YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I've never been employed full time, but for the past 9 months I've been doing stagehand gigs and averaging about one job a month. I work for a lighting company, so what we do is come to an event and set up these large metal structures to hang lights on and then go about connecting them to power. Sounds simple enough, but it can be tedious and backbreaking work. A few times I've run a spotlight for fashion shows, so I get to check out all the cute girls in their sexy outfits as they walk the runway, it's been one of the perks of the job. The job isn't the problem, though. I find it to be enjoyable work and it's a field I'm interested in. I'm in a financially stable place because my parents support me, but student loans looming over my head have led me to seek any kind of work. I'm grateful to have found this job so easily, but I don't find it "rewarding work" by a longshot.

First off, my boss is the biggest overreactor I've ever worked with. He's a little boy inside of a grown man's body, and because he's self employed he takes his job oh so seriously. Now, I don't fault him for that because I share those traits, too. It's how he takes all of this pressure to satisfy his customers out on me that really gets my goat. I'm not in this guys shoes, so I can't claim to know what's going on with him personally or how busy he is, but he's always strapped for time and in a rush. As I said, I'm new to the workforce, and before this year I haven't even worked for anyone outside of my family. So, I don't know the technical jargon, I'm NOT good with tools, every day I'm taking baby steps to try and understand what this guy needs from me and he expects me to be leaps and bounds ahead of the situation. There's nothing more frustrating than him telling me to 'hurry up' when I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing. Just typing that sentence brought up so much anger in me right now, because that is his modus operandi. His goal is always to get the fuck out of wherever he is as fast as possible, and my plain ignorance of what these jobs entail gives him the impression that I'm in his way.

Everytime work is done for the day and we shake hands, it's nice and cordial. When I finally get a check for the gig, I feel even better about it. However, he has been so verbally abusive to me, his catchphrase when I make a mistake is to mumble under his breath "I've had enough of this shit." He just unreasonably expects me to have waaay more to offer than I do, and I find it so immature that he can't make the differentiation that I'm a complete newbie and he's been doing this for 30 years.

If anything, working this job has taught me to use this guy as an example of how not to treat the people I employ, if I'm ever put in that position. It's also given me a thicker skin as I've had to ignore all of rude comments and keep on working for that dollar, even though on the inside I'm seething with rage and fantasizing about grabbing a hammer from the toolbox and giving his shiny bald head a good wack with it. What a relief it is to finally talk about this stuff and not have to worry about someone going "just do your job and man up, sissy." I really have a personal issue with how this guy operates, but he's paying me, and this job has helped me out immensely so I can't be anything but thankful to him. Deep down though, I feel like I really hate the guy. I always dread going to work for him, thinking "What am I going to be incompetent with today?"
In the end it always works out so it's just a learning process, but the way he thinks he can talk to me on the job is such a thorn in my side. I think it about it for WEEKS after, going "Maybe I was wrong, or don't pay enough attention. NO.He's just an asshole." I have to keep reminding myself "He's just an asshole" and pray to God that I don't grow up to be an old crochety fuck like him.



Please share whatever troubles your dealing with on the job, whether they're related to your employer or not.



Thanks for reading!

You are not alone, Jose.

Ironically enough I have to get to work, but I will post later today with more detailed thoughts.

What you describe is becoming less common, but there is a way to learn something from this situation.

You're going to be okay.

Labeling people an asshole doesn't work for me. I find when I do this everything they do becomes a manifestation of their assholishness and I grow increasingly angry over the mundane. Obviously, easier said than done.

I had a boss in the military who had no problem snatching open my rack curtains in the middle of the night to sweat me over insignificant crap. I never stood up for myself because of the rank system combined with the fact that I'm extremely conflict avoidant. I hated this guy with a passion. I eventually responded petulantly and inappropriately and I wound up in the wrong in the grand scheme of the situation.

I try to approach these situations with a bit more detachment these days. Being embarrassed for asking a question is better in the long run than ignorance. Particularly, if you are interested in the field. I'm not responsible for your reaction. I'm responsible for due diligence at my job and you're responsible for my pay and workplace safety. That's it. Anything above and beyond is gravy. I have a little mantra I repeat to myself in moments of frustration. "I don't get mad I get paid." Again, easier said than done. Good luck, José.
The preceding advice may be terrible.

For a year and a half I was at a job I had to take out of desperation. Needed to pay rent & food, so had to take the first job that came my way. Anyhow I was working under two sales reps that were trained under the concept "tear someone down, then build them up". Similar to sports & coaching. It was brutal. Funny thing, they both had the same name - one male & one female. So I came up with nicknames to describe them when I would complain. Douchey & cunty.

Cunty would get into these horrible moods that would sour the entire office. It was a small area with only 7 of us in there max. She would be at her desk in her nasty mood and you could almost see the dark cloud over her. Lashing out, giving you dirty looks, reacting to a question as if I was the dumbest person she had ever met. She could also be incredibly sweet & kind, but turning in a flash. Never knew what you were going to get.

Douchey was, well douchey. I could never have been friends with him day to day based purely on his views & attitude towards life. He was a dick. He would say the cruelest things, I felt so stupid around him. Always talking down to us as if we were children misbehaving.

Luckily (and I do mean that) I was headhunted to go work at a different job with an old coworker. I had to get out of there anyway. It would get so bad that one sentence from either of them would cause me to completely lose my appetite. I would have food on my fork and stop eating immediately, appetite gone. Even the head boss saw how brutal they were, he didn't agree with their methods. I've had other brutal bosses, but those two were easily the worst I've experienced. I have never in my life been made to feel so small and stupid by a boss.

That sounds awful, I hate the idea of anyone assuming they're better than me because of 'status'. I understand that ego's are bound to clash when any group works together on something, but I shouldn't have to tolerate your abuse just because you get off on demeaning people who can't say anything back or they'd lose their jobs. It's a form of bullying, only instead of being threatened with violence or ostricization from the group, your very worth as a person comes into play in terms of what you're willing to put up with from from an employer in order to earn money. It must be such a power trip for them to be able to micromanage everything about how we live our lives in their presence with the simple promise of a paycheck. It truly feels like I'm being paid to be his personal punching bag sometimes when he tries to degrade me for being inexperienced, when my only job is to HELP, not know everything he knows. God, just thinking about it makes me wanna slap him...

Anyways, I was listening to one of Marc Maron's podcasts and I liked the way he put it:

"People who are ahead of you or above you in the work-chain are little Napoleons that are just after control, and if they have a little of it, they abuse it. There's just no way around it, I've never experienced it being any different no matter how noble or how earnest or how good the person pretends to be."


That felt good to get out, now back to enjoying being unemployed...

Good posts all.

I think an important words used here is "manifestation".

Now some people are dicks, and some people are bosses. Therefore, some people will be dick-bosses.

Who knows if there is any hope for them. I try not to stick around long enough to find out.

However!

I am 36, and have been working since 16, in 1993.

What you describe used to be much more common: berating and devaluing the hourly employee. Why this was ever tolerated is beyond me.

Fortunatey, I see this less and less.

Also, I myself went from hourly, to management, back to hourly. This has given me a new awe of the power of the hourly worker.

When I was in management, another manager sagely told me this: "Apart from respecting their dignity as human, we have to treat the hourly workers respectfully, because they can screw us a thousand different ways, and we'd never know or see it coming".

Though dick-bosses will never admit it, 99% of the power is in the hourly workers hands. The managers can't be everywhere, doing everything. They rely on the hourly workers.

Good managers, of which there are many, will happily and vocally recognize the value of their employees.

Also, having been in the employment game for awhile I have seen this, over and over again, including with my friends and family, without exception:

Bad managers get fired and bad places close.

I've seen karma work, every time.

Now if the person turns away from their wicked ways, and/or apologizes, I have seen them do fine.

Karma is real, and it is most just and quick in the workplace.

I am just now learning to send good thoughts (ie "pray") for managers and places that have done me wrong. This is hard, but healthy.

Good luck.

Thanks oak, those are some things to consider...


anyhow, I'm working for 'The Asshole' tomorrow. Not looking forward to it in the slightest, he can be such a prick. I just wish he could ease the fuck up on the grouchiness, and see me as a 'helper' and not someone who's trying to give him a run for his money. God, he gets on my nerves. My brother has noticed this too. He's worked with him for a lot longer than I have, and at this point he's come to the conclusion that he must be an undiagnosed bipolar, the way he works himself up into a fit of anxiety and then everything is happy go lucky when it goes his way. This is nothing compared to the stress of preparing for an interview, where every minute out of the day I'm thinking "What else can I do to be ready?" until I finally reach a breaking point where I have to tell myself "Dude, just let yourself off the hook for an hour and RELAX." With this on the horizon, I'm just dreading the emotional abuse, how "I don't know enough," or "I'm not fast enough," followed by some unnecessary assault on my character. When he does shit like that it makes me want pick up his most expensive piece of equipment, smash it to pieces on the ground, spit in his face and walk the fuck out of there. I hate how he assumes that his anxiety should rub off on others in order for us to be effective workers, I can't stand when people expect you to match their emotional state, especially when they're manic because it just makes it impossible. There are always some moments of levity when we've finished a job and he stops taking everything so seriously, but I can't enjoy those moments with him because in the back of my mind I'm thinking of 3 hours ago when he told me to 'hurry the fuck up' and this comment will likely be running back and forth through my mind all week while I fantasize about cracking him in the shin with a sledgehammer. What a good feeling it is to get this all of my chest, because I can't talk about it with ANYONE, even my brother who would totally understand...I just need to be able to vent how I truly feel about this guys work ethic before I go in all smiles and 'yes massuh's' tomorrow. Thanks for reading.

I'm still working this lighting job, I think I hate it. I don't like associating with my coworkers there. I don't look forward to continuing in this position, joining a union, becoming a 'roadie', and these are all goals they seem to be striving for. This fact alone is why I can't identify with them, they don't seem to have any further aspirations than working these shit jobs for the rest of their life. I can't pretend I'm in a good mood when I have to wake up at 6 am and wait around doing nothing for 2 hours until my geriatric boss arrives. I don't take any pride in building these stages, I just want to get it done and fucking leave. The way these guys stand around and chit chat like we're at a social gathering after work really annoys me. I'm not an extroverted person by any means, so after 12 hours on my feet out in the sun all day, the last thing I care about is what you have to say. A shower and my head on a pillow is all I care about. Obviously to them they must see this as trait of weakness, that I don't shoot the shit with the guys. To me, it's a simple conservation of energy, I do my job to make money, not friends. Any energy expelled beyond what I've been hired to do is unnecessary and a waste of my time.

I'm really dreading tonight, we have to go and take down the stage we setup yesterday at 11pm and will likely be working to the break of dawn. It's gonna take everything in my power not to have a nervous breakdown. Knowing that I have to wake up at 12 noon tomorrow and go work for the asshole who this thread is named after makes it so much worse. I'm going to be sluggish and weak and he's going to be on top of me barking orders the whole time. I can't keep up with this schedule. The next time I get asked to do one of these 12 hour gigs, I might have to bow out. I don't want to be part of this 'team' that goes and does whatever the boss says at the drop of the hat. It's not in the cards for me. I thought this would be a job I would work a few times until I got on my feet, well I've probably done almost 20 of these things now and have been on my feet ALOT- too much IMO. This stagehand thing is not the life I see for myself. I wish I could sustain some serious injury or have an emergency to attend to so I didn't have to go tonight. God, it's gonna suck. I don't think I've ever said this in my life, but I can't wait for this weekend to be over

Jose wrote:I've never been employed full time, but for the past 9 months I've been doing stagehand gigs and averaging about one job a month. I work for a lighting company, so what we do is come to an event and set up these large metal structures to hang lights on and then go about connecting them to power. Sounds simple enough, but it can be tedious and backbreaking work. A few times I've run a spotlight for fashion shows, so I get to check out all the cute girls in their sexy outfits as they walk the runway, it's been one of the perks of the job. The job isn't the problem, though. I find it to be enjoyable work and it's a field I'm interested in. I'm in a financially stable place because my parents support me, but student loans looming over my head have led me to seek any kind of work. I'm grateful to have found this job so easily, but I don't find it "rewarding work" by a longshot.

First off, my boss is the biggest overreactor I've ever worked with. He's a little boy inside of a grown man's body, and because he's self employed he takes his job oh so seriously. Now, I don't fault him for that because I share those traits, too. It's how he takes all of this pressure to satisfy his customers out on me that really gets my goat. I'm not in this guys shoes, so I can't claim to know what's going on with him personally or how busy he is, but he's always strapped for time and in a rush. As I said, I'm new to the workforce, and before this year I haven't even worked for anyone outside of my family. So, I don't know the technical jargon, I'm NOT good with tools, every day I'm taking baby steps to try and understand what this guy needs from me and he expects me to be leaps and bounds ahead of the situation. There's nothing more frustrating than him telling me to 'hurry up' when I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing. Just typing that sentence brought up so much anger in me right now, because that is his modus operandi. His goal is always to get the fuck out of wherever he is as fast as possible, and my plain ignorance of what these jobs entail gives him the impression that I'm in his way.

Everytime work is done for the day and we shake hands, it's nice and cordial. When I finally get a check for the gig, I feel even better about it. However, he has been so verbally abusive to me, his catchphrase when I make a mistake is to mumble under his breath "I've had enough of this shit." He just unreasonably expects me to have waaay more to offer than I do, and I find it so immature that he can't make the differentiation that I'm a complete newbie and he's been doing this for 30 years.

If anything, working this job has taught me to use this guy as an example of how not to treat the people I employ, if I'm ever put in that position. It's also given me a thicker skin as I've had to ignore all of rude comments and keep on working for that dollar, even though on the inside I'm seething with rage and fantasizing about grabbing a hammer from the toolbox and giving his shiny bald head a good wack with it. What a relief it is to finally talk about this stuff and not have to worry about someone going "just do your job and man up, sissy." I really have a personal issue with how this guy operates, but he's paying me, and this job has helped me out immensely so I can't be anything but thankful to him. Deep down though, I feel like I really hate the guy. I always dread going to work for him, thinking "What am I going to be incompetent with today?"
In the end it always works out so it's just a learning process, but the way he thinks he can talk to me on the job is such a thorn in my side. I think it about it for WEEKS after, going "Maybe I was wrong, or don't pay enough attention. NO.He's just an asshole." I have to keep reminding myself "He's just an asshole" and pray to God that I don't grow up to be an old crochety fuck like him.



Please share whatever troubles your dealing with on the job, whether they're related to your employer or not.



Thanks for reading!

This is not a strange issue.. My boss loves to enjoy with girl employees and always provide better opportunities to girls..I am really finding it hard to deal now

I finally got a full time job working as a janitor for a museum over the past year. It's a fun environment to work in and there are a lot of cool exhibits to look at. I'd enjoy it a lot more if I didn't have to deal with a boss. Not the 'higher ups', but the people who work directly above me. It's been very awkward from the start, coming into their sphere of influence. it kind of creeped me out how they would flirt and knew such intimate details about each others lives (he's 60, she's 25) . I had to put my foot down from day one and tell myself "I'm not going to be friends with these people." They just have such abrasive personalities, always seeking out a problem or drama to glom onto. Anything asked of them out of the ordinary is a 'hassle'. The way they gossip and tear down other employees behind their backs is actually offensive, because all I can think when they're saying that is the shit they spew about me when I'm gone. I'm sure it could fill a book. Meanwhile, until writing this I've NEVER shared my feelings about them publicly. I've NEVER said anything bad about another employee, even when everyone else in the break room is throwing them under the bus. It's just disconcerting to be around people on a weekly basis who seem to navigate life solely through their reptilian brains. The absolute WORST part is having people with barely no command over the english language telling you what to do. I know that they get a kick out of ordering me around, making me do their work while they sit in the office and just BABBLE about the most inane nonsense. Today my boss actually asked her flat out if she was saving her virginity until marriage, GROSS! It disturbs me how intertwined they seem to be, and I want no part of that relationship. I've never made the assumption about anything sexual between them, but they're so emotionally involved with each others ups and downs, this hurts, that hurts. I'm dealing with this problem, that problem. I ate this last night, that the other night. I'm sure this is normal for coworkers who've known each other for a couple years but as an outsider it just seems really icky.

I got the job about a month after my brother quit working there because he'd been dumped by his girlfriend and was going through a depression. For the first few months, all I got were questions about him. What's he up to now? and if I'd say he hasn't found another job yet they'd laugh. It was actually kind of traumatic to be put in the position to explain someone else's behavior when you don't feel close enough to tell them those details. Then I found myself making up excuses for him just so they'd get off my fucking back "Yeah, he finally got a job". That was my primer for getting to know these people, sitting there and tolerating an assassination of character on my closest family member.

I'm finding ways to cope, and most of that involves avoiding them entirely. Though I can't make myself too sparse or they might think I left the building! I acknowledge that I'm cold toward them, and I really do wish we could have more of camaraderie. Verbal Communication is probably my biggest weakness and always has been. I'm looking for ways to improve those skills to make talking to other people not feel like such a threat. This is my first job, and it's not an ideal position but honestly I couldn't have seen it going any more smoothly over the past year. Today I signed up for health benefits! From the tone of this post , you can probably glean that my biggest obstacles in the work force are being on someone else's schedule and adhering to their demands. It's not a difficult thing for me to follow orders, but I have a serious issue with them taking command over my every waking moment. Sometimes I think I need to set up my own break room with a chair in a closet somewhere, I couldn't think of anything that'd make me happier!