YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Ok I have definitely never told anyone THIS before. . .
I am a woman who is addicted to masturbation and pornography. I keep it hidden from my husband. I'm in therapy (3 years) but don't see myself ever telling him either. I masturbate at least once a day, usually 2. Some days, when I have the house to myself, I will masturbate with pornography all day and then run around the house like a maniac 30 min before husband or kids come home to make it look like I did SOMETHING all day (I work 3 12 hour shifts, so I am off work 4 days). I watch pornography that depicts violent and humiliating scenes. I have a hard time when having real sex with my husband because thoughts come in to my head of stuff from the past . . . I don't know, its confusing and complicated, and the worse part is I pay a ton for therapy every week and can't for the life of me bring it up because I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Please treat yourself well because you are in pain, you deserve self-love.

Hi nightnurse. Pornography is not my addiction, but I identify sooo much with what you wrote about your days being taken over by your addiction, and the lengths you will go to keep it a secret from your family. I do the same thing that you described -- every night, 30 minutes before my boyfriend comes home, I scramble around our bedroom hiding any evidence of what I've ACTUALLY been doing all day, and find excuses to make it look like I've been productive. When he arrives home I'm like hello baby, Le De Da, everything is fine. But by the time he goes to sleep I feel so guilty about the lies I just told him that it makes me feel almost sick. I also hate that he is my favorite person in the world, my most trusted friend, and yet he doesn't know a thing about this struggle I experience daily... because I won't let him.

And the worst thing about bad habits? Feeling guilty about them usually just makes me do them more. Don't know if this is true for you, but I'm guessing it might be.

I know that the thought of telling your therapist is terrifying right now. But I think that if you can find a way to tell him/her, you would feel a HUGE relief afterwards. It's true that the experience of telling your therapist probably won't be easy, but what you're doing right now isn't easy either.

I know this is an old post, so I'll start by saying I really hope you were able to come out to your therapist about it. It may seem obvious—especially with something like this, that you're sure everyone knows about—but doctors can't treat illnesses they don't know about.

Y'know, I found porn and masturbation long before I ever found alcohol or cigarettes and it has proven to be one of the hardest things to stay completely clear of. I don't know about you, but for myself there's a really strong shame component of it that's almost like a drug in its own right. It's like getting a hit off feeling like crap about myself. I grew up in a very sexually repressed environment and at least one of my parents was abused, so it makes perfect sense that they didn't quite have their heads on straight about sex. That shame thing, though. It's wicked.