~ become a full time, i.e. permanent, employee.

Which I now understand is 100% complete and utter nonsense. But I believed them every time.

So, what am I supposed to believe when my contract is abruptly ended mid-project, regardless of them saying “It’s not you, it’s the budget” or whatever? After I gave all of my heart and soul, worked through lunch breaks, proved that no task was beyond my ability to do and do WELL. I approached each and every job like it was the Olympics.

They all just lie, all the time, and cannot be trusted.

So, either none of the positions were ever intended to become perm, OR, it ~was~ me and/or my performance. Either way, I was set up to fail from day one. And never did anyone ever intend to be honest about it.

I hate them all.

All companies, corporations, employers.

I’d rather die under a bridge with my shopping cart, than sell my soul to the corporate machines that run this country.

Back to that *excuse.

I understand that my current freeloading situation is a result of my own bad decisions, above all else. I have had a few extremely high paying jobs, which, regardless of their abrupt end, should have provided a respectable amount of savings, not to mention, some valuable social/networking connections.

But at the time, looking back is like watching a slow moving train wreck. A socially inept, traumatized country girl, swimming in money & hanging out with people who actually ~had~ real money. A girly girl who grew up playing with barbies and always loved fashion, now able to dress up in the best sparkliest party dresses. And SHOES!!!

So here I sit. Unemployed and broke AF, with a closet full of designer clothes and no reason to wear them.

Before anyone suggests it; No, I’m not going to sell my clothes. They are not exactly current in style, so I wouldn’t get much for them anyway. Besides, even if I got, let’s just say for example, $1,000, how is that going to help. I need ~income~, not a drop in the bucket.

But even if by some unimaginable fortune, I was given another high paying job by the magical job fairy tomorrow, I don’t trust myself to do it right next time. Look at my browser history: shoes, shoes, Victoria’s Secret, more shoes, etc. I can’t buy anything, but I still want to.

Does this resonate with anyone?

I have indulged in “retail therapy“. I still do.

Don’t be hard on yourself for being human. Humans are imperfect. Every step of the way you acted in a understandable and human way. You navigated through some crappy situations, situations where you deserved to be treated better.

Please be loving to yourself, you deserve no less.

I have to admit something, regarding the puritan ethics I described.

Nobody ever explicitly taught me those ideas. Although I did go to christian churches growing up, I don’t think it came from there.

So, I really don’t know where the money-shaming programming came from, or, is it even possible that I invented it???

I think, at my core, I feel like I don’t deserve success.

A note about “retail therapy” from my pov:

It’s something that I never hear people talk about in the same way they talk about drugs, alcohol, or even food; but for me, it’s far, far more destructive, and I believe it ~is~ a real addiction for me.

I have heard plenty of stories from addicts who describe their experiences and struggles with whichever substance is their poison, and it’s very similar for me and shopping.

I do love to drink - and at times, one could be forgiven for thinking that I might be an alcoholic. However, my relationship with alcohol is, and always has been, manageable. I regularly quit drinking for years at a time, with no struggle or cravings. I’m currently on a 1,500 calorie diet, which leaves no room for drinking, and I’m fine with it.

Also, my experience of actually drinking is not the typical, you know, wobbling, slurring speech, arguing/fighting, etc. I always have a certain level of control, even when drinking many, many drinks.

But shopping, for me, comes a LOT closer to the experience I have heard addicts describe. I lose control. I actually have never really enjoyed the experience. Each purchase is accompanied by overwhelming intense anxiety and guilt, and something like the hunger of a starving vampire. I disconnect from reality, like someone else is at the wheel. I become insatiable, and the more I buy, the more I want, and once that needy monster is awakened, it will not stop until ALL available money is gone.

Side note: I’ve never used other people’s money to feed my addiction, not even when I was married or in a ltr. It’s always been a factor in my own career ambition, the need to earn more money to feed the monster.

You are right, it IS an addition, just like drugs, alcohol, food, etc. My drug is food. It's similar in the sense that it seems so simple (eat fewer calories than you burn off), but is much harder for me to follow. I think the fake simplicity of these things makes them even harder.

Addiction is any habit over which control is lost to the point where it starts to erode values.

There’s a moment in the cycle of experience where there’s supposed to be a connection with self or with loved ones. It doesn’t occur. To avoid pain, something is placed in that moment as a fix for the absence.

Having more control over the fix means it can be called on at will. Ensuring it’s availability becomes the purpose of life.

All that can be done at that point is to lose control and begin the slow search for trustworthy people. Learning to trust, how to ask for what you need, how to hear what they need.

Existentially winging it.

I am not a bot

remarks wrote: ↑October 22nd, 2021, 6:25 pm You are right, it IS an addition, just like drugs, alcohol, food, etc. My drug is food. It's similar in the sense that it seems so simple (eat fewer calories than you burn off), but is much harder for me to follow. I think the fake simplicity of these things makes them even harder.

I agree completely.

Alcohol addiction is different (not comparing the impact or seriousness) but alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, can be - technically speaking, of course - eliminated, in a way that food and even shopping cannot.

Sure, diet can be changed or adjusted, but you can’t just stop eating. Shopping can be reduced, but we all need underwear. In a way, it’s more complicated than just quitting something.

Beany Boo wrote: ↑October 22nd, 2021, 7:41 pm Addiction is any habit over which control is lost to the point where it starts to erode values.

There’s a moment in the cycle of experience where there’s supposed to be a connection with self or with loved ones. It doesn’t occur. To avoid pain, something is placed in that moment as a fix for the absence.

Having more control over the fix means it can be called on at will. Ensuring it’s availability becomes the purpose of life.

All that can be done at that point is to lose control and begin the slow search for trustworthy people. Learning to trust, how to ask for what you need, how to hear what they need.

Existentially winging it.

I am not a bot

I do have extreme trust issues, but it has never occurred to me that there is any connection to this topic. Interesting.

I often think about the fact that I struggle - and usually fail - to ask for what I need. I don’t know what is stopping me, other than baked-in ideas from pre-cognition & childhood times.

I remember occasionally asking my mom for something in the grocery store, and instead of saying “we can’t afford it” she always said, “you don’t need that.” There was a shame in it for me, a lesson that became part of my framework. I cannot differentiate between want and need. The monster I referred to is actually my 5 year old self, screaming at me, “but I WANT THIS!!! ”

There’s nothing wrong with that monstrous reaction per se. That’s what you’ve got to work with. The task is to find a home for it; as an adult.

Sorry if I’m not making sense.

Beany Boo wrote: ↑October 23rd, 2021, 8:44 pm There’s nothing wrong with that monstrous reaction per se. That’s what you’ve got to work with. The task is to find a home for it; as an adult.

Sorry if I’m not making sense.

Makes perfect sense, Beany.

Finding a home, that’s the challenge. There are many others (my monsters) who also need homes.