YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I keep having the most heartbreaking dreams. I dream that I am back in college, doing what I love. Studying and creating music, hanging with friends, singing in choir. Just surrounded by like minded and supportive friends. Last night the dream involved my choir director putting his arm around my shoulder, just a sort of friendly reassuring gesture, and somehow, in the dream…it was like everything was ok. I wake up from these dreams with such heart ache, and they are often difficult to shake. I’ve even woken myself up a few times because I’ve started to cry. It is a shocking sensation, waking from sleep because a half sob has erupted from your throat.

College wasn’t perfect. By my senior year I hated the place and was completely burned out. But for a period of time it was the only place I wanted to be. The worst part about these dreams is the choir parts. I miss that so terribly that being a part of it (even in a dream) is alternately wonderful and painful.
I know it’s my mind telling me I need to be involved in music again. That—in order for me to have purpose I have to do something that uses my vocal skills. I mean I sang opera for god’s sake. And I haven’t sung anything in nearly 3 years now… but at the same time I don’t really feel I deserve it. I don’t deserve to be part of a world that is so vibrantly beautiful and terrifying.

These dreams kill me. Just writing them down made me tear up… God, how I miss that life…even if I am idealizing it. Reliving it is wonderful at the time, but soul crushing when I wake to the exhaustion that is my daily existence.

Hello lawlessness45. I read your post, and I honor your pain. You don't deserve this suffering. Those dreams that make you sad are sucky dreams - I want your joy to be in your bright future. If I saw the Sandman sprinkling lousy dream dust in your eyes, I would punch him in the gut. Please don't let those crummy dreams hurt you, they are just the random firing of neurons in your mind. Please take care, all the best, thinking of you and your bright future, lawless.

I am sorry you are suffering, lawless. I also honor you in your struggle.

In another sense, it as if your dream is a gorgeous expression of who you really are. Vocation vs. avocation.

They say some dreams are just taking out the day's psychological trash; a worthy job!

"They" also say that our dreams are the fulfillment of our most cherished identities.

My guess, and I may well be wrong, is that your psyche knows this dream will cause your conscious pain. The worth, however, of the dream, the wish fulfillment is more valuable than the pain, otherwise it would surpress the memory of the dream.

My guesses aside, what can you learn from this situation? Where is the valuable lesson to be learned?

Is there any capacity that you could become involved in music again? The last few months circumstances beyond my control have taken me away from performance, and I wasn't fully aware of how hard it was on me. Today I auditioned for a show and I've been buzzing with joy for the rest of the day. You deserve to have some of that joy back. Maybe try a community theatre or choral group? Even drop into a church choir, ignore the God part if that's your choice, and you can usually dip in and out as you please. They are just always greatful and hungry for new blood (in the sleepy churches in my community anyway).

I totally understand the feeling lawless. I just recently discovered how bad dreams can hurt, how they can leave you feeling hollow and bitter. Stay strong man. It's seriously awesome that you used to sing opera, I wish you the best of luck in getting back to it. I understand the feeling of not deserving to enjoy the better parts of life, but you gotta know that you totally deserve to sing and be happy.