YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi All,

This is more of a general topic for addictions, but I'm really struggling with making the jump to a support group. I've been struggling with alcohol addiction for years, and I know ultimately a support group is what will help me through this struggle, but I'm really having trouble making the first step.

My biggest concern is a professional one. I am in a higher-level healthcare position and my biggest fear is that I'll encounter patients in support groups, and despite the confidential aspect, we all know human nature dictates certain judgements are made. If word were to get out, it could ruin my professional life. I really don't know how to circumvent this. My therapist and I are working to just get me into regular meetups over common things like exercise or hiking, and if I develop comfort with those populations, it may be easier for me to make the jump to support groups. My initial fears still linger as I haven't found anything to deal with the main problem.

If anyone else has had similar issues or has some suggestions, I'd be very interested. Thank you!

wd82,
I'm not sure if these will help, but here are a couple of suggestions.
There's a website for health professionals in recovery that has a private section with a list of meetings: https://www.idaa.org/meetings/international/
Also, if you can afford it or your insurance will pay, you might look for small group therapy (in group therapy you could be meeting with only a handful of the same people on an ongoing basis, which might feel safer than being in a larger meeting open to the general public).
It's great that you're exploring the options with your therapist, wd82. Sending good thoughts your way.

rivergirl

If you were talking about an AA meeting, no one knows why your there unless you choose to disclose it. I have seen news reporters, doctors, prominent politicians, actors, professional sports figures, you name it. You should see who attends the meeting , sunday morning, at the Rainbow Bar and Grill in Hollywood.

When I saw a doctor, I always assumed they were there to see just what they were sending their patients to. So, yes, I saw Dr X there, but if hes working a program, thats on him.

I remember being in a meeting with a guy who had an old warrant..for murder. The police waited outside the door, and questioned all of us as we left. No one gave up the guy.

If anything, it helped their careers and it certainly helped us who were sitting there. After all, if XXXX can go to an aa meeting, so can I.

PS...As far as getting sober goes. When you walk in those doors, no one really gives a shit how important you are. The thought is lets get better, together. If you see a patient there, fully expect the patient to walk up to you, offer a hug, and welcome you to the group.

Hey! Thanks for posting. I am really glad you are using your words. I hope things work out for you!

(Disclosure: I am straight-edge sober for 7.5 years, and while I honor the disease model of addiction, it is not for me. It works for others, so awesome! Also, I've attended about 100 open AA meetings across America while I was barely holding on in Debtors Anonymous. So I won't be singing from the AA hymnal, but I do have 7 years sober. YMMV.)

I'll be blunt: alcohol addiction will eventually kill.

If you don't turn from your ways, you will lose your professional life. Everything, really. Alcohol doesn't care.

As far as people recognizing you, 99% of people won't care that you attend a support group, or will be impressed that you are taking real action to improve your life. I'm straightedge and all my friends are sober and I've never seen anyone mocked for going to a support group. I'm impressed that you posted here!

Alcohol addiction is a really serious matter. Really really serious.

I highly encourage you to complete a medical detox. If you survive (which is not assured), never drink again. I've heard that alcohol is the only drug whose withdrawal can kill you. I don't know if that is true, but it suggests the gravity of alcohol addiction and the gravity of your situation. The grave-ness of your situation.

Besides, drunks love to kill themselves driving, falling down, and starting fires. Typical drunk behavior.

Alcohol is exquisitely egalitarian.

Here is my advice, as someone who also faced the fear of attending a support group:

I, some guy on the Internet, say that you might die from alcohol abuse. Okay.

When you decide to go to a meeting, your brain will probably tell you that you will die if you go to a meeting.

When that happens, say to yourself: "Well, alcohol might kill me, and going to this meeting might kill me. I might as well go out a hero by attending this meeting". If you die from going to a meeting, or die from being recognized, at least you went out like a hero.

And, if you want to spare your feelings getting hurt, stop reading right now.

I say this not to be mean, but to give you a little reality:

You're just another drunk.

Call your local intergroup or go to your first meeting. Tell them all your most sordid details. They'll listen politely and/or be totally unimpressed. You'll be one drunk among many. The difference is that these gals and guys are sober. Which is where you need to head if you want to hold onto your life.

Lastly, since I am being the unlikeable but sober guy, remember that there are as many ways to get sober as there are sober people. AA, straightedge, and Jesus: I've seen all them get people sober.

I see alcohol abuse like the Titanic: things are doing down. AA is one lifeboat. Straightedge is another. Jesus is a third.

Do you think the people in the Titanic lifeboats cared who was in which boat? Heck no. They survived. That's all that matters. The ship is going down, and any lifeboat is a good escape.

Other people get sober because of yoga. Or seeing their newborn daughter. Or they just got tired. All are equally valid reasons and methods of stopping drinking.

And the sober life is amazing.

So there you go. A blunt, lengthy, meandering speech from a sober guy. You may be hearing many more such speeches...if you're lucky.

Watch what the sober guys are doing.

Good luck.

Thank you all, these are all wonderful insights and suggestions. I guess I'm looking at things as an outsider, and can't truly appreciate the dynamic of the support group mindset... yet. That said, I'm working on myself in a more strenuous fashion then ever before in my life, and I'm in the first seemingly healthy relationship I've ever had. I have the tools... I just need to make them work.

Also keep in mind, most of the people attending the meeting would likely prefer people did not know they were there, too.

If you go to almost any city, you'll find whats called an Alano club. Its a club thats typically open 24/7 and hosts meetings. If you stop in and ask around, often times you'll find a schedule for aa meetings. That schedule does not include all of them.

Often times there will be meetings that are exclusive to doctors, police, firefighters, airline pilots and such.

My stupid little brother died from alcoholism, so this hits close to home. God, I miss him. My calling him stupid is in fun. He had his masters degree and worked as a substance abuse counselor, and god, do I miss him.

He was doing really well and following AA....until...until that day he ran into one of this patients in an AA meeting. His patient was excited to see him there, and very supportive. Of course, this freaked him out and he could never go back to AA.

He died a few weeks later after accidentally (????) mixing alcohol and pills. He had recently had surgery, so the pill use was legit.

I just remember thinking, over what? Cant go to a meeting because someone might know you? Well, they know now.

So, we go to the funeral. I cannot even count how many of his co workers came up to me and said, "I should have said something..he was drinking at work." His boss was crying, hysterical, saying, "I could have forced him into treatment..he was drinking at work..." His secretary..the building janitor (no joke).

I walked out of the funeral thinking how odd it was that this was all based on some poorly kept secret. Those who could not know the secret did, and he was worried about keeping a secret from people who did not give a shit, or were 100% supportive.

He had the knowledge to fix you, but could not fix himself.

It all makes sense. Its not about being addicted to the alcohol. Its about the thinking errors we make while addicted to said substance. The poor choices, the erratic behavior.

Listening to the thought of "no one can know, it would ruin me." is the disease talking to you. If you listen to that, expect more of the same.

Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I can't imagine the pain that caused, and the anger that substance abuse must engender. You seem like a strong and wise person, and I'm grateful for your insight. It's scary to me how all the knowledge in the world on your illness won't push you to recovery, and more likely may make you more volatile.

I've had a bit of a breakthrough with my therapist today, things with work and my future have been grim. I can't find anyone in terms of family or loved ones that really can understand where I am right now. I need to find a group. I am going to find a group. I will look in the other forums for more info, but anyone that reads this, are there other general groups for people just dealing with mental illness that get together in the same anonymous fashion? I want to find one to discuss my anxiety and depression as well.

Finally, and totally off this serious note, how do I quote people in my reply?

One more crackpot theory from a sober guy:

I always believed that something isn't itself.

That makes no sense, but means that something can't objectively observe itself.

Ergo, alcohol won't tell you the truth about alcohol.

The only way IME to get the truth about alcohol is to stop drinking for six to eighteen months.

Six months is the minimum to get the cobwebs out of one's mind. Until your tastebuds come back, and you can see colors again, I don't think someone is free from the mental and emotional effects of alcohol. Eighteen months is when the fun really begins in sobriety.

Your best thinking got you here.

Another spiel:

Like practically every other sober person out there, I always had a drink to drink: happy, sad, victorious, failed, rainy, sunny, friends, alone, bored.

Also like nearly every sober person, after I got sober things got worse. Oh did they get bad. I got fired (three times!), went broke, lived in a house full of fleas, didn't have enough to eat, lonely, abused at work, nearly homeless, general unemployment, heartache.

And since June 15, 2008 I've not found a reason to drink.

There's no answers in bottle. If there were, I'd have found them long ago.

Final thought:

In my pm, I encouraged you to not accept anything I have to say. Weigh it.

Here's what you do: listen to what I and the other sober people have to say in this forum thread. Call a friendly church ask them to let you talk to one of their members who got sober through religion. Take an AA guy out for coffee. Note similarities between this variety of sober people.

Then go talk to three people drinking. Weigh what you observe between the two groups.

To be blunt and unfair, but not inaccurate, sober people are all different and interesting, and drunk people are all the same version of boring. Drunk people think they're Oscar Wilde, but in practice, well, no.

I encourage you to get out of your head. You seem like a good guy. You have fine mind: you can write well. You are kind and polite, and want to do well. You've succeeded in your career.

Mr. Alcohol is egalitarian: he sees none of those good qualities. All drunks in an early grave are equal to him.

p.s. to my earlier suggestions: I've tried many 12-step group meetings and also went to a non 12-step group on a regular basis for about a year. In a way my imagined worst case scenario of meeting someone I already knew in a support group came true several times, but it ended up being a non-issue. I was in groups with two coworkers (one also the best friend of my boss) and another time with my then husband's boss. Not one of those people discussed work situations in the support group meetings or at social activities we did as support group members; not one of them discussed membership in the support groups at work. In a way it was helpful to me to see that people I would normally assume were superior to me were struggling with issues similar to mine. My issues are not primarily substance abuse, but I had a similar fear of being exposed and humiliated or possibly even losing my professional job by being vulnerable and discussing my addictions in a support group. I did the same thing with therapy for many years. Now those fears pale to nothing in comparison to the years I lost by not asking for help sooner.

I think rc409 and Oak have spoken to overcoming substance abuse better than I can. I just didn't want my earlier post to imply that I agree that it is dangerous to go to an open support groups. My experience was the opposite.

The thing which we fear the most is often our path to relief.

Nothing is scarier than that which holds you back, nothing will open more doors than stepping into your fear