YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

For some years, in my waking life I've struggled with something called "underearning". Long story.

The other night, I had the following dream where underearning was personified:

I was safe in a house or room (everything I dreamed was as if from a first person movie shot). There were four scenes:

1. Underearning was personified as a very powerful half man/half beast. I knew it was coming to kill me and cause chaos.

2. It/he was pushing on the door. I could resist, but for only so long. It/he would overpower me sooner or later. When I locked the door, he unlocked the deadbolt. When I locked the deadbolt, he unlocked the door. I saw his hand come over the top of the door, to open it.

3. A non-threatening, dispassionate voice told me that I had to honor the beast-man by asking it how it wanted to die.

4. The next instant, the final scene was the underearning, personified as me, submissive at my feet, wrapped in a tarp. He/it shivered, knowing he was about to die. A device was in my hand, and I knew that if I pushed the button in far enough, the beast would die.

Then I woke up.

You are not your underearning. Your underearning is external and gives no information about your character. What you call "underearning" I call "verbal self-abuse by Oak not giving Oak enough credit for navigating a very difficult situation"

I can sympathize with the part about someone trying to get in and you holding the door closed. I have nightmares like that. That dream sounds disheartening, and I hope you give yourself some time and compassion to recognize all you are doing. Hang in there.