YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I guess, ultimately food is my main substance of choice, if I look at my whole life. Or maybe music, getting very obsessed with certain bands or musicians for years and then suddenly losing interest.

The first time I noticed a psychological urge toward a drug was when I was 30 and had heart surgery. I noticed that after a few days I was taking the pain pills for how they made me feel calm and relaxed, rather than pain relief. And that did send up red flags to me and I stopped taking them.

I never drank until I was 21, and up until I was 34 I drank only a few times a year while out with friends. Then all of a sudden I was drinking 4-5 beers every night (specifically, highest alcohol content microbrew beers that I could find), drinking the moment I woke up on weekends, drinking alone, hiding alcohol or how much I was having.

Last November I decided to stop but I wasn't very successful. So I decided only to drink while out at a restaurant and not buy any for home. That lasted a few weeks, and then I was back to buying just as much as I did before.

1.5 months ago I, once again, decided enough was enough and dumped the rest of what I had at home down the drain. The following weekend I had two beers at a friend's house and felt partially relieved, partially guilty. But I haven't bought any for home since I dumped it out. I took a train to visit a friend last weekend and I had one beer with my lunch. While eating I felt my mind racing to plan - I could finish eating and right away go to the snack car and buy a couple more. But after I ate I found I had no desire to, so I didn't. While I was with my friend the next day, I ordered one beer while we were out for dinner. I didn't even want to finish it. So I didn't.

But I can't say I'm cured of my addictions toward chemicals. That's just part of my brain now, even though I lived most of my life without the urge, and it makes me crazy to know that but not understand why. Without beer I find myself yearning for sleeping pills or muscle relaxants or whatever prescription drugs will relieve the anxiety for just a while. I take more than I am prescribed and then I run out early and have insomnia and pain. Surprisingly, I've never abused my Xanax prescription. Maybe that's because it's extended release so the effects are slow and subtle. I've used pot but I don't like to smoke, and eating edibles takes too long to kick in and is way too strong. Sometimes it gives me panic attacks. I know Paul has mentioned on the podcast a few times that pot can increase anxiety in people who are prone to it or who are "always in their heads." It never did that to me in my 20's, but it sure does now.

I've been struggling for months with questions of whether I'm really an alcoholic/addict (I know that my behavior says yes even if it isn't an every day thing). I struggle to find a healthy outlet for those addictive urges but so far I haven't been successful. Something to relieve the constant anxiety that isn't a drug....I don't know.

In my experience, nobody can tell you whether or not you're an addict because of how complicated it can be. You have to make that call for yourself, however it sounds like there's a tendency toward that behavior for you. I've struggled with "the disease of addiction" my whole life, but drug addiction has been a problem for me for the past 5 years. Addiction is a progressive thing, and it's typically defined by how the obsession and compulsion affect your life. Frequency of use is sort of irrelevant, if you find yourself obsessing for whatever reason, it's probably a symptom. Addiction is ugly and complicated and confusing, but I think talking to a professional would be the best course of action. The fields of addiction and mental health are unfortunately separated, and so it can be hard to find a therapist who knows about it, but there are tons of addiction counselors around.

When I saw the topic title I thought to myself... "No DOC, haha that's because they're ALL my favorite!" But I can totally relate when you chose food as your DOC. I think nearly everyone could relate to that, especially addicts. I've seen so many people get clean and also gain weight. I think being addicted to good has the potential to be almost as dangerous as some drugs. I can't stop eating ice cream every night.... And to paraphrase a saying from NA - "One (scoop) is too many and a thousand is never enough!"