YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi,

So, I'm asking the big question. I'm very interested to know what the people reading this post think. In the last month, the last piece of who I thought I was fell away. I'm wondering why I am here and looking for a new reason to continue to be here. I am 36 years old, and have done nothing of any importance in my life. Despite having a loving family (zero abuse or trauma of any kind) and despite having every advantage in my life, I have done and contributed nothing. I am well educated, yet I've never held a job that a bright 18 year old couldn't do. I married a few years ago, and my marriage is falling apart, even though I honestly tried the best I knew how. Before we married, my husband and I agreed we would have children one day, but now he doesn't want them. I am far enough along in years that it is unlikely that I can begin again and be a mother (I'm not trying to be pessimistic, only realistic).

So here I am. No career, no marriage, no children and not much biological chance of having them in my future. I'm so sad that I can hardly get up in the morning, much less do things to change my situation. I'm looking for meaning, for a reason why I am here. Honestly, I don't see a reason. The only psuedo reason I can come up with is that it would make my parents sad if I died...but it's hard to parlay that into a reason to live. I'm not going to kill myself for that reason, however, I would be lying if I said I didn't go bed each night and ask the universe to allow me to fade out of existence. My most precious and comforting thought in a day is when I entertain the thought of never having existed in the first place. God, I love that idea.

We all have different hopes and values of course. But my question is, when all of those hopes fall away and you are left with a reality that includes none of those, where do you turn? What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Existing while feeling one has no purpose sucks on so many levels.

Regarding Motherhood--what's more important to you, being a parent or having a biological child?

I'm a little bit older and do a job that couldn't be done by an 18 year old but still feel more or less the same.

Thanks for the replies. As far as motherhood is concerned, I guess I don't know how I feel about my remaining options. I recognize that adoption or being a stepmother are still on the table. But imagine you had an intense craving for chocolate ice cream, so you head to the ice cream parlor. When you get there the employee says you can't have chocolate ice cream, but you can have vanilla or strawberry. Obviously, vanilla and strawberry are great, nothing wrong with them, but you wanted chocolate.

That's where I am with that.

But more importantly, I have got to figure out a reason to continue on long term. I'm not a mother, an aunt, a successful career woman, success (in any other sense), important or talented. I can think of no gift it can give to the world. I'd love to have faith in a divine being or a higher power, but, if I am being honest I would say I don't really.

So I was just wondering what others lived for. I mean, I hear all the time, "I live for my kids!" Or "I live for my job!" Or "I live for God!" Or "I live for my amazing husband/wife." That's cool and all, but say you don't have any those?

What happened in the last month?
What have you previously enjoyed that you don't any longer?

To be fair, it's not like I lost everything in the last month, it's only the final nail in the coffin that happened in the last few weeks. Last month, my husband told me he didn't want to have children. We have been married for several years, and we had always said we wanted children. I asked him several times over the years about having them, but he kept putting me off. Finally, last month I insisted on a time line, as I am over 35. That's when he told me he didn't want them.

So you see, I was already a failure in the career department and I had already lost my faith. But until then I had thought that I would have children. Apparently that's not in the cards either. (Yes, I know, it's not impossible yet but I'm no fool and I know the odds.) So now that that last dream had fallen away, I'm trying to find some meaning somewhere that will make getting up in the morning worth the effort.

Sorry to hear that.

I don't really have much to add, only advice that I should be taking myself!

Perhaps there is a hobby or interest you can spend more time on doing, that is what I'm trying to psych myself up to do right now. Also doing things like exercise each day, wake up at the same (early) time each day, etc.

Thank you for the reply. I appreciate you talking to me about this. Of course you are right. I should find a hobby and exercise. Maybe I will do that when the grief lets up a little bit. But right now the emptiness is just to great. Honestly, this feels like the final blow and I don't even want to stand up from it and see what's next. I'd just assume this be the end of the match all together.