YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi, everyone, I'm an occasional listener to the podcast and I sometimes browse the forum.

This has been the worst year of my life.

I'm 28 years old. My dad passed away suddenly in January, while I had the flu, and on my sister's birthday, no less. This opened up a whole can of anger and resentment towards him due to his closing off from my mom, my sister, and I over the past several years, and his generally not appreciating or respecting my mom. He never physically abused her or anything, but he didn't respect her or regard her opinion on anything.

At some point he must have taken out a second mortgage on the house, because the mortgage payment is rather high, and there's still a lot owed on it. This means we have to sell the house, so I've had to get rid of a bunch of stuff and get some painting and repairs done. I also have to find an affordable house for my mom, who doesn't have nearly the income my dad did, and he didn't have life insurance (or health insurance) or a ton of money to take care of my mom. So now I have to worry about my mom's well-being.

I still live at home, but now I'm at a place where I can afford to move into my own apartment. But I'm contemplating a move to LA in the near future also, so while it might be a good idea to stay with my mom and save more money, I just cannot live at home any longer.

I was seeing a girl for almost the past two years. It was kind of a difficult relationship to maintain because we lived about 45 minutes away, and neither of us had our own place. So being intimate was tough. But we had a connection and a similar open-mindedness about each others' interests. I think it was essentially her first functioning relationship. I always treated her right.

But she broke up with me last Saturday. She's nearly 27 and hasn't quite figured out what she wants to do for a career. She has been working on her bachelor's degree for 9 years because she switched majors and colleges many times. She'll graduate this coming spring. She wants to have adventures, but she's still dependent on her parents, and hasn't even lived on her own. She broke up with me because she said she tends to subsume herself in her relationships. We always did hang out with my friends more than hers, although I liked her friends. She wants to live life for a while not in a relationship, and independently. She was neither emotionally nor financially ready to live with me or any guy. We both agreed that she'd probably become regretful and resentful if we got more serious and she never did anything on her own. She said she was mulling over the breakup for about six months. It was actually an "it's not you, it's me" situation because even she said I was a good boyfriend. It wasn't an easy decision for her.

I knew she had these issues, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt because she really was a good person. But I guess she really didn't overcome those issues. And her mother is about to serve divorce papers to her father, so she needs to be there for her mother, as the only child. She has a lot on her plate between that, finishing school, work, and finding herself as a person. She said she couldn't handle a relationship on top of that.

She mentioned us talking about our relationship a month or two ago, but I didn't think it would lead to a break-up, so while she had been thinking about it for months, I feel like I had the rug pulled out from under me. And while I understand she had to break up with me to find herself, it doesn't mean I don't feel incredibly hurt. I really did think we had a future together, or, at least, I was ready and willing to continue the relationship. She's still not ready. Perhaps she wasn't really ready for a relationship the whole time we were going out.

She broke up with me at a time I really needed support. I suppose if I hadn't been going out with anyone I wouldn't feel the loss of not having a girlfriend, but she was very supportive through the aftermath of my dad's death, and not having her there when I have all this stuff to deal with hurts.

I know it hasn't quite been a week, but this is the worst I've felt since January when my dad died. And it feels like it won't end. I've been through a breakup before, for a relationship that lasted longer than this one. That time I was the one not ready to take it to the next level, but also our personalities weren't compatible. But this time I really feel that if she had already had a taste of independence and was ready for a relationship, she and I would be going to the next level. That's one reason this hurts so much. Not that we weren't compatible, but that we WERE, and that the timing was bad. Plus, I really think if I had my own place when we were dating, we would have been closer because we could have more alone time.

I'm not someone who HAS to be in a relationship, but I'm also more confident about talking to girls than I was a few years ago. It's that this particular girl and I won't be together that hurts. No matter what my friends say, it still hurts.

On Sunday night, the day after the break-up, I cried for the first time since my dad's death. I guess the stress was building and building, and the break-up was the straw that broke the camel's back. I thought I'd feel better after that, but I still feel miserable. I just want to stay in bed all day but I have to go to work, which is particularly stressful this month.

I'm taking a one or two week vacation once the project I'm working on at work is over.

Hello Drang, welcome to our little forum.

I read your whole post. My life experiences (or lack thereof) make me unqualified to offer any advice to you. But I wanted you to know that I honor your sense of pain, and I want to tell you that you do not deserve to have to go through this suffering.

Please take care, and please feel free to use this forum as you see fit to help you. All the best to you.

Hey! Welcome and thanks for posting. I'll offer some thoughts as I read.

* I am sorry for the loss of your father.
* The flu really sucks.
* A secret second mortgage? (Groans.) Oh boy.
* I am sorry your relationship ended.
* When you are ready to start dating, I can assure you that nowadays a man in his late 20s is quite in demand. Lots of men have options, in other words.
* The only way to find a woman who is interested in a relationship is to gently toss a Chipotle burrito, in which case you will hit 50 such women. Or, you can swing a belt or a dead cat, preferring on your choice of trope. The result will be the same.
* I am a rake, and at the risk of being a total jerk, here is my honest observation: whenever a good person is broken up with, I have always seen them date up. Ergo, six weeks later the dumper must celebrate seeing the dumpee with a more attractive new person. Such is the game of love.
* I am sure, however, that your ex is a good person, like you said. Of course, since she broke up with you, you are immediately a free agent in the dating market.
* Crying is way good, and I encourage you to do so liberally. You gotta go to work, but in the meantime, feel free to feel your feelings.

Hang in there.

Thanks for the kind words, manuel_moe_g and oak. It's nice to know that there are other people out there who sympathize and that I'm not the only one who feels bad. In times like this I find that others are more optimistic for me than I am. It just takes me time to approach their optimism because they have some distance from the situation.

I suppose if my ex and I didn't have anything in common or if being with her wasn't fun, I wouldn't be so broken up about the break-up. I know I'll eventually get over it, but I still hate that she isn't at a place where she could handle a serious relationship. I know she didn't put herself in that place to hurt me, and I know it hurts her too that she doesn't have things more figured out. Maybe anger at a specific person is easier to overcome than overall pain at the circumstances. With anger towards someone there's always the possibility of forgiving them. I dunno. There's just no way for a break-up to happen and not feel bad.

I'm not ready to date anyone right now. But when I am ready, I'm more secure in my ability to talk to women than I have been before. And I'm more optimistic about meeting someone I like. I figure I met my ex at a concert and we developed a relationship, so it could happen again.

For the past year or so I've been working at night, which has made me feel rather isolated from everything. If I was working on a normal schedule I'd sometimes see friends after work. But I'm working when everyone else is off work and vice versa. I mostly enjoy the work, but I wish I could concentrate on it more. When my dad died, work was my haven away from my problems. But after the break-up I just want to curl up in a ball all the time, even when I'm at work. I have to force myself to eat SOMETHING each day, and I'm usually a pretty voracious eater.

I should take things one day at a time, try to appreciate the good things in my life, and stay in the present rather than linger on the past. Easier said than done, though!

Drang wrote:I'm not ready to date anyone right now. But when I am ready, I'm more secure in my ability to talk to women than I have been before. And I'm more optimistic about meeting someone I like. I figure I met my ex at a concert and we developed a relationship, so it could happen again.

This is my favorite part of your reply. I wish you the best, and I really do feel optimistic for you that you will find fulfillment. All the best, cheers!