YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi,

Last week my husband of 6 years told me he did not want to have children. When we married we agreed that we wanted a child one day. We put it off at first because we weren't ready and wanted some time together. After that I started bringing it up and he would put it off. Finally, last week, he told me he did not want them. I am 36 years old. My whole life has changed with the utterance of that one sentence. I can't eat, I can barely make it to work, it's all I can do to take a shower every few days.

I am very sorry to hear that. I can understand how hurt you are.

IMHO, as a man, that is not anything I would do to a woman. IMO that would be a dealbreaker in a marriage.

You may not want to hear the following, but I offer it kindly. Of course you are welcome to disregard it.

If I may offer another perspective for a moment.

At 36 you certainly have several childbearing years left. If you are more committed to having a baby than you are committed to your current marriage, then certain conclusions and actions follow. But only you can answer which is your priority.

If you do decide to pursue a baby rather than this marriage, you will have to balance the realities of a ticking biological clock with re-negotiating your expectations. For example, that guy who is "too short" (or the "wrong hobbies", "wrong age", "wrong clothing" etc) but otherwise great, it would be time to give him another look. Or you may find someone who wants a baby but not marriage.

But that is a little down the road. I encourage you for now to grieve for the awful situation you are in.

Thank you, Oak, for taking the time to reply. I honestly appreciate it.

Everything you say is true. I have to determine which direction I'm more committed, motherhood, or my current marriage.
Unfortuntely, this opens up new issues for me, as I strongly believe that every big decision I have ever made has been the
wrong one. It's heartbreaking to feel that way, and paralyzing at the same time.

I've got an appointment with a counselor, yet I hardly dare to have any hope. I know so many people on this forum have
been struggling with their personal demons for years or decades. I am no different. This will be the sixth time I've gone
to counseling. Somewhere deep inside of me there must be some grain of hope, since I am trying again. There's just so
much on the line this time, and I have no faith in myself.

Anyway, I truly thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words.

Hi YLC2525,

It sucks, because you have to mourn one of your dreams right now. Because if you have to choose between your husband and being a mother, either way you have to let go of the dream if having a child with your husband. And that sounds extremely, extremely painful. How could it not be?

I am in a childless marriage (not by my choice) and our time is running out if it hasn't already run out, and I find myself often in the same frame of mind that you are in. I feel for you. Have you been able to tell your husband how devastated you are about what he told you? I know that its hard, but you have a right to express that feeling to him.

For now, I send you as much empathy and compassion as I can muster.

Thank you for your message, weary. Like you said, the situation I find myself in is, of course, extremely painful.
I do love my husband, but truth be told we are not in a good place. We don't fight or argue, in fact, we get along
beautifully as friends. I'm still trying to figure out what/when it happened, but we lost each other. That's the only
way I know how to put it right now.

I did have a serious talk with my husband about us and the baby thing. He cried and said he felt very guilty and
selfish. I believe that he does, yet what can I expect him to do? A child isn't the kind of thing you want to have
to talk somebody in to choosing. You know? Anyway, at the end of our talk my husband gently suggested that we
might be better off not married.

That was a punch in the gut, of course. I asked him to at least go to couples counseling with me and try. He
agreed. I'm trying to push away the feeling I have that he's already emotionally left me though, and that this
is simply a formality. The fact that he agreed to go at all is all I can really ask for I guess.

And so I push on. Trying to remember that I can't control or change anyone but myself.

Thanks again for your compassion.

I'm proud of you for having the courage to have that tough talk. I am weak and cowardly when it comes to such things with my wife, and that is why things have dragged out as long as they have without any resolution. It is heartbreaking to think that the two of you (or the two of us) may be better off not married, but it is far better to do what you're doing and confront that possibility head on and try to answer that question honestly. If the answer is no, then you can figure out what to do next. If the answer turns out to be yes, you will have eliminated that doubt from continuing to hang over your head. I feel for you. This is not an easy thing at all.

Thanks weary,
I've been slow to post a reply because I still do not know what to do. The answer is descending slowly upon me like a wool blanket, uncomfortably
itchy and too warm. I've got depression, anxiety and self-esteem obstacles, you know, shit I need to work on. And I'm addressing my things now. I've seen enough therapists to know that you got to work on you and you can't change the other person. I know that crap like that back of my hand, yet I'm fighting it.

My husband has some issues also and he is restless an unfullfilled. (God, aren't we all, to some extent?) The thing is, he felt that way before he
met me, these feelings have been with him a long time. He's not investigating or addressing this extreme restlessness, so I expect it will remain with him even if our marriage dissolves. This feeling does not appear to make him happy. Shit I know I'm not supposed to say this, I'm supposed to keep the focus
on me and what I can do for myself, etc, etc, but God I wish he would work on this...or at the very least explore it and decide if he wants to keep
carrying it, because there's a price to pay in carrying it.

All these may be unnecessary thoughts anyway, as maybe he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. Whereas I want to believe there is are a lot of things worth fighting for in our marriage, but I can't compete with this restlessness inside of him.

My dad ended his first marriage because his wife already had 2 kids before him and didn't want anymore, while he wanted to have his own children. If you are open about your needs, you might even be able to keep him as a friend, though you might want to find out about how long he has wanted to not have kids before allowing for that option... if he knew he didn't want kids while telling you that he did in the future, I wouldn't want to keep him around so much.

I also feel for you potentially not getting to be a mom, because I was born male, and there isn't any likelihood of surgeries progressing far enough in my lifetime for me to experience that miracle, and that depresses me every time I think about it. I do have two kids of my own, but it isn't the same as being a mother.

Thank you for the reply. I'm still wading through my feelings and options. I don't much care for any of them (feelings or options). Every feeling I have about this eventually turns to self-loathing. Sadness = self-pity = playing the victim = weakness. Anger at my husband turns into "I should have known and I would have known of I'd read the signs and paid attention." Then I get angry at the universe and the way things are (e.g. that women have a biological clock when men do not.). Then I tell myself "it's not the universe that's fucked up, it's you (me)." It all comes back to me in my mind. If I were better, then my choices/words/actions would be better and then my life would be better.
Honestly, I simply believe that some people were made to live in this world, and others,
like me, simply were not. It's nobody's fault, it's just how things are. And because that's simply how things are, there is nothing I can do to change that, no way to stop the suffering of simply existing. And that leads me to recognize I'm too messed up to be a mother anyway, and what a selfish idea it was for me to want it at all.

Shit, I could go on but I won't. My apologies for spilling that crap everywhere, it's been an emotional night. I'm truly sorry.

Hugs to you YLC2525. You must be feeling deeply betrayed and now it sounds like the truth of the matter is that your husband wants out of the marriage. But he wasn't going to bring any of this up, it took you pursuing the baby plan to unearth his true thoughts and feelings. I think you have every right to be angry at him. He has behaved badly and you are paying the cost.

That said, now that his true colours are showing, I imagine the real decision you are facing is whether these are the character and qualities in a life partner that you want to invest your life in. I also imagine there is fear of being alone, of living alone.

With regards to the baby thing, there are so many couples out there that want to raise a child. If your husband doesn't want to do it with you, can you make a co-parenting arrangement with a childless couple and go ahead with that? Being a singly mother is very tough, being a co-parent is deeply rewarding, and for the child, having more than one adult who loves them and cares about them, ah, that is heaven!

It is perfectly healthy to be falling apart right now, to be a mess of emotions and confusion. The very foundations of your life have been shaken. Give yourself time to process these changes and don't be afraid of your anger. It might be the one thing that is trying to protect you from being hurt.

More ((hugs)) and calming vibes ~~~~.