My “wage earner” alter ego: manic and destructive

[RightInTwo]

I was just thinking about this.

One analysis technique that I use (I invented this for myself) is to go deeply into a memory, like, remembering a previous job situation, what specific thoughts and feelings did I have during that time? Why did I say/do what I did, and what was I thinking when making the decisions that I made?

Doing my best to be objective, of course, helps a lot. It isn’t about self punishment. I’m trying to solve a mystery. And it’s not easy. I have found that a lot of this type of memories had been blocked or suppressed, and it has taken a lot of patience for me to just dig a little, and leave space for them to resurface. It’s been quite surprising at times, what comes up.

One thing I noticed was, that from the moment I got the job offer, I was immediately launched into a manic state of elation, and pretty much stayed there until the job ended (and then inevitably plunged into deep depression).

You might be thinking, “But that’s normal, to be super happy and excited about getting a badly needed job.”

It might be normal, but what I see, looking back, is a complete transformation of character. The baseline anxiety that has existed since forever, is not extinguished, it just changes form. I bring it with me into my new environment. (Like one of Jane’s multiple personalities in Doom Patrol.)
(DC > Marvel!!)


The salary that comes with the job, when it is seen from this manic state, it’s like setting up camp next to a lovely crystal clear stream; comforting and seemingly endless. I must use some for washing, for drinking (paying bills etc.) but there’s always more available, more coming along next week or next month. So, my addiction takes over. Endless shopping with every single dollar left over after bills.

The very idea or concept of drought never even crossed my mind. The current (at the time) situation is just how it is, how it will continue to be, as long as I “do my best” and keep my job, which, regardless of numerous previous job losses, I always believe that it won’t happen ~this time~. This time, I’ll work even harder, perform even better, just don’t screw it up. How hard can it be? Many other people with less skill, less intelligence, less qualified, manage to stay employed, so, now it’s my turn.

Add to this, the way ~everyone~ (every single time, without fail) talks about money, i.e., budgeting, savings, planning, etc., always begins and ends with the same question (which I find extremely problematic): What is your monthly income? Which implies an assumption that everyone lives next to a river. For their entire lives.

Everyone knows that it’s wise to begin a savings account, but I’ve never once heard anyone (not even Dave Motherfuckin Ramsey) bring up the idea of, what is a savings account ~really~ for, aside from the vague idea of “emergencies”.

What constitutes an emergency? Is it the same for everyone? I know the FAQ answer to this, but I need examples. There’s a lot of assumptions that everyone is supposed to just automatically know & don’t worry about it, just do it. If you lose your job, that’s usually the emergency, but that situation shouldn’t last more than a month or two, right???

What about saving for something bigger, and arguably, more important, like, my own future financial stability? Breaking out of corporate servitude? Having investments that provide income? (Aside from retirement plans such as 401k) That’s never in the FAQs. I have come to believe that that information must come from people’s fathers, at least, those who are fortunate enough to have one.

I once read (long ago) Robert Kyosaki’s great book, “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” but it wasn’t quite enough to just read & be aware… I’m not sure what else I needed, but those concepts never made it into my zeitgeist when I was in a position to do anything about it.

So, this is yet another thing that keeps me frozen in my current situation. If I got a job today, would I be able to avoid my manic takeover? I mean, sure, I might seem reasonable ~now~, but I can feel her, right this moment, that needy, neglected little girl, whose ability to rationalize away her shopping addiction knows no bounds. She’s always there, ready to bypass all reason and ignore lessons learned from previous experiences, and overwhelm me with the intensity of a lifetime of denial of her wants.

I simply don’t trust myself to be responsible with an income. I’m actually afraid to make money. It’s been just, one disappointment after another, and I can’t take any more disappointments.

[oak]

Hi RIT! Thanks for posting on my estrangement thread. You have wisdom, and I appreciate you sharing it.

While there is much to consider in this thread, let me ask you the question you pose: do you think you could be employed without the manic side of you manifesting?

Also, let’s say you earned a fine wage: all of your needs were met, and many of your wants. In that case, could you go a year without buying any shoes?

Lastly, here is one emergency near and dear to my heart: dental emergencies

[RightInTwo]

do you think you could be employed without the manic side of you manifesting?

I’m really not sure at all. I am extremely doubtful, to say the least.

That manic personality that comes out is something I think about constantly. I am convinced that it’s the cause of all my job problems. When I remember the things I said and did, even at my most recent job (2016 - 2017), things that I see now with crystal clarity, were just inexcusable, poor taste, poor judgment, and unprofessional. That was my red zone panic/ manic self in control, and I could not see it - at all - at the time. I was also feeling and expressing a lot of rage, particularly after the election in 2016. I was angry at the entire country, as well as the company I was working for at the time. (I won’t go into detail about my beef with the company here, but if you want to know I’ll be happy to elaborate.)

Panic, historically, takes over as soon as I start job hunting. Manic sets in immediately upon receiving a job offer. So, since I lost my last job at the beginning of 2017, I have refused to panic. But, you see, I don’t have a substitute for it yet. That’s why I’m sitting here, like a ship without a sail, enduring life without money or income.

could you go a year without buying any shoes?

A year????



I assure you, without a doubt, before I got my second ~fine~ paycheck, I would be buying either shoes, or clothes, or jewelry (not jewelry store jewelry, just accessories) or makeup, or, depending on how fine a wage we are talking about, all of the above.

So, no. I definitely would not make it anywhere near a year without buying shoes.

My mom gave me money for my birthday a couple weeks ago, which I used to buy two pairs of shoes. As I was scrolling through pages of shoes, my boyfriend looked over & saw what I was looking at & said, “You don’t need any more shoes.”

I tried to murder him with my iciest stare & said, “You have no idea what you are talking about. Mind your own business.”

dental emergencies

But if employed, that should be covered (at least mostly) by insurance, so, imo, that wouldn’t be necessary to have savings for (in my hypothetical scenario). That would be included in a small “cushion” amount I always keep available. Even when I shopped my brains out, I never emptied my bank account to zero.

I’m not good at ~accumulating~ money, but I am very disciplined about putting necessities first, and avoiding debt. I have zero credit cards, and haven’t had one since the early 2000’s. I only use money that I actually have.