Lost My Job in August-Still Feeling Lost
Posted: November 18th, 2014, 10:38 pm
Back in August of this year, 2014, I was laid off of my job. It was a place I worked on and off for 4 years. At the time I was let go, I had been there for three years straight. It was a family owned security company, the kind of place that because it was a family owned place it played fast and loose with the rules. The kind of place where the people who yelled the loudest (and there was a lot of that at times) had the most authority. It was extremely stressful at times, and for most of it I was on and off medication for major depression. At some points I thought of killing myself because I just didn't know what else to do. Thankfully, that never happened.
When this happened, I was actually excited. I had started over a year ago my own business that I'm passionate about, a one man puppet company. I had been getting gigs here and there every other month or so. I thought that this, THIS was the best thing to happen to me. I didn't have to work my shitty job, I could take the work I was passionate about and really make a go of it. I wound up qualifying for unemployment, for an entire YEAR, and the checks each month would pay for all my rent and about 80-90% of my bills. I had a small bit in savings, a little over $1,000, and each month till the end of the year I had SOMETHING booked in puppets. This was going to work! I would just concentrate on my passion and I could do it for a YEAR until I had to get a real job, and only if I needed to. I also wanted to take a BREAK and give myself a vacation from all the shitty stress and crap my old job had put me through. I bought tickets to see comedians that were coming into town, treated myself to eating out instead of cooking. I felt I deserved this.
Then doubt started to creep in. I wasn't getting many other bookings. Possible clients I could have sent promotional material to, but never thought I'd be dependent on needing this to be full time work, had already made their choices for the holidays months ago. I was only to get one show booked each month. The money I had saved started to dwindle and eventually I put a cap on my spending, so that I now had only $400-$600 in-between unemployment checks. The unemployment only allowed for the necessities to be paid for, but nothing left for savings. I wondered and started to worry that I was burning a bridge between my current life and "civilian work'. That the longer I stayed unemployed, the harder it would ever be to find a regular job if and when I NEEDED it. What if this business wasn't going to be able to support itself when the unemployment ran out? What if I REALLY needed to fall back on something? Am I just screwing myself over? What do I do NOW? Part of me started kicking myself hard for taking over three months to have a break and gather my thoughts, and the money I spent to feel better.
Now, it's the middle almost the end of November. I've been sending out email resumes like crazy. I've gotten a few call backs for interviews, but they're for places that are out in the far away suburbs and I don't have a car (it really sucks when job ads swear they're in the city and it turns out they're really miles and MILES away). My budget has gotten tight and I've become VERY aware of how much money goes out with each dollar spent. The jobs I scroll through either look like scams to prey on the jobless, are too far away for me to commute to, or the pay is so so low that it's less than my unemployment and offer nothing in the way at all of benefits.
I feel like my wheels are spinning, that I'm stuck in this rut. That months earlier I thought I had everything figured out, and now I just have so many doubts and questions. I'm starting to see a therapist again (going in for my second session tomorrow) and I'll be back on meds very soon. I keep going up and down from being hopeful, like last week, and low and horrible and feeling that I'm getting no where like this week. Earlier today I was trying to type and just started crying at the drop of a hat. It doesn't help, after talking with a friend with experience in hiring and HR, that most companies slow down/stop their hiring around this time of the year so that training doesn't get interrupted by people taking time off for family and other holiday commitments.
I just feel lost. I'm trying to move forward, but it feels so damn hard. Part of me just keeps kicking myself, saying I should have done something months ago, not spent as much as I did, that I'm giving up on my passion and dreams by looking for a regular job NOW. It feels like I can't win.
When this happened, I was actually excited. I had started over a year ago my own business that I'm passionate about, a one man puppet company. I had been getting gigs here and there every other month or so. I thought that this, THIS was the best thing to happen to me. I didn't have to work my shitty job, I could take the work I was passionate about and really make a go of it. I wound up qualifying for unemployment, for an entire YEAR, and the checks each month would pay for all my rent and about 80-90% of my bills. I had a small bit in savings, a little over $1,000, and each month till the end of the year I had SOMETHING booked in puppets. This was going to work! I would just concentrate on my passion and I could do it for a YEAR until I had to get a real job, and only if I needed to. I also wanted to take a BREAK and give myself a vacation from all the shitty stress and crap my old job had put me through. I bought tickets to see comedians that were coming into town, treated myself to eating out instead of cooking. I felt I deserved this.
Then doubt started to creep in. I wasn't getting many other bookings. Possible clients I could have sent promotional material to, but never thought I'd be dependent on needing this to be full time work, had already made their choices for the holidays months ago. I was only to get one show booked each month. The money I had saved started to dwindle and eventually I put a cap on my spending, so that I now had only $400-$600 in-between unemployment checks. The unemployment only allowed for the necessities to be paid for, but nothing left for savings. I wondered and started to worry that I was burning a bridge between my current life and "civilian work'. That the longer I stayed unemployed, the harder it would ever be to find a regular job if and when I NEEDED it. What if this business wasn't going to be able to support itself when the unemployment ran out? What if I REALLY needed to fall back on something? Am I just screwing myself over? What do I do NOW? Part of me started kicking myself hard for taking over three months to have a break and gather my thoughts, and the money I spent to feel better.
Now, it's the middle almost the end of November. I've been sending out email resumes like crazy. I've gotten a few call backs for interviews, but they're for places that are out in the far away suburbs and I don't have a car (it really sucks when job ads swear they're in the city and it turns out they're really miles and MILES away). My budget has gotten tight and I've become VERY aware of how much money goes out with each dollar spent. The jobs I scroll through either look like scams to prey on the jobless, are too far away for me to commute to, or the pay is so so low that it's less than my unemployment and offer nothing in the way at all of benefits.
I feel like my wheels are spinning, that I'm stuck in this rut. That months earlier I thought I had everything figured out, and now I just have so many doubts and questions. I'm starting to see a therapist again (going in for my second session tomorrow) and I'll be back on meds very soon. I keep going up and down from being hopeful, like last week, and low and horrible and feeling that I'm getting no where like this week. Earlier today I was trying to type and just started crying at the drop of a hat. It doesn't help, after talking with a friend with experience in hiring and HR, that most companies slow down/stop their hiring around this time of the year so that training doesn't get interrupted by people taking time off for family and other holiday commitments.
I just feel lost. I'm trying to move forward, but it feels so damn hard. Part of me just keeps kicking myself, saying I should have done something months ago, not spent as much as I did, that I'm giving up on my passion and dreams by looking for a regular job NOW. It feels like I can't win.