If life begins at 40, then it ends at 39...

[moonlightwatie]

My intro post, which explains where I am right now: http://mentalpod.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=9160

I've been quite a mess emotionally for a month. (As opposed to "just" having situational depression that's been ongoing since November) Prozac's keeping me from getting too low, but I've still been a mess. Oddly enough, the copious amounts of mary jane I've been consuming hasn't helped the anorexia as much as it usually does.

My biggest "omg this is such an overwhelming task" is cleaning out my house. I know I'm moving sometime after June 1st, but I'm not sure when. (My house is being put up for a short sale and we can stay here while the house is on the market.) We've been here almost 11 years, and my Mom LOVES to load me up with tons of clothing I never asked for nor wear. Doesn't help that I'm a sentimental packrat.

I've been going through things slowly, and deciding what to do with them: keep/throw/sell/give away
The give away part has been the most fun. I've passed along a lot of my books to some of my students (I teach a martial art) and have a bunch of stuff reserved for a few teenage girls that are friends. I also have a box for my sister and nephew, who are getting stuff that my Dad passed on to me. The clothing has been sorted as I catch up on laundry.

Today I decided that I needed to clear up the upstairs landing and the closet so I can use it to store stuff I'm keeping. I made decent headway--stuff I'm keeping is in the closet and it's cleared out enough for me to get to the attic above it. I also threw out one garbage bag and designated one box for clothing I don't want anymore.

It gets too emotionally draining for me though, as I've been plagued with memories as I sort through things. The friend (DW) that I ditched in December keeps popping up because he's given me a few things over the years that I've used. And a lot of the songs I'm playing while I work remind me of him. DW has an unhealthy fetish for unhappily married women. And he learned a lot of how to be supportive by being my friend (we never got intimate--he reminded me too much of my Dad ). Right now my cousin's starting the divorce process and his soon to be ex has been living at DW's house for a couple months. It's a huge mess and it hurts like hell to have lost such a dear and nearly 20 year friendship--he was like family to me.

So I'm taking a break right now to write this and see if it helps enough for me to get a little more work done.

I need to share this journey with others... so thanks for reading.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, moonlightwatie, you are going through a trying time. We here wish you the best, and we are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

Good luck with the cleaning!

[moonlightwatie]

Thanks!

4 trash bags of garbage was collected just upstairs today.

A lot of it was all the soiled blankets, towels, and other fabric that's just been sitting in the Former Cat Room for months. (At one time we had six cats. Three were totally attached to my husband and got to roam downstairs, and three were kept in their own room. When the last of the downstairs cats died 3(?) years ago, we were down to 2 and one went downstairs and one moved into my room.) There's an open indoor window in both upstairs rooms, and the cat room one was covered with some garden wire fence material to keep them from hurting themselves. In front of that were two plastic shelving units that were popular places for the cats to hang out. I finally tore down the fence and cleaned the window sill. It hurt to see all that all that's left of my feline children is a bunch of dust bunnies. The house has not felt the same since the last one died 3 months ago.

Distracted myself by working on some craft stuff. I used getting a yarn stash together for a friend as an excuse to kill some time working on a few projects.

At least I have a dear friend coming over tomorrow to spend the day & night here. I told him I just need someone to keep me company while I clean. He can help keep me focused.

As much as I like sewing, I hate sewing machines. I have three here of varying types that all have tension problems. I have a project I'm stalled on because of this. I've decided to switch to hand-sewing the project, 'cause it'll work. Plus I can sit in bed and do that.

Ok, I should find something else to do... fortunately there's a LOT to do!

[moonlightwatie]

My friend never got to visit. Sigh.
I am having one of my TKD students help me with some stuff next week. I need someone's help with the ladder so I can get to the attic.

I decided to pop open my fireproof safe to see what was in there. Expired passports, birth & marriage certificates, a bunch of negatives I've saved for over a quarter century, some pinup type pics and a "selfie" pic taken by a friend during our week-long fling, a topless polaroid of me, an envelope of stuff from my husband's older half brother who killed himself at the end of a nasty bout of cancer, and some stuff about this house which will go up for sale soon. Most of the stuff sans the house paperwork went back into the safe.

I have insurance papers here which state my Dad, whose name the house in, is the occupant of my house. He's never spent a night here! He was also listed as the owner/occupant of one of the two appraisals done on the house when they tried to refi last year. Isn't it like really wrong to lie on paperwork like that?

I'm PMS-ing right now, so my mood isn't that great. My husband's isn't either, but we're supporting each other as best we can. I'm making an attempt at fighting back against the anorexia by having an instant breakfast drink in the mornings. Not exactly the healthiest thing in the world, but it's a huge step for me.

I'm looking to separate from my parents as much as I can. Which means closing the checking account I have with my Dad and paying for a cell phone. I'm really tempted to change my number immediately, but I've had that number for ages and I have no land line. But at least if they're not paying for my phone I can block them.

I opened up my employment possibilities by taking the county food safety course. Applied to one of my fave burger joints, which is a chain that only exists in my county. I'm also applying for a temp retail gig while I'm working on this post. (It's fun taking these stupid personality quizzes 60 questions long when I'm hormonal and pissed and anxious...)

We got food stamps again, which is good. Yes, I'm one of those people who is buying tv dinners and knockoff lunchables with food stamps. A depressed couple rarely feels like cooking. Working on seeing if the state health care system will take us now.

Ok, done rambling...

[moonlightwatie]

My attic is cleared!

I still have tons of things to sort and pack. I may go on a scanning spree to scan sentimental items and then get rid of them.

Interesting development with my parents... My husband wrote my Dad over the weekend and told him that I no longer want to be part of that family, and that I'm changing my first and middle names. (It's true... I'm done with the family culture of secrets, lies, deception, and procrastinating important discussions. It's toxic and has done me no favors. Also, I never liked my name, especially because one of my family nicknames is the Spanish word for snot.)

That weekend, my sister was on this crusade to try to get me to read something called Seat of the Soul. Choose love, not hate. Fine, as that's what Bill Hicks used to say. However, a little research on the author showed me that he believes child abuse has merit and can be justified. So I've tried to be polite and tell her that I'm not reading that crap, but all she does is repeat the same old song, "I'm just trying to help you!"

Then, Sunday night, my husband forwards me the email response my Dad sent him.... which said if I don't want to be part of Dad's family, he can disinherit me and cancel the cell phone he's paid for (my parents insisted on me having one and I can't afford it). He doesn't want to, but he will.

Monday, I decide that it's time I put into action my previous plan to get my own cell phone account. This requires phone calls to my parents to find out whatever the security code is on the account. I hung up on my Dad when he tries to get me to say that I want to be disinherited, and after he said "Whatever" when I told him that my birthname isn't my name anymore. Then I call my Mom and try to find out the stupid security code. I don't talk to her much, but she's at least polite.

When it appears I'm asking Verizon to do the impossible, I dig out one of my old cell phones and set up a new prepaid account with it. I can get a new smart phone eventually. As long as the people who are actually important to me can reach me, I'm happy.

I decided to write my Mom on Wednesday, quoting my Dad's email to my husband. She wrote back and said she had been visiting her sister and had no idea my Dad had written that email. (Which was no surprise to me because she'd never agree to disinherit me!) So suddenly, I won't be disinherited and I can keep my cell phone. I also got lots of paragraphs (which were way too eloquent for her to have written herself!) about how much my parents love me and how wrong my husband is about them. Um, no, he's not. Most of the problems in my marriage have been because of all the emotional abuse I suffered from my Mom and sister, and the whole secrets/lies/deception crap my Mom's family taught me by example. While I don't doubt my parents love me and did the best they could, I can't grow as a person if I have to interact with them. They'll nix my ideas of what I want to do or make irrelevant suggestions. I don't need that.

And all the while my poor husband is in pain and can't sleep and there's little I can do to help him. He's selling as much as he can to get cash, and I know it hurts him emotionally to do all this. I can't help but be a little worried about him. But I'm gaining better understanding of what he's gone through for the last few years--losing his inheritance, his favorite sibling, both his parents, and all of our cats. All that loss really tears at the soul, and there's really not much that can be done to heal all of that.

At least I have my martial arts family. It's so wonderful to have people love me for who I am. To have people who think I'm cool instead of a freak.

[manuel_moe_g]

At least I have my martial arts family. It's so wonderful to have people love me for who I am. To have people who think I'm cool instead of a freak.

You are super-cool, moonlightwatie!

[moonlightwatie]

DAMN!
I was almost finished with a great update and I accidentally closed the window!

Ok... summary:

1. I'm realizing my Dad's PTSD fucked me up just as much as my Mom's did.
2. I was in denial of #1 until 12 hours ago. His was much more subtle/passive-aggressive.
3. Part of the main issues in my marriage we're still working on is due to #1 and #2.
4. I feel I owe my Mom an apology for #1 because she got all the blame up until this point.
5. Two martial arts related events this weekend. Hooray!
6. Tons of things to pack and sell and ship and trash and do.
7. I made small dents in #6 this week so far.
8. I broke out my sketch book instead of a razor blade due to #1-4.
9. I thought I was going to sleep but I have a second wind. Or maybe it's the Mt. Dew Throwback I'm drinking.
10. I think I'll be a better person because of all of the above, somehow...

[manuel_moe_g]

moonlightwatie, I love this update. #5 #7 #8 are particularly awesome! Especially #8! Keep up the great effort, doing the hard work today for a better tomorrow!

[moonlightwatie]

As if I haven't said it enough, I love my martial arts family. Friday night was belt testing. I got to break a board with a kick, which makes me feel better than cutting ever has. Saturday morning I got to learn how to use a bo staff. Took me awhile to get a few of the moves down, but it was fun.

It's quite bittersweet to sell off the contents of my husband's workshop. Good because we're getting out of the business and because we're making money on things we won't have to move. (NEVER fix things that people are emotionally attached to. It will eat away at your sanity. ) Bad because I feel so horrible that my husband has to sell off his possessions while he's battling depression and chronic pain. And I feel ashamed that I put too much faith in my Dad and refused to see his flaws because he hid them better than my Mom did.

I've resisted temptations to cut. But I swear, I saw a packaged razor blade and it I wanted to grab it and hide it upstairs in my room... just in case. It's not an option anymore, which is causing my anorexia to put up a good fight. My husband's been wonderful about getting me to eat. If only he could go back in time and give my mother lessons.

Way too much mary jane being consumed. But I am being productive, despite my sinuses protesting the windy weather.

I had a great conversation with my Aunt A the other day. I'm a lot like her in many ways, and it's nice to have family who is willing to accept me for who I am.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are pretty awesome, moonlightwatie.