lost "life-partner" to suicide
Posted: April 28th, 2013, 7:48 am
My guy, who called himself my "life partner" and I were together for almost 8 years. He suffered even before I knew him from mental illness (two self-styled breakdowns that involved at least on hospitalization, one long term day program) and a very abuse childhood. He had been addicted to his meds (anti-anxiety) before I knew him and thus, feared meds, feared therapy, etc.
He did suffer bouts of deep depression several times during our time together during which I was his "caretaker" as much as partner - made sure he ate, did upbeat or healing things like long walks, vision boards, etc.
This past fall his illness got much worse, he was very very irritable and he was very difficult to be with - not just emotionally draining but scary - accusations of wild things like theft, demands to go to sex clubs, choking, hitting. I finally drew the line and said get help or get out of my life, but he persisted.
I finally got a OP and they offered him a plea that if he did 8 weeks of mental health or anger management, they would drop charges. I guess starting down a train felt easier than facing his own issues because that is what he did.
I am devasted, beyond grief and consumed by guilt. I really really was scared - I go back and read my journals of the time and I was afraid he would kill me, even. But I also really loved him. I thought when I got the OP that I was getting him help and keeping myself safe. I actually had no anger going to court, I forgave him because I knew he was unable to help himself but I also knew this time I couldn't help him either. I felt at peace, actually. Like I had done good.
Never did I anticipate it would end this way. The day before he died, he texted me to get back together and I wrote a text and did not send it because it sounded angry but it was really from pain, and i thought this needs to be said in person. So I did not respond. I was confused, overwhelmed, weeks behind in work and near suicidal myself.
I am so consumed by a self-loathing now, and guilt and also helplessness and love and understanding.
So, my life transition is double:
losing the love of my life, a man I cared more for than anyone else in my life or ever will, who gave me so much...adjusting to being without him, his support, etc
AND
losing a sense of trust in myself as someone who is there for another, who is loving and does good, who lives with good intentions and puts relationships first. I always thought of myself as someone who would do anything for a friend. always be there. I don't know who I am anymore either without him or with myself. I feel like my entire sense of self, sense of life and loss, has been shattered.
Nothing in the outside world connects with me or contains meaning anymore.
I no longer know how to live or what to trust.
As for reaching out: his family, that I had been a part of for 8 years, graduations, holidays, vacations with his kids, totally banned me from any funeral or burial. They would not even call me or allow me to have mementos, or even my own things - they took it all. They totally blamed me, even tho he told his cousin a 911 cop, he was planning suicide and he did nothing. My family, in the other extreme, was like, he abused you, he was ill, he "drained you for years" and you should not be so upset.
No one gets it.
He did suffer bouts of deep depression several times during our time together during which I was his "caretaker" as much as partner - made sure he ate, did upbeat or healing things like long walks, vision boards, etc.
This past fall his illness got much worse, he was very very irritable and he was very difficult to be with - not just emotionally draining but scary - accusations of wild things like theft, demands to go to sex clubs, choking, hitting. I finally drew the line and said get help or get out of my life, but he persisted.
I finally got a OP and they offered him a plea that if he did 8 weeks of mental health or anger management, they would drop charges. I guess starting down a train felt easier than facing his own issues because that is what he did.
I am devasted, beyond grief and consumed by guilt. I really really was scared - I go back and read my journals of the time and I was afraid he would kill me, even. But I also really loved him. I thought when I got the OP that I was getting him help and keeping myself safe. I actually had no anger going to court, I forgave him because I knew he was unable to help himself but I also knew this time I couldn't help him either. I felt at peace, actually. Like I had done good.
Never did I anticipate it would end this way. The day before he died, he texted me to get back together and I wrote a text and did not send it because it sounded angry but it was really from pain, and i thought this needs to be said in person. So I did not respond. I was confused, overwhelmed, weeks behind in work and near suicidal myself.
I am so consumed by a self-loathing now, and guilt and also helplessness and love and understanding.
So, my life transition is double:
losing the love of my life, a man I cared more for than anyone else in my life or ever will, who gave me so much...adjusting to being without him, his support, etc
AND
losing a sense of trust in myself as someone who is there for another, who is loving and does good, who lives with good intentions and puts relationships first. I always thought of myself as someone who would do anything for a friend. always be there. I don't know who I am anymore either without him or with myself. I feel like my entire sense of self, sense of life and loss, has been shattered.
Nothing in the outside world connects with me or contains meaning anymore.
I no longer know how to live or what to trust.
As for reaching out: his family, that I had been a part of for 8 years, graduations, holidays, vacations with his kids, totally banned me from any funeral or burial. They would not even call me or allow me to have mementos, or even my own things - they took it all. They totally blamed me, even tho he told his cousin a 911 cop, he was planning suicide and he did nothing. My family, in the other extreme, was like, he abused you, he was ill, he "drained you for years" and you should not be so upset.
No one gets it.